Why do i put up the all the crap when will i learn, please help?

Question

I have been married 15 yrs & have 2 kids. Over the yrs my husband has not held a job for more than 2 yrs. it's always someone elses fault for the failure, never him. The last 5 yrs have been a financial fiasco now we have a looming foreclosure, 2nd one i might add. I am now working and i love my new job, but i don't make a lot and i'm an emotional wreck. i don't even think i like him anymore and our kids haved picked up on it. i have mentioned counseling but he won't go. i've never been on my own and it's scary, but it can't be worse than this.

Answer 1

Only you can answer that question, you married him. Obviously at some point you thought he would be a good husband, a good provider and a good father.

Answer 2

Yes, it can be worse than this. I guarantee it.

You are having financial strains, like every couple does at some point. It is not worth ending your marriage over. This is part of the "worse" in the vows you took. If you think you have money problems now, add in the cost of the divorce, the attorney fees, finding a new place, etc.

You have been married for 15 years; that's a long time. Chances are you don't "like" him because you're too stressed out over money. I would suggest you go to counseling on your own

Does he have a job now? Sit down with him and talk to him frankly about how dire your situation is. Tell him to man up and get to work... he has a family to support.

Good luck.

Answer 3

I have a friend who has been a single mom now for 2 years, and she is what I would call a hero to single moms. She has done whatever it takes to get by, even if it means working 2 jobs at once. She has kept a roof over their heads, food in their bellies, and she has nice clothes on their backs. If you feel that things are lost to all hope of recovery, then maybe separation is the answer. You can do this. You are a strong person, and you will do what it takes for your children. If you are not sure make the suggestions for counseling and such again, and then decide. Good luck, and best wishes.

Answer 4

You are absolutely right, being alone is scary, but not worse than what you are going through. There is another thing too, you have to ask yourself if having your kids kicked out of one house after another and by showing them that women are supposed to take anything a feckless man hands out, are you setting them up to repeat your mistakes?
My ex was the same way (did you marry him?) 57 jobs in 12 years and it was never his fault. I had a job that didn't make much and two kids.... I did a careful budget and realized that I was only forty dollars a week short of independence from him. I asked for a raise, got it, and kicked him to the curb and never looked back. Needless to say, I never saw much in the way of child support, I didn't expect it either. But my kids grew up to know hard work pays off and going to school and making good grades was important. Most of all, I met a wonderful man who adopted my kids and loves us all. And now he loves our grandkids too.
That was 29 years ago and reading your question made it like yesterday. Even if there is never another man in your life, at least you can hold your head up. And answer the phone without fear, and get the mail without worry.

Answer 5

When you say, "he always blames someone else" is he angry when he says it? Because of his track record I'm guessing he would almost just shrug it off like it doesn't matter. The same way he would be shrugging off marriage counselling. If he values what matters to you and if he values you as his wife he needs to do better, because not only is he failing the family as a provider but he's failing you as a partner. He needs to know how you feel and where you stand. You have to back up what you say rather then just making lofty threats. If he can't do better (and he should be able to) then he obviously doesn't care enough for you anymore and you may have to make some changes.

Answer 6

Your husband sounds like he may be depressed and has some issues going on, the fact that he refuses to attend counseling says to me that he doesn't feel that there is anything wrong. I think that since you have already devoted 15 years of your life to this man and that you should just throw in the towel. He is doing nothing but dragging you down finacially and emotionally. The thought of being alone is scary, and it takes a lot of guts to pack up and leave, but in reality, you already ARE on your own, just not physically. I think that weather you leave him or not, you should still attend counseling, it will help!! I hope that this helps, I have been there!

Answer 7

It is very commendable that you been married for 15 years. I understand your frustration because financial problems can reak havoc on even the healthiest marriages.

Its very hard to know what is "sound" advice/suggestions to give in this situation. One, because you have children who enjoy having both parents in the house. Kids want both their parents, not just one (especially if they're not being molested are physically abused by their parents). And two, 15 years is worth saving especially if there is no infidelity involved.

I know the real estate market is up and down, but if it the next move is losing the house, don't wait for that to happen. Try to sell it to at least get some return on your investment. Consider investing in some bonds or something so that you won't loose it. Get some advice from a financial planner or an accountant. If you have sale, stay positive, its only wood. You've proven that you two can resurface and buy again, if necessary.

I believe your marriage and family life is much more to fight for than to trade all that in because of financial woes. It's gonna take some real thought and prayer to figure out how to see your husband in an agreeable way. I wouldn't give up on him totally. Since he's not accepting responsibility for his actions, try approaching him differently. Compliment more on the things he is doing well and traits that you like or liked in him.

Gather your family and friends make sure you have a support system (not meaning everyone needs to know the details of your personal business). Get them to look after the kids (if they are not old enough to be at home alone) and spend some time alone with you're husband regularly (at least once a week) and do things that will build confidence in your relationship and his ability to be head of the house. For instance, taking walks and talking about other things that make you laugh. You need to be alone with him, start dating him again. Do cheap things alone together. Do something you both like. You have to start remembering the man he was and what you guys bring to your family, kids, friends and relatives.

You put up with the "crap" because it's worth it. We all put up with some crap. People at work are always dishing out the "crap." Even our closet friends and relatives give us "crap" and we give "crap".

I have gone through financial set back similar to yours, and be downright angry. Every marriage has its problems. Yours just happens to financial right now. Remember those words "For better or for worse."

Be committed to making things work, keep trying, keep praying, keep loving him and your kids. Look to 50yrs of marriage. It can happen!

Answer 8

My dear, the only difference between living completely by yourself and what you have now, is that in the event that you can't get the kids to the doctor's or whatever, you have a "safety net" to rely on.

You sound like a very strong person...I think that should you decide to move into a single-parent situation with your kids, you would do just fine. The biggest adjustment would be not having another adult in the household.

I wish you luck....I believe you can make it on your own - and I hope you figure out what you want (though it sounds to me like you KNOW already).

Answer 9

That's a tough one, marriage counseling for you might give you some info on what to do. Go by yourself, hopefully you can find a good councilor. You couldn't get a divorce by God's standards, adultery is the only reason accepted. Your marriage vows you took say for better or worse, for richer or poorer in sickness and in health. So I 'm not sure what you can do about your situation. You have enabled him to do this to you. Try a co dependent counseling program, that may help you to help your marriage.

Answer 10

When you finally get out you won't believe how good it feels to have your own place! Just knowing you only have YOU to answer to and make the decisions, it's wonderful! You'll wonder why you waited so long!! You'll feel free and you'll be free to do as you wish without anyone else dragging you down!! You can go out and stay out as long as you want without having to check in with someone. Yes it's scary, but so worth it when you get there! It feels great to be independent!! Don't you want to have your own place and know that you aren't going to loose it because of him? Don't you want to end up with someone that will help you reach goals instead of pulling you further away? Don't you want to teach your children something besides what they have been learning by watching you and your husband? Be strong, be independent and finally be HAPPY!!

Answer 11

It sounds as though your husband has some maturing to do. He's got issues that need to be addressed & unfortunately, his issues have made your home life unstable. It's only natural to feel as you do, where your husband is concerned, but try not to dwell on it, especially where your children are concerned, as they have already picked up on things. It's great that you are working now & helping out financially. Hang in there & hopefully, your marriage & finances will get back on track. Consider leaving your husband as a last resort. Remember, we marry for good times & bad!!!