What should I do about what my mam said?

Question

This weekend my mam told me she has only 6 months left to live....she has cancer. She has lost a lot of weight and is really thin but she is an alcoholic. She said when she was drunk, but she has been to docs a lot n started bruising everywhere. Is a heavy smoker n drinker n admitted this 2 me when drunk - how do i approach this 1? any help would be appreciated. xx

Answer 1

Firstly I do sympathise I really do, but if there is "good news on here" I agree with Boy from bali. I to am sceptical, this doesn't mean I'm right by the way, but alcoholics are prone to outlandish claims. I'm a senior radiographer and unfortunately I see cancer patients nearly ever other day, however in my working life time I have never seen anyone get such a specific time frame. Maybe a radiologist would say "at worst 6-18 months", but not just a straight six. Yes smoking and heavy drinking are precursors for cancer, but you have left out other details, notably her age (which may account for the bruising). I'm not an alcoholic counsellor so I can only give you a medical interpretation. You must speak with your mother again, when sober, and speak to her GP. He will have any reports from radiologists, because she MUST have attended some form of medical imaging to be given such a diagnosis. If there is anything further I can help you with feel free to e-mail, once again my sympathies, speak to your mum again and her doctor. Good luck !!

Answer 2

Im wondering if the doctor-patient confidentiality rule would be part of this if it came to the point of child enquiring on parent??

I have a feeling that it would not be a barrier issue, and urge you to go and tell your GP that your Mum stated this news when she was under the influence of alchohol, and obviously now you are concerned. You could ask to speak with the Head of the Practice and ask if you can be given the information acceptance or denial.
Im sure when you tell them that you are asking so as you can find out if there's anything you can be doing to help; and if theres anything you should or should not be doing; or if theres any help they as professionals may be able to offer you as a family unit in the circumstances.

Alternatively the Macmillan Group of Nurses are excellent. If you could contact your local group of their department and tell them your Mum told you this news after having a lot to drink, Im sure they're in a position to be able to help you with at least working through whether this is true or not. Im saying it this way, because it wouldnt be the first case of a parent/relation stating they have something wrong for attention....I know that will be a hard pill to swallow, but it really does happen. There have been cases where people have even gone as far as to raise money for victims that have in the end admitted that they lied, and it was all to do with the fact that they, wrongly, felt neglected by family or partners... so I would say that your answers are the first thing you should be trying to determine.

Once you have your answers; I hope it was an attention cry, but if not the Macmillan Nurses are very good, there are many organisations out there to help and you also have all the local cancer care groups you can use. Once treatment starts there are also help groups based at most hospitals.

I wish you so much luck and help will be there if and when you need it, but I think the most iimportant thing to do is find the confirmation. Once that is done you will be in a stronger action mode to help your Mum; part of me thinks you may also believe that this is a cry for help/attention etc by the way that you're saying that she told you when she was under the influence. I feel you are almost willing one of us to have the guts to write back and say it, cos you are feeling it so strongly.... Well this is me... and I am saying it... OK. Now you have to go and get the confirmation; hopefully you wont need it, but if it turns out you do, you then have to get the help which is forthcoming ; and you also have to remember there's you.. you have to take care of you too.
Dont forget a lot of cancers are helped by different treatments....
I wish you GOOD LUCK

Answer 3

Oh dear, i have an alcoholic mother and I know how difficult these situations are - my mum has told me countless things whilst under the influence and many of them have not been true.

I am truly sorry if she has indeed got cancer - I knwo with my mum it would be really difficult, I have tried in the past to go to the doctor with her and she refuses to let me in the room, the doctor then has no alternative but to ask me to leave and as she cannot discuss things with me I come home none the wiser and more worried that things are more serious than she leads me to believe! Maybe a good idea is to ask her if you can attend her appointments with her, then you will at least know the prognosis. I can't really advice you what to do without knowing a bit of background about your mums alcoholism, but I hope everything turns out for the best - I know what an emotional wrench these things are. I hope things work out.

xx

Answer 4

You poor thing! I would suggest that you contact her doctor and see if he would be willing to give you any information about your mom. He may not be able to because of new medical privacy laws, but its worth a try. Try to catch mom before she has had a lot to drink and ask her again about the cancer. If your mom is an alcoholic, a heavy smoker and is losing a lot of weight, that is not going to help her in any cancer treatment that she may get. I would try to help her out as best you can and as much as she will allow and the you know that you did your best if she does die from the cancer. Basically, no regrets on your part.

Answer 5

My father was an alcoholic and used to lie about how he was ill when he was drunk are you sure she is not just winding you up to get attention? If you are sure then just say to her mum when you were drunk the other day/night you told me you had cancer is that true? The bruising could be due to her liver and system being abused by alcohol......it may be failing her. I am sorry you are going to end up being the one to pick the pieces up but no matter what happens you can live without the guilt of knowing you always did the caring thing.

Answer 6

Medicine arose out of the primal sympathy of man for man. As a physician I must deal with death as a fact of life. My goal is not that there should be no death but that there should be no unnecessary death. In addition the process of death should always be made as gentle as medically possible. As a humanist my heart goes out to you. From personal experience I share your grief. My wife - whom I truly adored - died in 1995 - and yet I still think of her often - of medical malpractice - a difficult circumstance for a physician to deal with. What helped me the most was reading several books by Elisabeth (with an 's' not a 'z') Kubler-Ross. Visit elisabethkublerross.com for such a list. These books may not only help yourself, but other relatives, friends, and even your beloved mam. May God bless you during this very difficult time.

Answer 7

Sweetie, I am so sorry to hear of your situation. The only suggestion really that anyone can offer is to pray for your mother. I lost my grandmother last August to almost the exact thing you just described. Unfortunately, once adults have been given that kind of news, they tend to lose hope and give up and not care what they do to themselves, so they continue to drink and smoke their life away. Many times talking to them does little good, as they feel "if I'm going to die anyway, what does it matter?" but all you can do is shower her with love and tell her how much you love her as much as you can. She may seem distant, but she really needs to hear those words, now more than ever. Pray and Pray Hard. Prayer works, when it is meant to be. If it is her time to go meet Jesus, then she will, but just remember the love you have for her, and know that she will always love you and be with you in spirit.

Answer 8

I am a recovering alcoholic sober 6 years, when I was still drinking I told my ex wife and my children I had 6 months left to live, why? because I was a very sick man mentally and full of self pity. and i was so very sad and confused.

when /if she is sober ask her then , alcoholics when sober are generally honest, certainly very true of alcoholics in recovery.
they say in A.A. there is no such thing as a hopeless case.
I sincerely hope she finds some peace in her life and finds recovery from alcoholism.

Answer 9

Sorry, but from what you`ve written I`m deeply sceptical, I`ve seen many people drunk who make outlandish claims. Ask what type of cancer she has, who`s treating her,when`s she next going to the doctors/hospital, what medication is she on.
This might seem harsh but you`d ask these questions anyway.
Good Luck

Answer 10

yea i had a similar problem with my dad(but, he wasn't a smoker & didn't wanna go to the doc, but when he did, they just gave him stuff that made his condition WORSE). and the NHS was/is cr@p so we had to travel abroad to get the actual diagnosis. But by the time we found out it was cancer is was too late for chemo/radio & he looked like a skeleton (he was over-weight before), so they had to put him in a hospice til he died.
Just be patient with your mum, if she shouts at you(it was a mistake i made when i shouted back at my dad, wen he shouted at me, it was just the pain he was going through), usually achoholics shout, but try to calm them down. don't show sadness - it reflects what they are going through(if they see sadness in other people, they don't hope for life anymore) & prepare yourself(i only half did, well i WAS only 14, so i didn't know how to react).

Hope it helps.