Help - Husband in Iraq and my friend doesnt understand!!!?

Question

Ok, i have a bit of a dilemna. I recently got married and am moving overseas soon and my husband is in iraq. I dont often go out on weekends because i talk to my husband on the phone. And when i do go out I only go out for an hour or so. Anyway my best friend is single, and doesnt seem to understand my situation. SHe sent me an email saying :

"i only see you now every two or three weeks and its only ever for like an hour or so. i get annoyed that he wont let you spend some time with me - and then he blackmails you with saying stuff that he knows will upset you so you don't go out.
...we were like joined at the hip at one stage and i know our situations have both changed and i accept that i just feel like there is no point us even seeing each other now cause your always checking your watch and i know deep down you don't want to be there anyway."

My husband DOES let me go out. I dont go out cos i want to be there for him as much as possible. She doesnt understand. What should i do??

Answer 1

I was in your friend's situation once. I had a best friend that got into a relationship, got married and moved about 45 minutes away. I would always get pissed off because she hardly ever talked to me and never hung out anymore. I eventually realized that the way I was being was wrong. She needs to realize that you have a husband now and needs to respect that. People mature, grow apart and change. If she doesn't come to terms with it eventually, then maybe she really isn't worth keeping as a friend.

Answer 2

Someone that is not in that life will not understand. Their are people that are for ever in your life and then their are the people that will leave sometime not because you're not a good friend it's because your lives have change and with that you most find new friends that know your pain and worries. And to ask a friend that doesn't have a man will not look at much the same way you do. Two if this person has been your friend for so long then she should be your friend and be their for you and help you through this not make it harder. You have to ask yourself is this person good for me and my marriage and if you think to yourself no then you will know what to do

Answer 3

You need to invite your friend over and tell her how you are feeling. I don't know you and yet I know you must be stressed and worried sick about him. Add that to the fact that you will be moving to new country shortly and its easy to see why you don't want to party. You need to let your friend know that this is a time when you need her to support you and be a friend to you. She needs to understand that you cannot settle, that you want to be at home in case your husband gets the opportunity to call. You need her to help you adjust to the major changes ahead of you and help you cope with the fact that your husband is in a dangerous place right now. She can do this in your home over a bottle of wine, you don't have to be out about town to have a good time.
That said, he is in the military (I presume) and so you do have to learn how to get the balance right in your life when he is away or you will go nuts.
I am guessing here but I imagine that you do not live in military quarters yet, I am hoping that when you move you will be. Rest assured that when you move, you will make friends who understand what you are going through and how you are feeling because you will all be in the same situation.
I hope you can salvage the friendship, your friend seems to be rather self absorbed to me.

Answer 4

Just let her know that this doesn't have anything to do with not wanting to be around her, but with missing and worrying about your husband. She needs to understand that you can't talk to him just whenever you want to like you can her. After all, you are separated from your almost newlywed husband, and he's thousands of miles away from you. What does she expect? Sounds like she's a little selfish. She's just going to have to deal with it. I respect you for hanging in there and being there for him. He needs you far more than your friend does right now. The best of luck to you and your husband.

Answer 5

Send her a note back that says "I'm sorry you do not understand where I am at in my relationship, and I apologize if I gave you the idea that my husband totally controls me - this is not the case, but if you need to believe that, O.K. If the situation were in reverse, and you were married to a man overseas, I would not assume the worst of you. I'm sorry this is your choice - good luck and good by." Of course this is just an idea, but it seems your friend is jealous, which is silly and a bit selfish - she cannot relate to your situation and is assuming way too much.

Answer 6

First of you should never be refer or be in a marriage where your husband lets you go out? That was a mistake right, thats not what you meant to say right? Also its hard as a married women to have single friends, the love is there but the similarities and common interest and priorities have changed. Your friend doesnt understand what it is to be married and in love. Your loyalty and priority is to your spouse. She needs other friends and you do to, she counts on you alot, which means you are a good friend but maybe you arent explaining yourself clearly which seems you arent by your writing. Dont mention your hubby as letting you go out, plus your hubby cant always be sure when he'll be able to call but you can set maybe an estimate time or day so you can talk to hubby and still hang out with friend Im a Marine in Afghanistan, we work 7 days a week so he can call on different days and times not always the weekend. Also for your marriage sake, make sure you make it clear you love her shes your friend you'll always hear her out but you are married and you just cant be hanging out all the time or when you hubby comes home, you have to build your marriage etc. Right now your hubby is in Iraq , if she cant say nothing positive or be considerate she neesd to stay quiet, my hubby did two tours in Iraq and now im out here, when hes deployed or im deployed we email and try and schedule our callings but we surround ourselves with considerate and positive friends. Also what does she mean by he blackmails you? thats a concern, nip that in the bud now, but when i call home if my hubby isnt home or the kids, i feel bad, i wish they were there waiting for my call but im happy they are up and out and about they cant focus and shouldnt be focused on negative things happening to me and i never guilt trip my hubby but i have complained if a week goes by and we havent spoken because i miss him and need to be comforted by him, but again i dont guilt trip him, thats an unhealthy trait to have for a relationship. Your friend also says "we were like joined at the hip........." Shes needy a bit, and she hasnt come to deal or understand or even clearly accept that you are a married woman. She hasnt come to terms with it,sort of creepy, start inviting other girls out and she needs more friends, as we get older its inevitable to grow apart or things to change but she needs to accept that you are her friend but a wife now too with priorities and a real friend would be happy for you and give you some space...

Answer 7

ok you asked for our opinion and heres mine.when you and your husband took your wedding vows you promised to forsake all others in reality your spouse should be our best friend and well i can tell you in all honesty anyone of my friends who bad mouthed my wife would not be in my life.if you want your marriage to last then you have to put your spouse first and concidering the fact that you are seperated for long periods of time them you have to work at it that much harder.and please remember this your husband is in a war zone the last thing he needs is to be worried about what your doing while he is away you say you don't go because you don't want to then you need to make your girlfriend understand this.it may just be time for you and your girlfriend to go your seperate ways if she can not respect the fact that you are married and don't feel right about acting like you are single.when you use the term going out i assume that you mean to bars and clubs right things happen in these places things that you may not mean to happen but once they have happend you can't go back and change them if you don't but yourself in the situation you don't have worry about having regrets explain this to your friend and if she is a true friend she will understand and if she doesn't let her go she isn't.

Answer 8

for some reason your language to your friend implied that your using your husband as an excuse.

You need to clear the air in a face to face chat with your friend.

IF she is truely your friend she will understand. and if not it's better to know now then before she causes a rift in your marriage.

PS have you ever invited her over to your home? have fun chat it up, and still be available for your husband =)

Answer 9

it is normal for friends to be jealous at one time specially if they are used to being with you most of the time and all of a sudden, it changes.. you cant blame her for thinking that way about your husband coz she feels like he is taking you away from her; she feels neglected and unimportant. it always feels bad when you are with someone whom you wanna spend time with and have fun and that person cannot take her eyes off her watch to check out the time. it feels like you dont wanna be with her...

you need to balance everything. i know that you wanna give time for your husband who is far and needs your comfort specially being in iraq. being a wife you need to be there as much as possible for him. but also, remember that you still have friends that also needs your attention every once in a while..make them feel important to you...

if you can only give her one hour of your time every weekend. then fine.. she will understand that. expalin to her that spending less time with her does not mean that she is less important. and in that one hour. make her feel special. one .. by not looking in your watch and just focus on her...

if she is really your bestfriend. for sure she will understand you. but you also need to understand her....

hope you two will fix this thing up..

Answer 10

it sucks. my situation is a little different but yet the same. noone is over seas but my friends text me with the same, you never come out ne more etc. i recently bought a house and have been staying home more bc of the extra costs with closing and the down payment. they dont understand my proorities and that i would rather be home with my girl than out drinking. im more family they are more party, it may be us going our seperate ways. i told them why but they dont just get it. plus i got a new job working shift work so i work nights sometimes and they are out without me and they are getting rather pissy about it. you cant make everyone happy, you just gotta find your priorities.