how can i help her??

Question

my fiancee had a miscarriage a couple of months ago and is finding it hard to deal with .When we first got togther she had an abortion as we were not ready and still students .Although the doctor has ensured her the abortion has not had any effect and the miscarriage was just one of those things ,she blames herself and is very depressed and i dont know how to help her ?????????????//
i would appreciate if people will only give an answer if they have something useful to say .Pls do not answer if u have problems about abortion

Answer 1

I also blamed myself for my miscarriages for a long time - years, in fact. I think that it is natural for women to think that somehow, if they had done something different that everything would have been ok. Only time will heal that emotional wound for her...a couple of months is not enough for a lot of women. Unfortunately, no matter what you or her doctor tells her about this not being her fault, she probably won't listen - she needs to grieve before she can listen to reason. I know, I've been there. I think that the best thing you can do is to be supportive of her. Be emotionally available to her. Do nice things for her - plan a quiet meal, rub her feet, things that are relaxing. LISTEN to her when she shares her feelings with you - never dismiss or belittle her feelings no matter how irrational they may seem to you. Let her know that you love her. Don't push her to "get over it" or encourage her to forget about it - let her grieve at her own pace. You are going to have to have a lot of patience for a while...she will come around again, I promise. I'm sorry for her loss and for yours. Best of luck.

Answer 2

Hey:) Wow - this sounds like a really devestating situation! I am so sorry to hear about it - I just had a baby and know that the hormones in your body go crazy when you're pregnant and now your fiancee's hormones are still a little out of whack now that the pregnancy is over.

Although the doctor said that the abortion didn't cause this miscarriage (which may be true) she may be dealing with the very real emotional consequences of the abortion now that she lost a baby that you were both excited about having, ya know? A miscarriage is devestating in itself and then the emotional consequences of the abortion - that is A LOT!!

I think the best thing for you to do is to be there for her, no matter what, and to listen. Don't try to change her mind about the way that she is feeling.

Also, to deal with all the crazy emotions, maybe try getting her this book http://www.amazon.com/Her-Choice-Heal-Spiritual-Emotional/dp/1564767345/ref=pd_bxgy_b_text_b/002-4797706-9794427.

You're dealing with some heavy-duty stuff!! Just have hope and keep looking for healing answers!! She needs you more than ever! Post-abortion trauma is a very real thing, and so is the grief that comes after a miscarriage!

Answer 3

Give her your support, which is very important. No, the abortion DID NOT cause the miscarriage. Usually a miscarriage is the way that tells you something is wrong with either the pregnancy itself or the baby. She did nothing wrong and she needs to be reassured of that. Maybe a mild antidepressant (which helped me when I miscarried as well as support). Is there anyone she can talk to that can relate to her situation other than yoursef, maybe a close girlfriend. Talking through the loss is helpful. It will take time, but I promise, she will be better. Don't push her into having another either right away. Men seem to think that is the answer ... get pregnant again. She needs to mourn not only the fetus or infant (which ever she belileves) and the loss of the pregnancy itself.

I hope that this can help. I know how hard it is, trust me, I've been there, but she will get over the loss. It is as if she had lost a living family member or you. So please don't push her and don't leave her either.

Bless you both and I am sorry for your loss.

Answer 4

I've had a miscarriage and someone I know had an abortion and then suffered a miscarriage. It's so easy to judge. And it's also easy for the doctor to say "Oh, it just happened" and send you on your way. You need to talk to her, don't force her though. If she wants to just cry let her, hold her while she's crying. This is a difficult time for any woman. Add that extra hurt she has and it's very hard. Just hold her, reassure her that it's not her fault. It isn't. It's hard and it's tough. But it will pass even though it doesn't feel that way now.

Just hold her. Sometimes you can say so much just by being there without ever opening your mouth. Just be loving to her. Good luck. I know this must be very hard for you both.

Answer 5

I feel both og oyur pain...I had a miscarriage when I was 17, and it was VERY depressing.
My advice is to just love each other unconditionally, and don't blame anyone...the reason a miscarriage happens is because the body realizes there is a problem with the baby and rejects the pregnancy.
I realize it's very hard to deal with the emotional as well as physical feelings both of you are having right now, but whatever you do just love eachother, and don't let it eat away at your relationship.
You both sound very strong..hang in there and God will bless you with a baby when the time is right.

Answer 6

It's very sad. If she prays I'll suggest she talks to her pastor or priest and also go to counseling. It helps a lot. But one thing that you can do is to be there for her 24/7. Tell her that it just wasn't the right time and even if she doesn't believe you it feels good to hear it. And also try the site dailystrengh.org it's an online support group for people dealing with miscarriages post trauma. Take care.

Answer 7

We lost our baby at 4 months 2 years ago and I did nothing but blame myself for every little thing I did or didn't do prior to being pregnant. As long as you are there for her and comfort her there isn't much else you can do to help. There are books that you can buy her, but honestly I'm not a reader and they didn't interest me at the time, but maybe she is different. If that was a planned pregnancy and you are wanting to try again...just assure her that you can't wait until she gets pregnant again. Have her look forward to the future and that there is still hope. If she is on one of those forums (kinda like Yahoo! Answers, but is for pregnant women only) make she she stops logging onto it. Even though I lost the baby I was still interested in knowing how the other girls were doing and I kind of lived through them, but found that it was tearing me apart inside. Anyway...I wish you the best of luck in the future.

Answer 8

abortion is a good choice in many cases and certainly sounds like it was in hers. miscarriage is a horrible thing to experience no matter what, and she'd probably blame herself whether she'd had an abortion or not, truthfully. it really is so common, it's sad people don't talk about their own miscarriages more because the rest of us would benefit from knowing just how many people have experienced them and gone on to have perfectly healthy babies. i'm one of them. give her time - maybe a lot of time - it took me a year to even want to try again, but the first we did i got pregnant. good luck.

Answer 9

Miscarriages wasn't her fault. How many months was she because you make it sound like it was late into the pregnancy and she was already attached. Let her know that can't be the last baby she could make. It may sound a little mean but the realty is that it is over. She needs to move on, maybe try for another one. Also, just give it time and a lot of support. Time is the best healer....hurts the most too I think.

Answer 10

Even though I do have problems with people having abortions, thats okay. It's already done. But if you do it again, need I remind you that you are killing a human being. Who has a body, a spirit, and a perpose in life. Remember that is a sin for you have murdered. Sorry but I had to preach to you a little. Anyway, take her out to dinner or something. My dance teachers baby was a premature baby and he also died. Just give it time to heal. Tell her to take a break for the outside world and to just relax until she feels better. That what my dance teacher did. She is now back teaching us coreography. Take her to a spa. Get her hair, nails, masages, dinner............. shall I go on? You get the picture right? ohh and don't forget to buy her jewelry or something. a womans best friend. Basically, thing like a girl.