Is it better "to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all"?

Question

Please speak from experience, rather than theory--or what I mean is theorize on your experience. Also, pure theory is more than welcome, as well; this IS the philosophy section.
I put my question here (as opposed to family and relationships, etc.), because I've grown accustomed to quality thinking here. And, of course, I really want to know your answers. Really....

Note: Tennyson was speaking of death. That's not the sense in which I'm asking, although, it's also valid, of course. I'm thinking about the loss, by rejection, of a lover, partner. But you answer as you're so inspired....

Answer 1

People who have not loved at all and there's no chance for them to love in the future, cannot give a meaningful and realistic answer to the question. They can only be theoretically philosophical, and you would get a speculative answer.

And those who have not loved yet, but are still young and dream of falling in love, cannot tell until they have tried - unless of course, they too would want to answer the question hypothetically.

On the other hand, those who have loved and were lucky as not to experience the agony of rejection cannot be objective in their analysis of a hypothetical situation where the loss of love is the main subject. They have not experienced it. So, whatever they say about it, will not be objectively satisfactory.

That leaves us with one category of people: those who have been through the love experience AND were rejected.

What would such people say? How would they attempt to find out which is better? They would compare the joy of love before the rejection, to the agony they underwent afterwards, and then ask themselves: Was the share of happiness we enjoyed when we first fell in love worth the suffering? Many would say: I wish I had not loved at all! Notice, "I wish" - which means they had not experienced the situation of ‘no love at all’, and therefore, cannot tell what their feelings would have been like if they hadn’t. So, this particular sort of feeling is a mere speculation to them, and therefore, they cannot give us a satisfactory answer to which is better.

What does that mean? It means your question cannot be answered accurately, objectively or factually from "experience". The only possible answer to such question is, and will always be, hypothetical, speculative and relative - even with experience.

We all know there's nothing in this life for free. Every thing is taxed. Every joy has to be paid for, more or less, in ‘hard’ currency called suffering. So is love. Yet, almost all of us are ready to pay the price – at least for the first time to satisfy our natural curiosity. Take for example the hangover in the morning - we may curse the minute we drank the night before, and may make promises not to do that again, and maybe we'll be earnest about it, but very few of us keep that promise, while those who do not keep that promise drink again because they are willing to pay the price; they think the joy of intoxication is worth the hangover. The ‘implied’ answer in this kind of thinking is: “It is better to have drunk and got the hangover than never to have drunk at all" And this logic; this reasoning, is subjective and relative and cannot be the basis for a general rule that can be solid enough to establish a general theory in this respect.

Similarly, those who love and get hurt, yet fall in love again, are willing to put up with the torture of the soul because to them, it is worth the joy of love. And here again, we touch upon individuality and situational decisions, and cannot generalize. We cannot establish a theory that says this is better or that - though we can think of equal reasons to justify or defy either.

To sum up, there's no clear cut answer to your question, because the situation is relative, and relative statements do not establish a rule or a theory that gives the same results every time we put it to experiment.

I hope, with this admittance that I cannot answer your question, I have answered it.

Answer 2

I think a lot of times it depends on how things have turned out for you after the loss that determines a persons opinion on this. If you love someone and lose them and then continually dwell on it then it can feel like it would have been better had you not loved at all. If you are able to move on with your life in a positive way and continue to have a fulfilling life than you might feel like you are at least glad you had that time when you did feel that way. Although if you broke off on terrible terms or were abused by the person then you may feel extremely glad that it was over. Each person is going to have a slightly different take on this.

For me personally, right after things ended with my first love I felt like the world had come to an end and that I wished I had never loved at all rather than to feel all that pain. However once I eventually moved on with someone else I was able to realize that it was for the best that things didn't work out with him. I would eventually have had the rose colored glasses fall from my eyes and been very unhappy. I now feel like I appreciate my current love a lot more and that I don't have rose colored glasses on with him.

I do know some people though who divorced after several years of marriage and they are just so sad and distraught. It is like their spouse died instead. They pine for them and are thoroughly miserable and cannot even seem to begin to date again.

So like i said each person has different experiences and feelings.

Answer 3

I hope this is what you are looking for in an answer... and I will speak of what i have experienced, there are only 1 man that i said 'i love you' to, it was the best relationship i have been in (treated me better than the rest- compliments, laughter, maturity...) but then once i moved in i saw the real side of him- he was a smoker (not cigarettes) and he tends to stay up til about 3-4am on the computer looking at women and having fun. he even went to the point that he was never satisfied with anyone. then started something that was new to me it's called 'emotional abuse' i have had the mental and physical abuse (got out of those very quickly) but what he did ran deeper- he made me think this is the best i could get, try to treat me like a slave and would get mad if i didnt do his bidding and if i didnt do it- he made me sleep on the floor... it got to the point where he literally brainwashed me into thinking that i couldnt go on without him, the very thought of leaving scared me- i didnt even tell anyone else about it. but one day i got up the courage and moved back home. and it was the best thing i EVER did! not only did i feel like i could breathe again- i wasnt scared anymore and i knew life would go on and get better for me. I have taken what he did to me and i will make sure it would never happen again. but i would not drag past relationships into present ones (they dont deserve it) but i now trust my instincts more and i am more respectful of myself (i became a better woman because of it) and you know what- i am here today happy as can be with a baby on the way with someone i truely love and he loves me back- the connection was strong and he knows what i have been through. But i do say it is better to have loved and lost then never to have loved at all. you learn more and you would (will) become a better person from it.

Answer 4

I think experiences vary and you are going to get a mixture of answers on this one. In my case, I've loved and I have lost, and I wouldn't be the person I am today if I hadn't taken the plunge. I would recommend though, for the feint hearted, to go in with a colder heart, it's a strange and delicate road. Love is a game, it's a gift, there's a strategy, a fine line and a bottom line. It has barriers, highs, lows, crushes and fixations.
Same as what is to love. Thyself, neighbors, family and friends. All important mind you, but without love they all become comically "acquaintances". The personification of love is what gets me. Love is blind, love is gentle, love is living. Rubbish I say, Love can be seen from Miles around, love can be painful and bitter and love can make people feel like dying. So To love and lost, it's a hard road but for it's twists and turns, the scenery can be nice....

Answer 5

I believe that everything happens for a reason. To have the privilege to experience love is wonderful. Being in love gives you the opportunity to share yourself Spiritually, Physically,Emotionally and Mentally to another person. It is a rollercoaster of an experience that you shouldn't deny yourself. Whatever comes of it you get to learn, change and grow making you a more capable person in every way.


I speak from experience and to give me the chance to theorize on such is a welcoming thought. It made me look deeper into things. Thanks. I hope you get the answer you're looking for.

Answer 6

Thinking positively, I would say it is better to have loved than not have that quality or ability in self's spirit. Now negatively, there are so many possibilities, from the deepest and darkest evil to the simple but fundamental disagreement over religion or politics or science. On further reflection, in a social relation of that kind to marry, it is better to love and find disappointment for that ideal in an other than to never have had that ideal, and yet persist in having it, i.e. you lose a battle but not the struggle.

Answer 7

all of us lost Love once in our short lifetime,
& most of us have lost our First Loves.
Lord Tennyson's saying is one of the most melancholic there is
since his quote is all about wistfulness, longing for something gone. it was meant to pacify his yearning for what he lost, but time eventually helped him heal.
the Truth is, everything in Life has it's polar opposite.
Therefore, for every loss, there is gain. & vice versa.

but the loss isnt just about mortality, some fall out of love, some has mistaken infatuation from Love, some are victims of long winter nights.
the experience we gain through our relationships are far more substantial than what we learn in School or in our workplace. the best among these relationships are actually the bridges that make us go through the other side of our journey to enliightenment.

& to add, i never really liked the word "Loss" used to connote a Love that is gone or has withered.
the fact is You never really lost Love, you just lost the person. the Love is always inside you...
it might take some time for you to realize that it's actually undergoing a transformation.
Like a catterpillar resting on a cocoon.
in its proper time the Love that has been hurt (but never lost) will slowly come out in the open again, gradually spreading it's wing..
with renewed hope, new sense of direction, & a more enduring Love.
Most of all, more beautiful than any butterfly you will ever see
:-).

Answer 8

I have only been Truly...In...Love....once in my Life,and that Love lasted for 13 years,and then in the Blink of an eye...it was gone...He was my Life, my Heart ,and my Soul...after that was gone....I was Lost.I am a much Stronger person today,and I have learned great lessons from My experience... but, to answer your question... It is Better to have Loved,and Lost..than to Never have Loved at all....
it made me Stronger,and means my next True Love... will be even better....

=)

Answer 9

I was deeply in love with my ex. I thought he was it for me and when he broke up with me I was devastated and it took a long time for me to get over him. But despite the pain I never gave up on love nor did I allow it to destroy me. I am now much stronger for my experience and, I feel, better able to love and cherish the boyfriend I have now. So from personal experience I can say that YES it IS better "to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all."

Answer 10

i believe it is better to have loved and lost because through having a love and loosing you gain experience, which can evolve your personality and the general way you live. to have never loved at all would be safer but less exciting and life changing.