Am I wrong not to give condolences to acquaintances?

Question

I seem to be unable to give people condolences when a loved
one dies when they are only an acquaintance. For example,
one of the nurses on my job recently lost her son in a car
accident. This happened about a month ago. When I saw her
today I said nothing in regards to it. My thinking is that when
people are trying to get through grief they don't need to be
constantly reminded about the loss of a loved one.
Am I wrong in this? How would you like to be treated by
coworkers or if you were in that situation?

Thanks to everyone who answered. There are some moments in time that you just wish you could back. I wanted to something but wasn't sure of what to say or whether saying anything would be
like rubbing salt in a womb. One answerer suggested I place myself in the other persons shoes and say what I would want to hear. I don't like saying things to people that feel too arbitrary.
I've settled on saying this the next time
I see her, " Are you okay? I lost my only
brother ten years ago and I know it can
be rough". It might not be the exact right thing to say but it comes more from
the heart. So I'll try that.

Answer 1

Yeah that is a tough one, I go through the same thing.. its like first of all I don't want to offend them, and second of all if I am not close to the person I don't really know how to approach them.. but I feel bad when I don't extend my condolences. A good way to deal with it is to place yourself in their shoes, ask yourself would you want their condolences ? and how would you feel if they said nothing? I think that is a good guide. But I totally understand your plight.

Answer 2

We should absolutely offer condolances, and in a warm, sincere and loving manner. Don't worry, you won't be "reminding" them...because it's already heavy on their mind. Believe me, it's not so much what you say, (as long as it's of a consoling nature and from the heart) but that you even make the effort to show that you care...that's the important thing. My dear sweet wife of 27 years suddenly and unexpectedly died at our home only a week ago while I was out at the barn/shop working on my truck. I came in to check on her because she wasn't answering her phone. I found her lifeless. She was only 61. I'm very sad. Through this past week, even the condolances offered from complete strangers have been greatly appreciated. I bought some groceries today, and the checkout lady sensed that I was sad. She asked me if I was ok, and I told her what had happened. She said she was so sorry, and went on to say that she had lost her husband ten years ago when he was only 45 years old. I offered my sincere regrets to her also, in spite of the fact that it had been some time ago...and she appreciated it. After she finished bagging my groceries, she gave me a big hug. Her sincerity meant so much to me...and I told her so. On the other hand, there are some folks who live nearby and know what's happened, yet when I've seen them in town or at the restaurant or elsewhere, they say nothing...and it hurts, and they come across as cold-hearted. One neighbor actually said, "Huh...well, it happens." Oh...thanks so much...jeez. In addition to the kind words, it's extra kind to offer a comforting touch...your hand on their shoulder, holding their hand(s), or even an arm around their shoulders or a hug. Human touch is important. Remember...we're all children of God, which makes us all brothers and sisters. And we're all sensitive people...whether we want to admit it or not. And the way we treat each other...good or bad...has much more far-reaching affects than most people realize...like ripples in a pond. Jesus taught us that loving each other is the best way to show love for him. So don't be afraid to open up and give of yourself, either by word or deed. And it doesn't only have to be when someone is grieving...it's important at all times...so that none of us feels alone. God bless us all.

Answer 3

To not acknowledge the loss is like trying to ignore an elephant in the room. There is nothing you can say that will change anything, but I think you should say something, even now, that would convey your sympathy to this person who has had such a great loss. You might just say, "I'm sorry about your son, I just didn't know what to say." She'll remember if you do say something and she'll also remember if you don't.

Answer 4

Depends on my relationship with the coworker. Those that I'm close to, I'll tell offer condolences. Those that I'm not close to, I'll offer condolences if either they bring it up, or if it just happened and I hear about it. In your situation where it happened a month before you saw her again, I probably would not say anything about it.

Answer 5

I used to feel exactly the same way as you, until I lost my Dad. Then I found it very comforting when people acknowledged his passing, even when it was someone I didn't know too well. Since that time, I've always made it a point to say "I'm sorry to hear that you lost your Mom," or whatever is appropriate. Most of the time, a simple "I'm sorry" is all they want to hear.

Answer 6

It is difficult for many people to express themselves in situations like this.

It isn't that they don't need to be reminded but it is comforting to many to hear others acknowledge their loss.

If you can't bring yourself to do it verbally then send a condolence card. It isn't as personal as you saying it but the sentiment is properly expressed.

Answer 7

Use these simple words:
"I am so sorry for your loss."

Never more, never less.
If you say nothing, the person could feel ostracized from everyone during a time that is already tragic.

And saying anything more will always ruin it. It will be the wrong thing to say; it will not make sense, and it will strike a nerve.

Answer 8

Im so sorry, but when I first looked at this question i thought u said
"Am I wrong not to give condoleeza to acquaintances?"
I was like: "oh, well its true she's lonely, but......."

Answer 9

i have lost a loved one......and the worst thing you can do is not acknowledge the situation!!! it hurts more than you will ever know!!!! yes there is nothing that you can say or do that will help the person, but acknowledgement is soooo important!!!! and it was her son?!!?!? imagine her pain!!!! just a little 'thought about you' means so much! i hope this changes your attitude towards these kind of situations!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Answer 10

Chris Moore and Jamie Roberts asked the same question. You should read the answers side by side.