one more poem help me improve?

Question

pre-note: i am not looking for it was good. i want helpful tips to help me improve as a writer. i want tips that will help me grow as a poet. thanks

how many times,
how many times,
have i watched you dissapear?


how many times,
how many times,
have i tasted the bitter taste of death?


how many times,
how many times,
have i smelled the deep stench of greif?

how many times,
how many times,
have i heard the sorrowful- breathy cry of- "it's o.k."?


how many times,
how many times,
have i felt the cold take hold of my soul?


how many times,
how many times,
have i awoke in a cold sweat-
only to cry myself to sleep again?


Your life was short,
Your dreams short lived,
But i will not foreget.
You my sister, are my life,
My world,
And my light

Answer 1

If this poem is not from you're heart then you are really good at making it sound like it is. The repetition in the beginning shows how these feeling have come over you not in waves but in constant streams. I actually got a little sad toward the end. I was moved. This is the first one of yours that I have had the pleasure to read but I hope that all the ones that follow this one are just as moving.

Answer 2

so you do not want to know that it is good, OK . so the only suggestion I have is for you to rewrite it. begin with

"How many times?" and only insert the phrase again before the line that includes " sorrowful breathy cry" Just after the second last last stanza insert "How many times?". and leave the rest
of the repetitions out. Try something like that.

Repetition is an excellent device but a good rule is to keep it to three for impact. Any more is usually redundant. You also might think about allowing the poem to stream rather than breaking it up. I know grief comes to us in chunks but usually it comes in incredible whole chunks rather than little bits. Anyway try it.
Then run the poem through spell check. Reading poetry aloud will give you a sense of rhythm and cadence. OK? good! hope it helps.

Answer 3

That's really beatiful! Emotions translated to art perfectly. No, not perfectly...but it's darned close! Like people said, the "how many times" is a bit overwhelming. After the first few repititions, I start skipping them, because I know what's coming. I suggest getting rid of them altogether, since keeping them is a bit hard. What you've written is a bit abstract, which is always good in poetry, but try to ground them in something real and unique to you, an experience. No matter what, the ideas behind it are really powerful. This just may be the best poem I've ever read on Yahoo Answers!

Answer 4

The repetition of 'how many times' is good and draws attention.

I think the last line in each stanza are also good, but could be much better. A little more description of your emotions and feelings could help. Example- tell more of the agony as you watch her disappear, tell how the 'stench of grief' gripped you, ect.

The last 6 lines are very powerfull and tell the story of the poem well.

One my favorite professors used to tell us, "Use something orginal, a thought or an image that you made up."

Hope this helps

Answer 5

Always check your spelling. Poetry is something that comes from the heart and soul. There is no set way to be a great poet. Poetry comes in all forms. It is from your heart you will write and it will go to others hearts who read. A great poet is someone who connects their words, feeling and emotions to anyone who may read. Everyone likes different kinds of poetry...be what you are. If it is meant to be as you grow your poetry will too. Life is like poetry always changing and evolving, always touching someones heart...good and bad...Sorry for your loss. And the poem was good. It touched me. Good luck.

Answer 6

you are good if its your 1st time
but you need to improve a lot my dear
i am not a professional poet
i write poems to let out emotions usually they remain in my private diary

I agree with ''PAT's'' suggetions follow them to the rule about the repitations.

moreover try to be more innovative.tht is the sentences after how many times (2) are very active they tell about actions performed by the person in the poem. the sentences shld be passive somethings which are imaginative scenes and examples to the grief. eg. dried of flowers or dried rivers some things like tht .
examples convey more than the actions since egs cannot be confined to words and they convey more than wht words can.

i hopew you understood wht i am trying to say...
Best Of Luck
GOD BLESS..

Answer 7

Best way to become a better writer is to be honest with yourself and write-write-write!

...and btw, I read your pre note but I have to mention that I liked the poem.

Answer 8

Your poem is okay for a starter, but u could do a whole lot better.
Go to http://www.poetry.com