Mom disowned me because I am TS. What should I do?

Question

I recently came out to my mother and told her that I was going to have a sex change operation. I am already several months into the process of taking hormones, so there are things going on with my body that are starting to become more difficult to hide, especially now that summer is here. I always thought she would be accepting, especially because she has several gay friends, but to my surprise, she was outraged and said that if I went through with this, she would never speak to me again and would have me removed from her will. My dad passed away several years ago, so my mother is all the family I have. I don't want to lose her, but I also need to follow this path. It has been three weeks since I told her, and she refuses to return my calls or answer my e-mails. I stopped by her house the other day and she refused to answer the door. What should I do? I am so lonely.

Answer 1

Hi, Sorry you are going thru so much right now. Do not do anything drastic. Give your mom some time to get used to the idea. This is alot to take in. I'm sure that she loves you. Put yourself in her shoes for 1 minute. I am not saying she is right, she is probably just stunned. Write her a letter reminding her how much she means to you & how long you have felt like you have needed this procedure. Do not argue and holler, this will make it worse.....she will come around. I will pray for the two of you. Take good care of yourself.

Answer 2

People who support gays tend to be against transsexuals at some level. TSism is not a type of gayness and has nothing to do with homosexuality. Do not compare someone's treatment toward those who choose to practice homosexual acts with how they would treat those born with the birth defect of having the wrong parts below. It would be like dying your hair red and expecting to be liked more by people who like blondes. Also, so many people don't mind the theory of TSism, it is when it hits home that bothers them.

Don't worry about her. If she can disown you this easily, then she never was really a mother to you at all. Your true family are those who love you, care for you, and respect the choices in your life. If a parent only loves a child because they have a penis and act masculine, that is quite sad and shallow.

Having children to use only as trophies to bolster one's own self-image is quite shallow. A lot of the rejection comes from the feelings of being cheated. If a child grows up to live the "American dream," then the family says, "Look what we've done! Look at us!!!" But if the child is incapable of doing that, then they are resented and even disowned. I would read "The Seven Habits of Effective People" and maybe slip her a copy. It has a whole section on living through children and wrongly assuming that what a child does reflects on them somehow. You both could also stand to read the book, "Boundaries." It is published by Zondervan Press, and yes, it uses Scriptural references. It doesn't preach, though.

I would say "So What?" on the will too. There is something wrong when a person tries to use money as a means to force you to pretend to be what you are not. Just be yourself and she may come around or she may not. Would a true mother be an extortioner or blackmailer of their own child?

You can write letters; only a very rude person will mark them, "Return to sender." You can leave emails under different addresses. Just say nice things, don't explain yourself, and don't expect answers. Melt the wall with nothing but pure kindness and respect. But right now, give it a rest. Work on becoming the best woman you can be and show her that you are no embarassment to her. Voice training and facial surgery go a long ways with some shallow family members. Become an accomplished and successful TS.

Kimberli's story on Lynn Conway's successful TSs page is an example of a family that disowned a TS and later accepted her when she made something of herself. She became a business executive, married, and adopted children.

To the answerers, the asker is TS, not TG, and I'm TDing all answers that degrade her by calling her a TG or comparing her to them. MtF TSs are women born with the wrong parts and who get surgery, MtF TGs are men who merely pretend to be women and who don't want the surgery. Forget the umbrella nonsense, and no, TG is not a PC word for TS.

To Tinkie Winkie above, sex and gender are not one in the same. Your gender is who you are. Your sex is what you have below. Why do you dress as a woman? Because of your equipment (sex), or how you feel about yourself and believe yourself to be (gender)? You are correct in saying that gender cannot be changed. That is why people change their physical sex instead. They change their sex in order to match the gender which they received before birth and cannot be changed. Your gender cannot be changed, but your physical sex can be to an extent. TSs don't become what they are not, but become more of what they always were.

Answer 3

Aw Hun. I'm sorry she can't cope right now.

Give her some time. While it is right for you, it's still got to be a huge shock to her. Don't push her. Hopefully she'll calm down after a while and realize you're the only family she's got, regardless of your gender.

In the meantime, try to stay strong. This is something you have to do to be true to yourself. It's sad that your mom can't accept that right now, but hopefully when she see how RIGHT the new you is, she'll come around eventually.

Be Brave and Good Luck!

Answer 4

I was outed to my family when I was 15, and they threw me out of the house. I never did get close again with my parents or brother.

Keep trying to let your Mom know how much you love her and miss her. Can you get messages to her through other family members - cousins, aunts, uncles, etc? Just keep trying to get through to her as long as you feel the need to have her in your life.
But NEVER be untrue to yourself. In the end, YOU are the only person whose approval you need.
I hope you have friends around who support you. There must be, at the minimum, online communities where you can find support.

I wish you the best of luck with your life! And I hope you can get back with your Mom if that's what you really want.

Answer 5

Welcome to the transexual world babe. Did you think you could walk into it without getting hurt. Believe me you will be hurt more than this. I lost my mother my syblings, eventually all my children, absolutely everything. Do you think you can walk out into the world and everyone will accept you ? Because if they do you are the luckiest TS on earth. There is only you can decide what to do, either stop and regain your mom or carry on and hope for the best from her. You wanna chat I am here, just look at my profile and contact me if you wish.

Answer 6

I honestly wish I had an answer for you. I have chatted with many transgender ladies, and they have had rough time with friends and family acceptance. I have only 1 suggestion. Find a support group. I don't know if that is the type of answer you are looking for, but thats all I can come up with. I hope she will come around and support you.

Answer 7

Oh, hun, how heartbreaking for you.
Unfortunately, and I know this is no consolation, it's not uncommon; many transpeople are disowned by their families.
You have to remember that you've had a lot longer to come to terms with your being transsexual than she has; it's come as a shock to her, and she'll need time to cope with it.
The only thing you can really do is keep loving her, and hope that she'll come round.

If you need someone to talk to, feel free to email me; I'll listen.

Answer 8

All you can do is give her time, if you do back and do not do this process you may regret it for life, As a mother I would never be able to turn against my children for anything, gay , straight, or Tg I will love and accept them for who they are. That is what a true mother does. Hopefully in time she will start to accept it.

Answer 9

Give her time and once she is willing to talk again, work on mending your relationship. It took my mother almost a decade before she even started to work on accepting that I'm trans, so for some it just takes time.

Answer 10

Do you think it is possible you could talk to one of your mother's gay friends? Maybe they could explain to your mother how you feel and why you want to go thru the procedures. Also to make her aware that you are still her child no matter what and that you need her. Good luck.
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