I Need an Advice- about my parents help me.?

Question

ok, I'm 21 and yesterday my dad and I found out that my mom is cheating on my dad. I'm very MAD at her. I fell so bad, because I never thought she would do something like that. I'm so angry at her. I dont even want to look at her.
help me what do I do? My mom said that since my dad had cheated on her three years ago she was doing the same thing to him. But my dad is very, very sad. :(

thanks for any advice.

again- thank-you very much for all the advice that you guys are giving me. It helps.

yes, I felt bad when my father cheated on my mom, but I never said that he was so in love that he was planing to leave us (my mom and sister) and my mom did say that.

Answer 1

When will people learn that two wrongs never make things right. I am sorry that you and your dad discovered that your mom is having an affair. Apparently your mom is using your dad's past affair to justify her actions, however, it doesn't. Now comes the tough part. Your parents are going to both have to sit down and re-evaluate their relationship. The good news is that their marriage can be saved but only if they choose to invite Christ into their life and into their marriage. Unfortunately, as men and women, we are selfish by nature. Most of us take the "my way or the high way" approach to life rather than compromise. Not meaning to sound like a bible thumper but the fact of the matter is that it takes something of a spiritual nature to enable us to put aside our selfish human nature. I will pray for healing for you and your family. Hopefully all will go well. This is the Caveman signing out. Peace and God bless.

Answer 2

I'm probably about your mom's age, and have a son almost your age. Even though nothing like what you're going through has ever happened with us, I can tell you that the best advice I can give you is to stay out of it. I kid you not.

This cheating back and forth is something that's happening between your mom and your dad. Both of them were wrong. Your dad should have divorced your mom before going out and cheating. He didn't. Your mom should have divorced your dad after finding out about his cheating. She didn't. He did it again and again and then she did. Their marriage has been over a long time ago and they chose to stay together for all the wrong reasons.

You cannot fix this problem and you really have no right to be angry at her without also being angry at your dad. Neither of the two is better than the other. When one spouse cheats on another, there is a deep betrayal of trust that happens and I dare say, most people cannot truly forgive, and certainly not forget. There is no doubt in my mind that your mom might have been able to deal with your dad cheating once, but three times will put anyone over the edge. Hopefully you will never find out for yourself what that's like.

If they have any sense at all, they'll get divorced, but that is their decision. You are their child and while you have every right to be angry, you should keep your feelings to yourself or discuss them with one of your friends. Do not let your Dad or your Mom sucker you into taking sides. That would just add to the list of "wrongs" that have occured in your family.

If you take sides, you'll stand a good chance of your relationship with the other parent deteriorating and in the long term, you don't want that. For all the wrongs they did to each other, they are still your parents and presumably they have both taken good care of you. Don't alienate one or the other by getting involved.

Answer 3

This situation is between your two PARENTS.... all you can do is give BOTH all the love and support that you can.... I AGREE that what your mother did was WRONG---revenge or PAY BACK is NOT something that fits into a marriage.... If she FORGAVE YOUR FATHER ---and she obviously did because she STAYED with him, then she should NOT have had an affair of her OWN.... I can't say that your parents will stay together---it sure seems to me that the trust is BROKEN.... if they don't seek some ADULT COUNSELING, they are probably headed for divorce... ANYTHING they decide is NONE of your business however.... you are 21 and should be out on your own by now--do NOT get involved in this, do NOT take sides and do NOT hate your mom because no matter what she has DONE, she is and always WILL BE your MOTHER....What she DID was wrong, the reasons she DID it was wrong, but I can certainly understand WHY she did it.... now it's up to your mom and DAD to either fix it or end it..

Answer 4

Not a whole lot you can do except to learn from this. Meaning how adults can do to each other. You are only 21 and will have plenty of opportunities in your life time to be either the cheater or victim. There are all kinds of justifications and good/bad stories. At the end of the day, what are your moral values.

Obviously, people learn most of their values from their parents. Your parents might have taught you to be honest and faithful and all that but they themselves can't hold up to those values. Will you be able to? Many use their parents' behaviors to justify why they do the same thing. Many don't. So the question is no longer about them, it is about you coming out of this.

I have always said that blood is thicker than water. You should not cut off relationships with your parents. Is the glass full? Definitely not. Is the glass empty? Not true either. I am afraid you have to view your parents as glass almost full.

Answer 5

I've gone through this with my daughters one being 21 yrs old and the other 23 yrs old...both handled it much differently then the other , to no suprise since their character is very different from each others...the 23 yr old was mad and voice her opinion directly to her mother but the other was saddened and cried alot..This eventually lead to their mother and I divorcing , oddly enough the mad one stayed and to this day lives under the same roof as her mother, I think still some what vendictive of her mothers behavior, the other moved out pretty much the same time I did, thats been 5-6 yrs ago...she never to return home to live but visits her mom as if she passed no judgement on her...I find that to be the best policy since mom is mom, she isn't perfect, no one is, we are all still family and we must have respect amongst ourselves and respect that fact. If one thing should be learned from this, as their child, remember how this has made you feel and not allow your children to go through the same as you are..blessings.

Answer 6

Ooohh how awful for you all. The realisation that your parents are still sexually active even with each other is enough to make you avoid their gaze !! To think of your Mum with someone other than your Dad is awful.
Best thing you can do is tell them together that you don't agree with either of their behaviours however, it is their relationship and between them and you will not get involved because you love them both equally.
You could tell your Dad how much he hurt your Mum with his affair and tell your Mum that she is wrong to put the blame for her behaviour on your Dad. Tell her she raised you to know that two wrongs do not make a right.
Tell them you love them and hope they will work it out and that you can be a stronger family for it.
With regard to your Mum, if she did this to get back at your Dad then she has clearly been in pain for several years now but she is his wife and your Mother. She is the one who carried and nursed you and cared for you even when she has been in such pain. Your Mum and Dad will always be there for you when you mess up (and you will!!) so tell them while you will not get involved in slating one against the other you will always be there for them.

Answer 7

Stay out of it. Simply said, it's their business. You could have lost your dad years ago because of what HE did, but she forgave him and gave him another chance for who knows why. But it's their business. Whether she planned this to get back at him or not, we can file this under "Karma". Don't be upset with your mother. When you were scolded by one, I'm sure you were allowed to run to the other. In this case your mother doesn't need the both of you on her a s s. You need to be there for her and allow her some room. This is your dad's problem, not yours.

Answer 8

i think you have every right to be upset with your mother...i wonder, though, if you were this upset at your father 3 years ago.
i think that maybe if you told your mother that 2 wrongs don't make a right, maybe she would see that you have a point.
i think that before you judge anything or say anything that you should try to see things the way they really are...no one waits 3 years to 'get even'...i think that there is a lot more going on there than you are aware of...
sit them down and talk with them (BOTH your parents) ask just what is going on...you may be surprised at the answers you will get

Answer 9

you might not like her at this moment, but you should still love her because she is your mother. without her you would not be here. she, I'm sure, was hurting when she found out that your dad cheated on her.
(side question), how did you feel about your dad when he cheated on your mom?

Answer 10

Obviously there's nothing that you can or should do. It is something that they must work out, if they so choose. How do/did you feel about your dad cheating? Just curious. The digust should be equal. Perhaps they really do belong with each other.