Good advice for non-religious family after miscarriage?

Question

There are many good people on here and I ask for their personal advice. My girlfriend suffered a miscarriage yesterday. This would have been our second child. What resources are available to help her deal with such a terrible loss? Later, when she is doing better, I'll probably need a bit of advice for myself as well. Please remember, this is very real suffering I'm talking about, for both of us. At the moment I'm trying to decide whether or not to let her know I have pictures of the baby from the 4-D sonogram.

Answer 1

I'm very sorry to hear of your loss, and my thoughts are with you. There's no real advice to offer, everyone grieves in their own way. She needs her time to mourn the baby, and this is personal and unique to each of us.

The best thing you can do is be supportive of her, and take care of yourself because you are also grieving, although at the moment you appear quite strong.

About the pics--don't keep them from her. They are the only ones she will ever see of her baby. She'll never forgive you if she finds out you have them and don't share them with her.

Answer 2

At this time, you need each other more than anything. Each will feel and process the loss in their own way. Allowing each other to grieve at their own pace will help the healing process in your relationship.

Both of you will need to reassure each other everyday that you are committed to getting threw this together. Losing a child is the most stressful situation that a couple can go threw - there is no greater challenge.

If your relationship is to survive there must be continued communication - while it is natural to want some alone time to process such a loss, that should not be construed as abandonment by their partner.

Answer 3

Whatever you do, do NOT say, "You/we can have more, you/we can try again" ... etc. Another dreaded remark is "Things always happen for a reason."

These comments do NOT alleviate the pain and I've known more than a few ladies who suffered miscarriages reveal that these remarks were what they dreaded hearing most.

There is truly nothing you can SAY that will make a woman who just lost a child feel better. You can be there for her, hug her, sit in silence and let her talk if she wants and tell her you love her. You can also ask her, "What can I do for you?" (Cook, clean, Run errands, etc.)

I know this doesn't sound helpful, but this is what I've learned from many women who have miscarried. I would not reval the pictures for some time ... until she feels MUCH better. One day the pics will be a treasure, but they would only be painful right now.

Answer 4

i am terribly sorry for your loss...and it is tremendous...one thing that may help, and it will help you both is to get a diary type book...smaller than a usual one and write different things you remember from the first time she told you she was pregnant...how wonderful it felt inside and how you felt about sharing your life with this little life...i would include the picture from the sonogram...and at the end...let her know how you still love her and how you feel about her...and the future you have together...make it a very positive book...but not to the point where it is fake...there may be somethings you write in there that hurt a bit...and it may hurt a bit for her...but it is part of the healing process...and for her to know how you feel is very important...usually women feel very alone at this time, even when you are right there with her...i will try to explain...you see she had this wonderful little life growing inside her and it is almost like a secret she has...even though you knew...the baby and her had their secrets...their feelings...and now that is gone...i guess if you just try to remember that...and that there is nothing you can do to make that hurt stop...but you can lessen it...which is extremely important...don't try to take the pain away...enough has been taken away...just be the man she loves...and it can be enough...

Answer 5

Unfortunately, I've been in your situation, and I really feel for both of you right now. Let her know about the sonogram within a few days. I wish I was lucky enough to have one of those. When she's ready to talk about it, she will. Just make sure to be there to listen. Talk to her about how you feel as well.

I will warn you that there will be people in your life who will probably say the wrong things, or won't know what to say at all. Try to be understanding of this, as they only mean well.

There are support groups (some on Yahoo) for families that have been through this. If you or your girlfriend are still extremely depressed after several weeks, I urge you to get help right away. I ended up having post-partum depression myself.

Answer 6

How about two of you stay together for a couple of days? - Away from everything else. Sounds like two of you are very supportive of each other. Sometimes, a company of someone close is all one needs.

I'd hold off on sharing the fact on the sonogram. Keep it to yourself for a month or so and decide jointly, what to do with it.

There are support groups for people with similar experiences. The doctor's office or the hospital can help you locate one. I'm not sure if couple's counseling is appropriate for the situation, so I'll just mention it, too, is available.

I'm sorry for your loss.

Answer 7

The only thing that will likely help you both heal is time. Right now allow yourselves to feel whatever it is that you feel: sadness at the loss, anger at the universe, physical pain, whatever. Just try not to take it out on each other. Each of you is suffering in different ways. And, although this is very personal for both of you, you are not alone because countless others have gone through similar situations. And, they, too have healed.

Answer 8

We had the same experience. I told my wife that what happened, happened for a reason; something went wrong through no fault of hers. It's a natural thing and probably better for both her and the baby.

Although she is religious, I did not bring God into it, I could have and made it easier for her, but explaining it the way I did, I allowed her to draw her own conclusions spiritually.

Comfort her, and yourself, wait a month or so and start trying again.

Answer 9

I am so sorry for your loss. My whole family suffered the loss of my mother's miscarriage of a girl baby a year ago. It helped us that we saw photos of the sonogram, named the baby and buried her. It was a way for us to honor the baby's too-short time on this earth.

Your OB/GYN's office will have numbers for support groups.

Answer 10

Don't pretend it didn't happen. Have a service, if you both want to. If only one of you wants to, then let the other one do what s/he wants. Hold her, and tell her you love her and that it is NOT her fault. She may think it is. Don't tell her that you can try again. She's not interested in what may be right now, but what never was. Just hold her.