What do you say to the survivors when someone has died?

Question

"Sorry" and "He's in a better place" don't do anything for me ... too overdone, too trite, and I can't see how saying that stuff is going to make anyone feel better. Is it better to just shut up and listen? I'd like to hear other peoples' experiences?

I'm not religious, and even if I was, I would never impose my beliefs on anyone else, so that "the lord works in mysterious ways" kind of stuff is out.

Answer 1

Be sincere, keep it simple, and don't feel like you need to say anything. "How are you doing?" and/or "I'm so sorry" is all you need to say - if that - and add a hug, or just sit down or stay with the person and let them grieve. Inviting them to remember the deceased is so good for them, even if it's uncomfortable for you. If you knew him or her, and you feel loss too, say so. One person told me that the thing she remembered most when her mom passed was the friend who came in while she was washing dishes. Her friend put her arms around her waist, and just held her. She started crying, turned around and her friend cried with her. She said it meant more to her than any words could have, and it's the one thing any friend did after her mom died that she remembered as being helpful.

You don't need words. You just need to be there with your friend. Saying things like "God needed her," or "He's in a better place" just make people angry with God. I think God grieves with us when someone we love dies. God doesn't kill people because He needs them. God is just there to greet them when they arrive. I think we should avoid saying stuff like that just to fill space when we don't know what else to say.

Answer 2

I lost my grandfather and I was sick of hearing "I'm Sorry". I kept thinking, "they didn't kill him". My grandfather was a great man. The only thing I wanted was for other people around me to know how great he was. I wanted a chance to talk. Listen to people. Ask them if they need anyone. If they need someone to run to the store or to the dry cleaners to clean a dress, then it is greatly appreciated. Ask the person if they need anything, even the very smallest things help alot. Always tell the person that you are there to listen. And be honest. Tell them that you don't know what to say to make it better because you know it hurts, but that you will always be there to listen and help if you can. That kind of stuff helped me more than the trite statements of "He's in a Better place".

Answer 3

I'm terribly sorry for your loss. Please let me know if I can do anything.

This is what I say because it's what I mean. The truth is, most saying to the grieving are trite and overdone, because there isn't much else to say. Sharing a rememebrance of the loved one... "Remember that time your dad took us out for pizza and ..." is appropriate, but if this is causing distress, stop immediatley.

Your job is to support the greiving. What you do is more important at this time then what you say. Being there, being helpful and being a good shoulder to cry on is more valueable then anything you might say.

Maybe the best thing to say is "i'm here."

Answer 4

i liked when people would tell me "sorry". or that they were sorry for my loss. I liked that they were able to acknowledge my pain. There are no words that made the pain less or the loss easier to bear. But having people bring up the death by saying the few simple words gave me a moment to grieve and let my own feelings out. I especially found comfort if those words were followed by a hug or simply listening to me.

Answer 5

I usually simply say that I'm sorry for their loss, and (if I knew the person well enough for it to be true), that I'll miss him/her. Sometimes if you have a nice story about something that the deceased individual did for you, it's good to relate if you can be BRIEF. However, the family may need to talk to someone, and if that's the case, sitting and listening is a very good and helpful thing to do.

Answer 6

If I don't know what to say, that's exactly how I start.
"I don't know what to say. If there's anything I can do, please let me know."

I stopped saying "I'm sorry for your loss" when I realized I may not know how the person grieving feels. I'm not callous. My father, a terribly abusive person, died. Every time someone said "I'm sorry for your loss" I felt guilty because I didn't feel I had lost as much as I'd gained. I don't think it is a bad thing to say, just thought I'd add a different perspective.

Answer 7

i've been in that situation recently where i was the survivor i won't go into details , but i found it good to talk to people, , especially close family and friends , i found it hard going back to work after because people were staring at me and didn't know what to say , i didn't like that because it was like that person never existed, all i can say is be sympathetic and choose the right moment, they will appreciate whatever you say and the longer you leave it the worst it will be , maybe you can write your thoughts in a nice card and say i'm here if you need to talk to someone ,

Answer 8

Give the family your sincerest condolences never say "I Know what you are going through" when you really have no clue. Just let them know that you are there for them, and if they need someone to talk to day or night just be there to listen. Listening is really what the person needs, because they are griefing, don't tell stories about how your loved ones died, its not about you JUST LISTEN :)

Answer 9

Some times a hug a kiss on the cheek, anything that resembles love for the person. And wait the words will come in due time.

Answer 10

I say "I am sorry for your loss" and if I am very close to the person I ask that they call me if they need anything or need to talk.