A bride cancels her own bridal shower?

Question

My family was throwing a bridal shower for my sister in law to be next weekend. She some how found out about it and called one of my relatives and told them that, "I will not show up at that party, If you throw me that party, there will be no bride there" She doesn't want to go to her bridal shower because she wants to go to ehr friends son's birthday party. My family is shocked. she is always rude like this to our family, but we all shut up to not hurt my brother. I think the camels back has broken. Please help me before i say something that I will regret forever. Is she correct to do this to someone?? Just give me your thoughts

The wedding party has all been told of the plans. It wasn't going to be a 'hey, party time!' Your not suppose to know about parties like this. I told my brother two weeks ago about the party and that i wanted to boys to get together while it was going on. I don't get how we could be wrong and there are people that answer saying that it is okay to be rude and say i'm not showing up. there is a nice way to deal with everything. What gets me thought, is that there are obviously more people like her out there, since people have attacked me basically on here.

TWO IDIOTS OUT OF 13 IS NOT BAD AT ALL

Answer 1

Okay first of all did she make it clear that she did not want a bridal shower? if she did and you were throwing her one anyway that is not a nice thing to do.
That being said if we assume she wanted a shower you have to keep in mind when you plan a bridal shower you talk to the groom, the mom, friends and the BRIDE and make sure that she is going to be free on the day in question. (you give her a bunch of dates to throw her off) You don't pick a day and expect her life to stop because you think you are doing your duty and throwing her a shower. If this was going to be a surprise how in the world were you going to get her there anyway when she had important plans for the day. This is supposed to be a gift for the bride not a headache. It sounds like you have a communication problem in your family. You were inconsiderate to not take her commitments into consideration when planning and she is being rude by not going to the shower - although one could argue that she can't go. Unfortunately the end result is that she will not have a bridal shower.

Let this go. It may suck but since it seems like everyone involved (including the bride) has some sort of fault here I would get over it and move on. Learn from this though, she is going to be your sister in law and you need to open up the lines of communication with her and your brother.
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*Added* So you planned this two weeks ago and your mad that she can't go? Invitations should be out at least a month before. All you had to do was talk to your brother a month (2 months) ago and see if she was free that day. His job is to keep the day open or "plan" something so that he can get her there. You know she thinks she is going to a graduation party but it's really her shower. I'm sure the b-day party was planned out at least that far in advance. I'm starting to think you are looking for an excuse/validation to pick a fight with her because you don't like her. You sound very immature calling people you asked advice from idiots. You need to realize that YOU HAVE NO CLUE HOW TO THROW A SURPRISE PARTY and do better next time.

Answer 2

I don't think the fact that she can't/won't go is bad... but the way she handled it was definitely not the nicest.

Was she aware of the shower beforehand? I don't make bridal showers as a surprise because you never know what plans they may make for that day. Also, was your family aware of this other event she had already committed to? You can't expect her to skip the other event if she's already committed to that.

But like I said, I don't think she handled it very well. She should have said that she appreciated all the effort but unfortunately she's already made a prior committment. But you're right, for your brother's sake you have to be nice about your response. Maybe say something to your brother about it. I don't really know what you can say that doesn't alienate him and his fiance from your family and just put him on the defensive... Personally, I would tell my brother if I didn't like his fiance, but that's just how the dynamic in my family works. You should definitely say something to him before the wedding.

Or, better yet, just cancel the shower and not set up another one. If she's upset, well that's her problem.

Answer 3

If this was a surprise one, and was told about it way after she said she'd be at her friends sons bday party, then it should have been rescheduled.

You need to make sure there are ZERO plans the day you plan the shower, or make plans with her so she doesn't make any plans with anyone else. So she obviously has plans.

So, my suggestion is, cancel the bridal shower, let the people who did get gifts know that it isn't happening and to have the shower gift be the wedding gift if they want, and that you will not be rescheduling. Do not give her another bridal shower.

Answer 4

I'm not trying to attack you, but if you already know the answer then why ask it here.

Although she sounds like she is rude & rash in her manner of telling you she wasn't going to be at the party you organised, I think it is both presumptuous and rude of you to not involve her in the bridal shower. It is the senior bridesmaid's domain to organise a bridal shower - not the inlaw's family. For you to presume that she will be available, was silly, as you have now discovered that she has plans already. If it was me, I'd go to my friend's son's birthday party too if I'd promised to be there, or try to come to some sort of compromise to do both.

I'm sure you didn't mean to rub her up the wrong way, and that you thought you were trying to do something nice for her. But in reality, you didn't think hard enough about what she would really want. So in actual fact, the party isn't really quite as thoughtful as you intended it to be.

Answer 5

Yes, that was a rude response, but it is understandable because something important was going on that day. If it was her friend then maybe some of their friends want to attend the birthday party as well and are stuck choosing. It was a bad idea to not run the date past someone first. Now if she doesnt show up to one of the parties, she is rude either way. She was put into a hard position, but DID make a rude remark to your family.

Answer 6

Your family scheduled a shower on a day she was already supposed to be somewhere else? Or she came up with this because she doesn't want to have a shower? The maid of Honor usually throws the shower so are there 2?

If all goes well at these things it is a surprise, she thinks she has something else on her calendar so she is free that day and someone has gotten both the bride and groom's families invited.

Answer 7

She IS rude! I agree with you. There are some weird people on here that give horrible answers just to mean.
Anyway NO the bride cant cancel her own shower unless it was for an emergency (like a relative just went to the hospital ER, for example).
Here is my advice:
DO NOT throw the bride another shower!
Only give a gift at the wedding!
I would love to have a in law family like yours! I had to send out my the invitations to my OWN bridal shower. And my inlaws did everything they could during my shower to be negative and say negative things so my bridal shower couldnt be happy with them around.
Your family was so nice to throw her a surprise shower. I would have loved a surprise. Or at least loved not having to invite guests myself!
So dont give her another shower. She lost that priviledge now!
Tell your brother that with her rudeness she lost having a bridal shower because you all learned your lesson. Or tell that directly to her.
She could have at least CALLED you all too, when she was canceling. The fact that she told 1 person she wasnt coming made what she did EVEN ruder! (if that is a word. if not her actions made ruder a word!)

Answer 8

I think you are right at being offended, no matter what some of these ppl say. Your family was trying to be nice and do something for her. She could have asked to change the time or reschedule for another day if she found out, but for your brother's sake, and the sake of family peace, I would try to take the high road. I would call her yourself, ask her if a shower could be thrown on a different day and see what she says. If she still asks rude, then I would go to your brother and tell him what you think of her.

Answer 9

I agree with Dee. If it was a suprise, that was a mistake. It's one thing to throw a suprise party by MAKING plans with her to go to lunch with you.. and then... SUPRISE... everyone is here!

But to expect her to change plans that may be important to her because you did not make plans with her first is just silly.

**ADDED: Telling THE WEDDING PARTY is not the same as telling the BRIDE. And NO, these things are NOT supposed to be a suprise, nor are they usually a suprise. I'm not taking the bride's side for being rude, just pointing out that there could be another side to the story that you failed to consider. Perhaps you took her by suprise and it was a knee-jerk reaction. Perhaps she plays a major role in this kid's life or in the birthday party. Perhaps this has been planned for a while now. Maybe her relationship with that friend is not one that she wants to let down. Maybe she could have handled it better, but maybe you could have too.

Yes, there is a nice way to deal with things, like you said. But when you make a comment about "idiots" it shows that you are not taking your own advice and that you are not willing to consider any point of view that does not agree with yours.

Take a moment and consider what a mature, reasonable adult would do. And do that! Just because someone is rude to you, does not give you license to be rude in return. Lead by example.

Answer 10

I really don't understand why people are SHOCKED that you would plan a SURPRISE shower.I don't see how it could possibly be rude of YOU to spend your time and money to throw someone a party...? I would say about 80% of showers (baby/bridal) are planned by the family, and the bride/mom to be is tricked into going. She was absolutely rude in the way that she handled herself, and you shouldn't bend over backwards to accomodate her. If anything your brother should have given you the heads up when you told him the date, that they had plans for that birthday party. (If they knew about it prior to when you planned the shower)

I say, save yourself the money and the trouble, have everyone return the gifts and cancel it.