I'm really troubled today. I have had a string of abusive men in my life, my father, my husband, my recent ex. They were all emotionally unavailable, and tried to control me, my creativity and my emotions. Thing is, as unhappy as I was with all of them, I enjoyed constantly trying to be everything they wanted. As much as it was destroying me, it was the acceptance that I craved and yearned for that provided excitement and passion. A very unhealthy balance I know, but I very low-self esteem, and constantly trying to be someone they wanted me to be made me happy in an unhealthy way. I can't really explain it properly.
I've met a new guy and have told him all of this, I've said to him now that I can only offer friendship which he is OK with. The reason I've said this is because he was too nice to me. I couldn't stand it. I don't feel I deserve it, and it scared me. The safety zone was horrible for me.
Why on earth am I like this? Why am I attracted to men who hurt me?
2007-06-15 00:00:14 · 19 answers · asked by rollacoasta 3 in Family & Relationships ➔ Singles & Dating
Because that is all you have known....do you let your women friends treat you so badly too? i think you need to go and get some professional counselling...you can arrange this via your doctor......
until then...have a break...take a rest...do things to help others ,..build up your self esteem....good luck
2007-06-15 00:05:31 · answer #1 · answered by janey 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
I also went through the abusive relationships. My ex and a boyfriend of mine.
I can honestly say that you have no self esteem. You need to get some counselling from the women's center for abused women. There is an 800 number in every state/county that you can call and get the help you need. They will help you stop the abusive relationships! They are all well trained in this area, in fact many of them, if not all of them have gone through the same ordeal. You deserve better. You are scared that you are not worthy of a normal loving man, but the truth is that you truly are deserving. You do not know how to act towards a normal non-abusive man and the counselling can and will help you. You are used to these abusive men telling you that no one is ever going to want you and that you are nothing! None of this is true!
Stop pushing away an abusive free future! You deserve a loving, non-abusive man in your life once and for all!
2007-06-18 15:05:18 · answer #2 · answered by sabb_4 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
You have been programmed. Because the men in your life that were supposed to be 'role models' and the 'ones you can trust' hurt you, you have come to accept that as normal with the subconscious thinking of 'it must be right if THEY did it' ...
It is not right .. part of the healing process will be to allow a man to love you and care for you .. it might be rough at first and take you way out of your comfort zone but humans are wonderfully adaptable and over time you will come to realise that there IS another way and it is actually the way that most people live their lives.
Dont give up and dont deny yourself happiness .. you seem like a strong woman (I am a fan!) and I think you have the power to really change your world .. so go for it!
2007-06-15 00:06:28 · answer #3 · answered by enzuigiriuk 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I answered a Y/A question which was posted by a Pervert. I told him he was helping spread HIV to innocent children who die after a blood transfusion. I reconcile my answer with my philosophy because I spoke the truth. Truth stands alone. Yes, I was rude, insensitive, mean, cruel, and hurtful. Because I know two innocent little children who died of HIV after receiving a blood transfusion. I have no patience with perverts. If I see another person treating someone badly, I decide if the treatment is justified. If not, I will side with the person being treated badly. How is that for answering your question exactly as asked? Have a great day.
2016-04-01 08:52:09 · answer #4 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
You choose the wrong men because it has been in you life for so long. You need to learn to take care of yourself and value yourself before you get involved in another relationship. You deserve someone who is going to treat you right and until you can build up your self esstem and value yourself this will not be the time to start a new relationship. If your not happy with you then you can't be happy with anyone. A relationship should be 100% on both parts. Don't do anything for another person that they can do for themselves unless you want to do it on your own. Otherwise they will begin to expect it all the time. Grow within yourself then find someone who is gonna treat you right. Good Luck!!
2007-06-15 00:09:41 · answer #5 · answered by fairy crazy 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Why? Because it's what you are familiar with. It's the way you were taught to relate to men. It's what you understand and what you're comfortable with, even though it's unhealthy and it hurts you.
But the good news is you don't have to stay this way if you don't want to. You don't have to continue to attract and be attracted to men who are abusive.
In the back of your mind you may think nice men are 'weak' so they don't appeal to you. You can turn that around and decide that it takes a whole lot more courage to treat a woman well-because it does.
The ball is in your court and you have the power to change your abusive pattern if you want to. Talk to someone about this-a Pastor or Rabbi or counselor (even if you don't go to church) and pray. Because you want to change your core values-who you are- and that not only takes courage, it takes support.
But I believe you can do it or you wouldn't be reaching out for help and for understanding of why you are this way.
The truth is, you want to change and you can change and you will change. And you will find a man who loves you and you will be able to recieve his love and return his love. Hang in there.
Good luck!
2007-06-15 00:19:17 · answer #6 · answered by Mary L 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Everyone copes with different experiences in different ways.
It sure sounds like you have had a troubled life.
I would really suggest some counselling. I was with a guy just over 12 months ago who put me in hospital, I went to group and 1 on 1 counselling sessions and they were the best thing that I have ever done - you can discuss anything you want to - they do not judge you or criticise and they don't tell you what to do.
I'm not saying this works for everyone, but what do you have to loose?
Give it a go and good luck for your future x
2007-06-15 00:24:28 · answer #7 · answered by MinibabeUK73 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Well I would say if a boy treats you nicely accept it,maybe he is genuine, never think that you don,t deserve it. Everybody deserves to have a careing partner also deserves to be cared for in the right way. Don,t be scared off ! try to stick with it! People are different,evan though you had a bad time with previous males! It does not mean we are tarred with the same brush!
just some friendly advice
cowboy5
2007-06-15 00:15:49 · answer #8 · answered by cowboy5 2 · 2⤊ 0⤋
I'm in this position with a girl I really like and it's frustrating the hell out of me. No matter how much I tell her she deserves to be happy, she just thinks I'm looking through rose-tinted glasses. Then she says she doesn't deserve me! I want to be the judge of that but it's interesting you say he was too nice to you and that scared you. I've got a horrible feeling that this is the case with me. Is it a fear of being happy?
2007-06-15 00:18:20 · answer #9 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
i think it probably has to do with the fact that your dad was abusive, so you grew up with thinking that life was like that, and that is was your fault, which it wasn't. until you learn to accept that you deserve good things in life you will never be able to accept anything better for yourself, maybe you should give this guy a chance at being more than a friend and let you what it is to be happy for yourself and not for others
xxx good luck
2007-06-15 00:05:43 · answer #10 · answered by Anonymous · 2⤊ 0⤋