my boyfriend has a 3 year old daughter, her mother is going to jail now, we were supposed to move in tegether but I don't want to take care of another child, I also have a daughter she's 13 years old went through so much with her now she's older and is so easy, I often ask myself why do i feel this way? I know in my heart that im not ready for his baby...it is too much for me right now, or later.I was only 17 when i had mine and i missed so much of my youth at home but she is my baby , I don't feel is fair that her crazy mother ruin everything for us If i didn't love him I would've end this relashionship on a heart beat, ......how do i brake this up to him without sounding like a perferc *****?when all he talks about is how we r a perfect family!!! its hard for me to let anyone in , moving day is so close and don't want to take care of a 3 year old..........what can i do what can i say how can i change this???
2007-06-15 07:36:26 · 47 answers · asked by nica mami74 2 in Pregnancy & Parenting ➔ Parenting
If you loved your boyfriend, you would love his daughter. However, it sounds to me that even if you move in together you are set against helping raise his child. I don't think it is a good idea. You will probably not the best parental figure for her and she is going through a very difficult time!
2007-06-15 07:39:42 · answer #1 · answered by RN_and_mommy 5 · 9⤊ 3⤋
You are entitled to all of these feelings. Feeling like this does not make you a horrible person, or selfish. You actually have done very well to be able to put your frustration to words. So many people can't, or won't and live unhappily.
You've got a serious problem. But first you have to realize that there is no easy way out of this. If you are certain that you can't handle this, or shouldn't, then you need to end the situation as soon as you possibly can, before he turns to rely upon you for help. That said, you must realize that forcing him to take care of a 3 year old on his own will not be easy, for either of you. If there is any way for you to back away from a relationship, but stay close enough to help him on occassion may help you. But it's a hard line to walk, and that option may not be available.
But before you break up, talk to your daughter. Get her perspective. Ask "How do you feel about things right now?" and listen to her. If there is any way for your little group to survive this with your sanity intact, you'll all be wonderful together.
2007-06-15 07:51:13 · answer #2 · answered by Matthew P 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I've read just a few answers left for you and I'm not surprised at what they're telling you. I can't say that I disagree with most, but this is how I see it.
I don't think that you're selfish or a horrible pereson, I just think YOU'RE not READY for a commitment to a boyfriend, husband or more family.
If you were to be REALLY in love, it would come naturally to you to understand what you're living right now. The fact you're letting a man moving in with you and you having a 13 year old girl doesn't set such a great example for your kid either. She is approaching big changes from a girl to a woman and what I think you should do is pay more attention to your own at this time.
Another thing I see, if you were to be ready, you would naturally understand that if you expect him to accept you with a child, you would accept him with what he brings to the table as well.
You need to give yourself time to mature yourself, love and motherhood. I hope you understand what I'm saying here. I don't think you love him, I think YOU THINK you love him, because when you love someone nothing seems imperfect. He has a responsibility of his own, and more important than a new love. Before being a boyfriend, he is a father, and you understand that, don't you? This is what I am suggesting. If you want to work this out with him, first of all, take responsibility of your relationship, meaning, either you take him with all he has, or let him go.
Both of you are parents first, and that should be your priorities, you can still date, but I don't you should live together, that way he will have familiy members to come to his rescue. Meanwhile, keep growing as a couple.
Bottomline, be honest, tell him you're not ready to take care another little one, don't move in together and maybe you can learn to care for his little one without feeling such great responsibility on your back. Then, time will tell..
Seriously, think about this one very carefully, because if you make your daughter babysit and something happens to that little girl, things will get ugglier, besides, it's not your child's responsiblity to do the work for you, she needs attention herself. Think about the long run dear.
Good Luck ;)
2007-06-15 08:24:51 · answer #3 · answered by Unsure 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I know how you feel, I am 21 and have a 6month old on accident. (Don't get me wrong, I love him to death) but I did have sooo many plans and I am missing out on so much life, I can't wait until he is old enough for me to go back to school and hopefully become a police officer like I have always dreamed. Even if I loved a new guy I know I couldn't take care of another child once mine is old enough, there are some women who's dreams are raiseing a family, being a stay at home mom and just having thier babies. You really need to explain to him that you do love him but you also want a life as something other than a care-giver. You have to try and explain to him that you have just passed the "child" stages of your life and would like to move on.
2007-06-18 05:00:18 · answer #4 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
I would find that hard to deal with. It's a downer for sure. If you really love him and want to stay with him and think there is a future, try to stick it out. How long is the mom going to jail for? Will she have custody of the child when she is released? If so, then can you handle it on a temporary basis? It is not your responsibility to take care of someone else's child. It would be very sweet of you if you did. It sounds like the mom is a loser and the little girl needs a good feminine role model. If you can't handle it, get out. The longer you stay will only make things worse. I am sorry you are put into that situation.
2007-06-15 08:14:16 · answer #5 · answered by Fancy 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
It sounds like you need to evaluate your fellings for your boyfriend. You obviously do not love him as much as you thought. When two people love each other and want to live together or even get married they should share an unconditional love for each other. Unconditional love for him means that his daughter would not be an issue at all, but because you love him it would be a joy to share this experience with him. It is good that this has come out now before the move in and you and him have some serious talking to do. You may just need to take things a bit slower and wait for your love to grow stronger. If you still feel the same way in a few months than you may want to consider if this is the right partner for you. You are not selfish or horrible. You just need to fugure out if you are really in love, not to be mistaken with so many other emotions.
Good luck!
2007-06-15 07:51:12 · answer #6 · answered by jojo9 3 · 0⤊ 1⤋
I'm glad you realize your feelings before you move in together. There is really nothing to "do" about it, just not move in. If he is the kind of man that doesn't take care of his responsibilites with all his heart (like being a fantastic father to the child he helped create and who needs him desperately right now) then I don't think you would want to be around him or allow your own daughter to be exposed to such an individual. What if he asked you to get rid of your daughter? Let's face it, 13 year old girls can be a handful! I just hope he cherishes his little girl and raises her to be a successful, productive, strong woman.
2007-06-15 08:02:46 · answer #7 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
You're normal. Don't stress too much about it. I've been in his situation and am a little in yours. I have a 10 yr old and an ex, whom we were almost engaged, decided she couldn't handle being a step parent. I understood fully, it wasn't her responsibility. It sucked, but there was little I could do about changing her mind. On the other hand, I don't want any more kids. Mine is older now, like yours, and is less work. You have to live your life, nobody else. You have to do whatever it takes to make yourself happy. Just be straight with him. He'll be upset, but if you talk to him, he'll respect you for it. Unfortunately, there is no way to break up a relationship without being the bad guy. If you're selfish, so is everyone else around. You're typical. Just be honest with him. Good luck.
2007-06-15 07:54:10 · answer #8 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
I don't think you're selfish or horrible at all. Parenting is not for everyone, and step parenting a different deal altogether. Some people are fine with it, others are not. Also, there is alot of liberation that comes when your own child becomes a teenager. It's normal to not want to go back into the toddler years.
However, even though you don't want to parent this child, she is your boyfriend's child and he obligated (emotionally, spiritually, financially, etc) to care for her. It's not fair to the innocent child to have any sort wedge between her and her father, espcially since he is the only parent she has now.
You need to either committ to raising this child with your boyfriend, or leave the relationship.
Is hiring a nanny an option? Maybe if you don't feel responsible for her every day care, you will be able to deal better.
2007-06-15 07:43:13 · answer #9 · answered by ryet_grrrl 3 · 2⤊ 1⤋
I don't necessarily think it's selfish. You can't always help how you feel. However, you have to end this relationship NOW before it goes any further. And you cannot let him talk you into staying. If you stay, you are going to end up doing a lot of damage to that child and it's not her fault she's been dealt a bad hand. And in the future, you should not date ANYONE that has children because this always has a chance of happening with someone that has children.
2007-06-15 07:57:58 · answer #10 · answered by Rene 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I am kinda in the same boat, but i actually enjoy taking care of my boyfriends daughter who is going to be three this year. I have taken care of her since she was one in a half and it's the motherly instinct that comes out when she is around. I am waiting to see if we are going to have one of our own, but honey I think you need to let him know how you feel. Moving in with him is a big yes but you can't ignore the little girl it will only make your guys relationship harder cause that's his daughter and you can't change that. Yes I deal with a crazy mother but she didn't ruin anything. It's not the childs fault and it's better that your boyfriend is being a good father than a dead beat. He sounds great in that sense. I think you have to really think about if you want to move in with him especially if you're not ready to take care of a child. GOOD LUCK!
2007-06-15 07:43:38 · answer #11 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 1⤋