I'm a white male. My best friend is a black man of my age. We've been friends for years. Growing up I had a lot of diversity throughout school and my family weren't racist in any shape or form. But, here is the problem.
I met this girl a week ago. She is wonderful! She's out going, funny, we just seem to hit it off. She's asian. But her first lover, and only boyfriend before me, was a black man.
The moment I heard that, for some reason, regardless of all the fantastic years with my black friend, Leon, the stereotypes that I had heard began to rush through my mind.
Before we had sex she mentioned his size and the things he did sexually, etc. And the stereotypes began to bother me even more. We had sex that night, and things went great (at least I thought) but despite the wonderful night, the inadequate feelings I had remained.
Now I refer to the original question, am I a closet racist? I don't want to think like that, but when I look at her, I think of THEM. I need some advice.
2007-06-15 08:11:38 · 13 answers · asked by Noah T 1 in Family & Relationships ➔ Singles & Dating
I must say that I greatly appreciate everyone's answers and support. I think that it might in fact be insecurity on my part, and its good to know.
It is kind of hard to listen to her talk about him. I know that she's going through a tough time because they recently broke up, and the thought of me being a rebound guy has come up in my mind, but I'd like to think that this isn't the case.
She's phenomenal, but I hope that she'll stop talking about their past soon. She brings him up a lot, and I don't do that about my past lovers.
2007-06-15 08:22:32 · update #1
Again, thank you all. This wasn't in the original question, but as much as I'm starting to care for her, her previous relationship with him was 5 years. He still lives around the neighborhood and we've already met once. The man absolutely hates me. I don't care, but she wants to be friends with him, so I try to be friendly and diplomatic. Am I wrong to try to make that sacrifice? Do you know how I can let her know that while I care about how she feels that hearing about him all the time is detrimental to me?
I don't get attached very easily, but this is the first time I met a woman like her and I'm more than willing to dig through the extra baggage if the outcome is a healthy relationship.
2007-06-15 08:34:32 · update #2
If you're concerned with the guy before you being bigger than you down there than just forget about it. I think that if this girl is actually worth your time of day you shouldn't be worried about that because she would like you for the person that you are, get to know each other for whats on the inside. And to answer your question, no I don't think you're a closet racist, I think you're just worried about what she would think about you in comparison to him, which I already said you should not worry about.
2007-06-15 08:18:23 · answer #1 · answered by Nelson P 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Wow there is a lot to this question but I will try to answer everything. I don't think your Racist. I think you have been affected by Racist just like everyone else. After years of brain washing society it's hard for anyone not to have bad thoughts about blacks. It's not the thoughts that come to your head that make you racist, it's the ones you entertain and act on that make you a racist. Stereotypes are based upon some truth, but not one of them are 100% true which makes them a lie.
You should tell your girlfriend how it makes you feel when she talks about her ex. Nobody wants to sit around and listen to all the things someone else use to do to their girlfriend. If it is meant to be she should respect that and not mention him as much. Let her know that it is okay to talk about him when it really boths her and you will be there for her, but you don't want to hear about him all the time.
I would watch that old still be friends thing. It's fine to be cordial but if they start spending a whole lot of time around each other then something is wrong. You don't deserve that. If she is with you then she should be with you, not trying to be all buddy buddy with her ex. We don't play that around these parts. Be real about how you feel or you'll be miserable inside. Ain't no gal worth dat partner (LOL).
2007-06-15 11:28:55 · answer #2 · answered by cmac 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Racist, no. I truly think the big if not biggest problem is difference in culture. We are all black, white, pink(what ever) raised in a different way, with a different mindset. But as soon as we let our guard down and listen to one another we realize that in all ways we are the same. Same ideals, same dreams. I think the word racism should be deleted from all existence. So many people have no idea what racism is. And besides that horse has been beaten , cloned and beaten to death a million times over. Time to really really move on and forget about that.
2016-05-21 03:06:54 · answer #3 · answered by ? 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
That's STUPID. Ask yourself this. If it were a white man with a big size and rocked her world in bed...would you still feel jealous? If you say yes, then No, you're not a racist. It's probably the thought of your girlfriend being with ANY other man that is making you have these thoughts. And your girlfriend is stupid for bringing things like that up and telling you details like that. What the hell makes her think you wanna hear all that crap?
2007-06-15 08:16:53 · answer #4 · answered by Me baby Me 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Birds of a feather flock together. Is that racism or just instinct and human nature? So, yes, it probably is racism that you are feeling. Is there anything wrong with that? No... Everybody is racist to some degree, just not everybody admits it. Its not politcally correct to think it or mention it. But never fear, what you feel is normal human reaction. It would be bad to act negatively upon what you are thinking, but just because you think it doesn't mean you are bad in any way.
2007-06-15 08:16:31 · answer #5 · answered by brandonb 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
One night we were laying in bed, having a smoke and watching something stupid on T.V. All of a sudden she looks at me and says, "I used to be with a black man." I don't know what kind of reaction she expects from this. I don't know why she even bothered to mention it. Is it an intimidation thing? Or does she just want to check my heart? I look at her and say, "So. You're with me now. That's all I care about." She put her head down on my chest after she kissed me. That was all she ever said about it, and I as far as I care, if he was all that she'd still be with him.
2007-06-15 08:24:26 · answer #6 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
I would probably feel the same, I don't know if its racism or not, but one thing is for sure, you will never forget that she when out with a black guy, never.. take that into consideration, another thing is that we are all racist in one way or another, some people worst than other...don't feel bad
2007-06-15 08:18:00 · answer #7 · answered by ? 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
no i wouldnt say you are because if you ARE racist you wouldnt be in love w/ a chinease woman and not be best friends w/ a black man!! but i have all kinds of freidsn that are different types like that and i dont see the difference but the way they look!!
2007-06-15 08:15:56 · answer #8 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
You would probably be reacting the same way if she told you the guy before you was white and bigger. If so, your not a racist. If you assume he was bigger or better, you are believing a stereotype, which is stupid, but not racist. If she told you he was bigger and better, how stupid on her part.
2007-06-15 08:15:47 · answer #9 · answered by ? 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I think you are jealous that you are not her first. And it was very wrong of her to bring up a past bf like that! You may want to reconsider going out with her if she treats you like that.
2007-06-15 08:15:11 · answer #10 · answered by r.p. 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋