Falling for a wonderful man who has addictions.?

Question

I'm falling for a wonderful man who has addictions. Now as it stands we are just friends getting to know eachother, i would imagine in a few months it will be more. he has a bad past with drinking and a little drug use. his last slip up was may 5th. im just asking out there if anyone has had any experience with a recovering addict. im kinda scared to get too close. but , i sure do enjoy spending time with him. i don't do drugs or drink so i think i am a good friend for him. i feel he is truely trying to get his life back together he has a good job and nice home, he is a loving father.

give me some feed back, im all ears.

Answer 1

Dont get too involved just yet. But be there for him as a friend and encourage his recovery, but if you get too attached you could be hurt if there is a relapse and he changes to a person you dont think you know. Definately lend your support though, and continue to enjoy your time spent together, it probably helps him more than you know.

Answer 2

Boy does your question strike a nerve for me. 7 years ago I was in your boat. I decided to go for it. In my case the guy went back to drinking and got way out of control. He keeps trying to stop but can't seem to get himself together. It has been 7 years of frustration, hurt, and anger. There is nothing I can do to help him, and nothing I say has an impact. I have begged, pleaded, fought with him, and left him several times. The last time it was six months before I would even take his calls. He dried up and promised never again. Because I love him so much I bought it hook, line and sinker. It's now four months later, he has gone to his parents "for a visit" and is on a binge. I've heard from him twice in two weeks. This man has one of the biggest hearts of anyone I have ever met. I know for my own sanity I should leave him but it is so difficult.

I'm not saying your man will do the same thing, but I want you to think about it long and hard before getting more involved. I too am a non drinker / user. I too hoped I would be a good influence and a good friend. If you do get involved and he falls you could find yourself where I am. Hurt that I am not enough, confused over how someone can choose booze over someone who loves you and tired of being second to a bottle.

Take it slow. Be his friend. Watch from a distance and see how he does. What ever you decide, I wish you both the best.

Answer 3

That is a hard one. I have an alcoholic brother and he has a wife and 2 kids. He is a good man....when he is not drinking.....but in all honesty, that is rare........One thing I firmly believe, sadly to say, is that once an alcoholic........always an alcoholic.......Doesn't mean they are not good people, but they do have a problem that will never truly be gone.....and also, never ever think you can change someone, there is more of a probability that they will change you. I am not telling you not to continue with the relationship or not be his friend, and maybe this isn't what you wanted to hear, but I am just being honest. I guess it depends on how bad he is when he drinks or does drugs? And how often he does it when he isn't trying to stop....some people smoke a little here or there, doesn't really hurt anyone....I don't do it or agree with it, but really doesn't hurt anyone......the same for drinking.......all depends on how they are when they drink and the frequency of it. If he is truly wonderful, I wish you my best and hope it works. But becareful that his past addictions don't come back full circle and nip you in the tuccus! Lemme know how it goes.....Good luck!

Answer 4

First, make sure that your dear friend is in a program like AA, NA or the such. There he must go to meetings, do the 12 steps and get a sponsor. He will be told not to make any major changes in his life for the next year and that most definitely includes relationships--sorry sweety. He must work on himself and make himself whole before he can get into a healthy relationship. Right now he probably thinks that he has a woman shaped hole in his life, where the hole is so much deeper and vast.
In this relationship you are the perfect person to play the doormat or hostage. Be the friend and get him the help and then when he is ready and recovered you can be so much more to him.
Good luck.
Email me if you have any further questions.

Answer 5

Speaking from experience, My daughter's father was a drinker when I met him. That much I knew. I didn't mind, hell, I drank too. After we had been living together about 6 mos. he started getting really violent. I then found out that he was a Meth addict (IV user). I thought I loved him and could help him. When I got pregnant, he threatened to kill both me and the baby. I moved away to keep my baby safe. He has not seen her since she was 2. (she will be 23 in November).
That's my story. I've heard similar things from many women. I suggest that you not let your relationship become anything more until you see that he does get his life together. Even then, maybe you should look elsewhere for your boyfriend/ husband.

Answer 6

Don't date him unless he has 2 years of continuous sobriety/clean. The question should be what can he be for you? You deserve some happiness and security. It sounds like a relationship would keep him from his primary goal of staying sober. Do him a favor and cut him loose. Tell him you want the kind of lifestyle that he can't give you. He has a number one love already, the booze and the drugs. You can't win here. Best of luck to you!!

Answer 7

(life history from my wife) My past history is with a man that has similar problems and the addiction is like another woman that won't leave your man alone. Unfortunately, the other woman (addiction) won my man. It is a horrible love triangle and I would never recommend anyone for this type of relationship. good luck

Answer 8

Help him recover before taking the next step!! Does he want help? if so...Do help him , you will always wonder what if!!.. if he doesnt.. then basically your settling, and allowing, which will never work, especially with you saying you dont drink or do drugs, you wouldnt understand what he is going through when he lashes out and does drugs or drinks.. you will end up blaming yourself in the end. Good luck!

Answer 9

I don't want to say it CAN'T work, but you have to think long and hard about how strong you think you can be, and if it's worth it. Addicts can recover, but it has to be their own will that overcomes the addiction. It's very hard for the non-addicted party in a relationship...if the addict isn't fully committed.

Answer 10

I wish I were your friend because I would shake some sense into you! Is your self esteem so low that you think you have to date addicted, alcoholics? Yes, he is an addicted alcoholic! Leave him alone and find yourself a wonderful, non drinking, no druggie man. There are plenty out there. And, even if you dont find him right away, you'll have peace of mind.

You can do bad by yourself, girl!!!!!!