I am a 23 yr old ,married woman with six yr old daughter. About a month ago I let my mother come and live with me. My step father died in August and times have been hard on her since. The problem is my mother is driving me and my husband crazy. There is no smoking in my house so she is constantly going in and out. She is on the phone till all hours at night and she is constantly asking for money. I let her come live with me so she could find a job and save so she could get back on her feet. She goes job hunting one day a week (if that). What can I do light a fire under her so that we can all put this difficult situation behind us??? Because if this keeps going the way it is my might lose my mind!!!!
2007-06-15 02:16:13 · 11 answers · asked by DEBBY'S BABY 4 in Family & Relationships ➔ Family
make her pay rent then tell her that she needs to control herself and she needs to listen to you!!
2007-06-15 02:26:47 · answer #1 · answered by Jadis 1 · 0⤊ 1⤋
Well there is nothing you are going to do about the smoking. It is your choice to have no smoking in the house so if she smokes a pack or more a day then she is going to be in and out. The phone well if it is your line (in your name) tell her you would prefer she not be on the phone after certain hours because it is disturbing your sleep or your daughters. Money, stop giving her any. You are not a bank, tell her if she has no intention of finding a job she is welcome to live there but you are not going to be giving her anymore money because you cant afford it. If it really bugs you give her a time limit, say three months and if she doesnt have a job she is going to have to move on because having her under foot 24/7 is driving you nuts
2007-06-15 09:21:52 · answer #2 · answered by dave n 5 · 1⤊ 0⤋
You needed to have set some ground rules for Mom
when she moved in. It's not too late. You and your husband need to discuss between you about some things that are and are not working. Then sit down with mom and have a talk. She may be depressed, and need counseling.
She may not realize she is disrupting the household.
You might need to give her a time limit that she can stay with you. Like a year. And 365 days from today, she needs to move out. Help her outline the steps she needs ot take, or
get her to a therapist that can help her. The investment of
3 sessions with the therapist will be cheaper in the long run.
2007-06-15 09:28:39 · answer #3 · answered by M S 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Hi! I'm sure your mother is likely feeling "lost" since the death of your step father.
Even so, we have to lay down "ground rules" for people who come to live with us, especially relatives. If you and your husband didn't talk to your mother about what you expect of her right when she moved in, there were not rules set and she probably feels like she has the freedom to do whatever she wants, never get a job and use your telephone and other things freely and without limitation.
Perhaps you and your husband could discuss this, then talk with your mother about what you need from her. If you don't do this for yourself and also for HER, your situation is going to become more and more uncomfortable.
She may not like hearing "we expect you to look for a job more frequently than once a week, and we want you to persue it until you find one" - or "you are tying up our phone lines too often, and we'd appreciate it if you could limit yourself" -- or "we expect you to save money for X amount of months/weeks after you find employment and then get your own place"...
Let her know you care and you want to help, will always be there for her but you feel she might be stagnating and not moving forward with her life because of her husband's death. After all, it would be a lot healthier for your mom to learn to fend for herself.
There are grief support groups in many communities and also help from therapy if your mother seems "stunted" and unable to move on. We all deal with grief differently, and maybe she needs some help or support in getting through her loss.
take care
2007-06-15 11:34:09 · answer #4 · answered by letterstoheather 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
It's your house, you get to make the rules. Set them up & make sure EVERYONE in the house follows them. This way they will be easier to enforce with your Mother.
Second, give her a deadline. She must have a job & a place to live by X date. If that date comes, and she doesn't have a job, she'll have to go someplace else. It's called tough love and your Mother would do it for you if the situation was reversed. It's hard, but you can do it!
2007-06-15 09:25:09 · answer #5 · answered by retropink 5 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Sounds like your step father spoiled her. At least she is smoking outside. Give a deadline on the job thing. Explain to her you don't have enough money to just give it to her. You could loan her money but put the loan in writing. Tell her the house rule no phone calls after 8p.m. or what ever time your daughter goes to bed.
2007-06-15 09:32:40 · answer #6 · answered by bluebird 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Well, I would explain to her that this is your house, and just like you living with her, there needs to be rules. Explain to her that she is going to have to step up to the plate, and be an adult. Tell her that this can't keep going on. While you love and help support her, she needs to move on with her life and start living again.
2007-06-15 12:02:09 · answer #7 · answered by ACS 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Don't give her money. Tell her that she's going to have to find some kind of job because she can't live with you forever. Set a date for her to move out and stick to it.
2007-06-15 10:13:33 · answer #8 · answered by LB 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Help her find a job that way she can get the hell out of ur house faster !
2007-06-15 09:19:41 · answer #9 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Help your Mom set a goal. Tell her she MUST be out of your
house by a certain date.
It worked with my nephew. I set a deadline, he found an apartment, and we were both much happier.
2007-06-15 09:34:47 · answer #10 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋