he cheated, he is in jail getting out soon, he was violent , he lied, he had a horrible addiction. he swears losing me and his freedom has changed him. he swears he will not go back to using bgecause he sees how much it affected everyone around him. i have stood by his side for a long while. i am scared i may go through this all over again.
2007-06-13 13:11:02 · 17 answers · asked by DAWNNAMARIA 1 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
Some people do change, but jail isn't what changed them. The American jail system has an extremely high rate of recidivism, or ex-cons continuing to commit crimes(often the same ones, or even worse ones that they learn to commit from other inmates). So, while it's possible that he has truly changed, it would only be because of a truly awakening experience, and also a great deal of hard work on his part--change of any kind is very difficult for people, and transformative change is even more so, and therefore even more rare.
It is impossible for anyone other than you to know whether or not to believe him(at least, definitely impossible for someone on the internet, but a very close friend who knows the situation better might be able to give good advice). But he sounds like he was awful beyond all reason to you--you don't have an obligation to take him back if you are afraid he will do the same things to you that he did before.
If you do decide to let him into your life again, you have to always be on the lookout for behavior that even starts to resemble past behavior. Anytime that two people have a relationship, they develop what are called 'feedback cycles,' where one person's behavior feeds into the other person's, and the two end up in a kind of scenario that plays over and over again, like a broken record. When one of the people is violent and the other is passive or somehow acts as a catalyst for it, this is sometimes called enabling behavior--but this is not a judgmental term, and it doesn't mean that it is the victim's fault. Violence is never the victim's fault.
It can be very difficult to break that kind of cycle, and it requires immense effort on both sides. If you ever have any doubts that he is willing to make that effort, or that he will fail at stopping his behavior, you have to tell him to leave immediately--don't stand for any of it. If he persists, the best thing you can do for him would be to really make him lose you. As long as you stay in an abusive relationship, that just signals to him that it is OK, and he may never learn to stop.
Remember--you absolutely have to take your own well-being as foremost in your mind.
2007-06-13 13:25:30 · answer #1 · answered by Adam M 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I agree with bronzebabe. I hate to say it, your worst fears will be realized if you let him back in your life or worse especially if he is jealous. I wouldn't want to be another statistic. Actually, look up the data on the number of people who have gone to jail and have been reformed. I'm thinking very few as the majority offend again. Isn't that why we keep track of sex offenders? From the way you wrote your question, it sounds like there is cause for concern and rightly so.
2007-06-13 13:16:52 · answer #2 · answered by piscesvision 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
He may change but its highly unlikely that just going to jail has changed him. People need more than prison to change behavior like this. He has anger problems too from what you write, don't let him kid you that all of his behavior was due to drugs. He was the one who cheated and beat you up, not the drugs. I hope he doesn't go back to using for his sake, as for you....I hope you take this opportunity to take up new interests, make strong friendships and embark on a new life.
2007-06-13 13:21:39 · answer #3 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
If you feel that scare, then its a no brainer! don't beat yourself up over it, just tell him its over and for him to move on. And for you to be strong (mental) and don't give in to none of this crap he is talking about. If you let him back into your life and it happen all over again. Blame only yourself and not him even if he had swear to you that he is a change man.
2007-06-13 13:20:12 · answer #4 · answered by Thomas 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Well, Dog the Bounty Hunter seem to have changed, but in most situations, once you are on that road, it only leads to ruin.
It's up to you, I mean, if you have the energy and optimism, and love for this person, go ahead and try.
If I were in this situation, I don't think I will waste anymore time in this relationship.
2007-06-13 13:16:08 · answer #5 · answered by artist-oranit.com. 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
What did he do to get rid of his violent temper and his addiction? He got a therapy? Otherwise it`s lost ahead of time, he`s just looking for someone to take him in when he'll get out.
2007-06-13 13:16:13 · answer #6 · answered by Jane Marple 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I hope that he has 'seen the light'. I really hope. I guess there are no guarantees...you just have to trust him and pray that he stays on the right track. You know in your heart whether he is a good person or not. Listen to your heart and let it guide you.
2007-06-13 13:45:39 · answer #7 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
jeez, I heard that song sung before- I don't believe change until its proven over a expand of time and then still be very careful.
I think if this behavior is on going and has been for most of this persons life, NO he wont change.
2007-06-13 13:39:29 · answer #8 · answered by flyingdove 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Trust him but keep a safe distance. Don't rush things if you do.
Was your relationship good before jail? Are you happy to be with him?
2007-06-13 13:14:11 · answer #9 · answered by Nextbestthing 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
"does a person really change and realize their mistakes after going to jail?"
Ask Charles Manson.
2007-06-13 13:33:23 · answer #10 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋