I am too shy to tell anyone I know this so I am asking online anonymously?

Question

I have been married three years and recently my wife has become physically abusive. She never used to be when we were dating but after we married she started becoming verbally abusive. However, lately she has begun beating me as well (and not in a kinky way). I had to take a week off work last month after her last outburst. This was not the first time either. I just wanted to know where she had stayed that night because she didn't come home.

If I divorce her I know I will lose half my house and business which I have worked very hard for.

She will take my daughter away too.

I am too shy to tell anyone, friends, family or police that my wife beats me. I have been telling people that I am doing some karate training.

My staff are starting to get annoyed because i am taking so much time off work.

I guess I am really just venting here sorry.

Answer 1

I can understand your embarassment, but this has gone too far to ignore. You have a child to protect (and if you think she won't strike out at your child, you are wrong).
This is your life, your home, your business. She is one hundred percent in the wrong and you have to do something.
My advice is to hire a lawyer, and videotape your confrontations. Photograph your injuries. If you have a record of her abuse, it will be clear to the judge not only that she is violent and dangerous, but also at fault for your divorce. This will prevent her from getting the upper hand during proceedings, and it will serve to protect your assets.
Also, start confiding in YOUR family. It's obvious you don't want to, but this kind of situation occurs far more often than you would think, and not only might your relatives have advice, they can later testify on your behalf.
Do, no matter what, seek legal representation. If your wife is staying out all night, and then coming home and starting a fight, she may be trying to get YOU to hit HER. She might already have someone else, and is simply trying to end your marriage in a way that is favorable to her, which a black eye would certainly guarantee.
Think smart, and think ahead. That's key.

Answer 2

I'm sorry to hear it, man. I've got a couple thoughts for you...

Are you ACTUALLY training in Karate? If not, I think it's a very good idea. Not only is it fun, but it's also very useful, especially for unfortunate situations like these. Even if you don't intend on taking classes in the long term or on a regular basis, there are certain moves that you can learn in an hour or two that can help you to gain control of a situation (wrist press, pressure points, etc.) And such things are very easy to learn and apply. It is surprisingly easy to flip someone over and make them beg for mercy.

ON THE OTHER HAND, your relationship with your wife is certainly not a healthy one. You should definitely *NOT* have to resort to self-defense and/or violence. You should *NOT* have to detain your wife. It's certainly not good for your daughter to witness this either. I understand completely where you're coming from about not wanting to tell anyone out of embarrassment. I wouldn't want to either, but the way I see it, you have several options: A) Go to the police. B) Go to marriage counseling. C) Get a divorce. There are pros and cons to each, and ultimately, the decision is yours. If I were in your situation, I would get a divorce. Somehow I doubt that you will lose half of everything, especially if it comes out in court that you suffered domestic abuse. I think you will have the upper hand, especially in the custody of your daughter. Whatever what you eventually decide, I suggest that you seek advice from an attorney.

Remember, you are NEVER helpless. There's always a way out. You may have to start over with some things and fix others, and you'll just have to work that much harder. Be a man and do whatever it takes to resolve your situation. Keep the faith.

Answer 3

Men can be in abusive relationships just as women can. Here's some info that might be helpful: http://www.menstuff.org/issues/byissue/domesticviolence.html

You need to report this, and to get out. If she is harming you, it's a matter of time before she begins harming the children - if she hasn't already. You may well be able to gain custody of the kids under the circumstances. Call 911 the next time she starts so you have a police record of the abuse.

I'd also advise you to document the abuse. Take photographs, write down days/times, keep track of any doctor/hospital visits, and so on. You may want to ask a trusted friend if you can stay for a while. Start moving treasured possessions out of the house into a secure storage area, and make any appropriate bank withdrawls in order to prevent her from bleeding the account dry if you leave. Take the kids with you and GET OUT.

Please be careful - an abusive relationship is a terrifying place to be, and you need to reach out for help in order to get out. The house and the business are just things - they are hard to lose, but they can be replaced. You and your children are more important than any other "stuff."

Answer 4

You are not alone. It does seem unbelievable, but women are more violent in relationships than men are. Unfortunately, people tend to focus on men beating women because it's more common traditionally, and because many people are cruel enough to believe that men are able look after themselves.

I'm not sure what the law states where you live, but I know that in some places a spouse who has been beaten has certain rights under divorce law that can affect the distribution of property, and almost always affect cases involving child custody. It's definitely worth looking into, and getting some legal help - there are probably anonymous help-lines you can get in touch with, or you could post a question in the "Law" section on Yahoo!Answers, or you could ring somewhere that helps women who have been beaten - they may not be allowed to offer you direct help, but I'm sure they could give you information about where to turn, and asking for information does not compel you to take action.

It sounds to me as though you need to change things - it's not fair on you, it's not fair on your staff, it's not fair on your wife, and it's definitely not fair on your daughter. You have a responsibility to ensure she doesn't grow up living in a house where anybody is abused in any way, and a responsibility to yourself: you don't deserve to be abused, or to have to lie to make your wife seem like a better person - she needs to answer for her actions, or she may start beating others as well.

If you are set on staying in your marriage, you still need to change. My advice would be to get some counselling - you don't have to act upon the counselling you get, but at the very least, your counsellor will be able to offer you informed advice on how you can ensure that you are not abused at all.

Finally, don't apologise for venting. You have every right to do so, especially under the circumstances, and no sensible person will blame you for it. Good luck.

Answer 5

My brother was in an abusive marriage and was also too shy to tell anyone until the night his crazy wife stabbed him during a fight. His lung collapsed and the neighbors called the cops. THANK GOD the neighbors heard something. I know you feel violated but that is nothing different than what women feel when they go through it. You need to leave the situation and report the abuse. Maybe you are not ready to press charges but please in the very least report the abuse. Once you have reported the abuse, it makes divorce settlement much easier. Talk to a divorce attorney. Many times consultations are free and that attorney can tell you your rights. You may NOT lose everything you think. Plus crazy women have been known to cross the line and then plead temporary insanity. If you report the abuse, she cannot plead temp. insanity. Plus, losing half of your house is nothing compared to losing your lung, half of your right arm and several teeth! Believe me!

Answer 6

It's ok to vent, and this is a great place to do it. Domestic abuse from women is much more common than people think, but many men are ashamed to admit it. However, it is a serious problem, as is any form of domestic abuse. If this is really a problem for you, which I think you made clear it is, than it is probably best that you get you and your daughter out of this situation.

I'm sure it would be hard for you to come out and expose this situation to your family, peers, coworkers, etc., but you need to contact the police. If you do wind up getting a divorce, a documented history and a conviction of domestic violence will make it harder for your wife to get custody of your daughter.

I hope this helps.

Answer 7

Your overriding responsibility now is to protect your daughter from this type of behavior. You need to keep her welfare in mind foremost because your wife is not. Ok, this is going to sound tough to do, but you have no choice. You must report this to the cops, to your clergy and to someone you trust in your personal life. You must also see an attorney as soon as possible and start to protect your assets.The reason is to document her behavior. If she is off her rocker she stands a greatly reduced chance of winning half of anything from you. I divorced over ten years ago and I received the house and sole physical custody of our son. She moved out and I had the courts garnish her wage for child support. Good luck.

Answer 8

Why don't you talk to her. But the last thing you want to say to her is why did you beat me up. Okay now don't tell any one but your wife. WHy don't you bring her something nice. Or take her to a really cool restaraunt. And self defense won't help at all. Because then your wife will get even more pissed. ANd she will start beating you on a daily basis. Instead to protect yourself use shouting. Ok your last resort for everything is divorce okay. Just take a few weeks trying to make her calm again okay? And just stay still when she beats you she will stop and she will talk to you. If she doesn't want to talk then leave her alone for a while. Tell her that if you divorce you will lose everything okay. Make her feel sorry for you.

Answer 9

Experienced Domestic Violence Lawyers
American and California Bar Certified Lawyer Referral Service.

www.lawyerbureau.com



Domestic Violence Program, DCFS
www.hsdcfs.state.ut.us/domestic_violence.htm

Answer 10

This is way too serious to just let slide. You must tell someone. She couldn't possibly get everything if she is abusive. Because that isn't safe for your daughter either if your wife is abusive. You must tell someone and divorce this woman. It can only get worse if you don't.