How do you deal with a person like this??????

Question

How can I deal with a husband that wont let me make decisions??? He feels that he needs to control EVERY thing in and out of our home. I'm not able to even pick out paint colors. I have 2 flower beds, without any flowers because he says that we don't need them. He wants to plant grass seed instead. We were talking about someday remodeling the kitchen. He already has it all planned out, and its not something that I want. What should I do? I could go on and on, but I won't. Dont say to go ahead and do this stuff on my own, because he also controls the money. I have a small part time job, just to get gas money and occasionally take our daughter to do something fun. Any ideas???

I cant get a full time job. I help take care of his mother and she has dementia.

Answer 1

Time to do what you want. You are not a child. Plant your flowers let him do what he wants with his plans but do not help him and if he asks for help tell him that he didn't want your help in planning it, so you assumed he did not want help with the project itself. Flowers are cheap plant away, I doubt he'll rip them out. Flowers are cheaper and easier to take care of then a quality grass seed..He has some control problems; take care of yourself

Answer 2

This is bad, and I say this because you have to understand, that because your husband will never change. He has the power, the money, the controlling personality, and you are the little woman, who takes care of his child and his mother, which is remarkable, since a lot of people would never agree to that.
Unless you are ready to get out of this marriage, or do something drastic, (Thank the Lord you do not have my temper, or my Special Forces Israeli Army background, if you know what I mean...)You, my dear friend are stuck.
Just remember, in life, the more options you have, the better it is. If this is how you want to live for the rest of your life and this marriage, I strongly suggest you start looking for a way out.

Answer 3

Marriage is a partnership between two people and your husband is not being fair to you at all. He should ask for your input and ideas especially when it comes to your home. It should be a compromise between you both so that you both feel comfortable and happy in your home. I think you need to talk to your husband and tell him that you would really like to put in some of your ideas since you live there, too.If you want to plant flowers, take a little money from your job and get a couple of trays and plant them. Tell him that it made you happy to do this and you want to be a part of remodeling your home. Try talking to him about your partnership in marriage and be more assertive with him. You need to try something to get him to realize how controlling he is being and how it affects you negatively. If he loves you, he should take your feelings into consideration.

Answer 4

Forget about the flower bed and the paint. You should be concerned about the situation you've ended up in. You're with a man who controls all the money and dictates how everything in the house and your lives should be. That's dangerous, honey, and isn't what marriage is about. The only thing that will change this situation is professional counselling. If he won't go, then you need to decide if you love your situation enough to stick with it until death do you part, because it won't change. Or you leave.

Answer 5

It sounds like your husband is actually abusive. His controlling behavior is an example of emotional abuse and I would greatly suggest you take him to counselling. DO NOT TAKE THIS LIGHTLY. If not for yourself at least for your daughter. You don't want her growing up thinking that it's okay for a man to dominate her and make all her decisions. But since he doesn't let you make decisions I suspect he would not go to counselling. What happens when you take a stand or voice your opinion? Does he yell at you until you agree? Or do you never stand up for your ideas. If you perpetually start to stand up for yourself he might react to that.

Alternatively in controlling relationships you need to find ways to take control back through what you do have power over. Two examples are withholding sex for a while or threatening to leave if he doesn't give you some respect. (You actually might have to leave for a couple days somewhere to prove your point). I know this might seem extreme but you have to know this is seriously wrong and you should not live with this.

Answer 6

Try talking to him about what partnership really means. Explain that you feel so "controlled" that you are unhappy in the partnership and that something needs to be done. Suggest couples counseling, perhaps, to help both of you learn skills in how to be better partners.
My dad pulled this on my mom for years and while they stayed together, now that they're in their 80's, the controlling part has gotten even stronger and it has been the cause of many arguments. This is something that really will only get worse over time unless you take action now.
Best of luck!

Answer 7

Country girl with a man like this it usually takes a dramatic event to open their eyes like you leaving for a while and sometimes nothing works but divorce but be advised these men are very resentful and will try and destroy you after the divorce which it sounds like he is already attempting that now by not letting you have a say in your marriage.. I would suggest counseling but these men are usually to prideful and he would resent the ideal that anyone thinks he has a problem have your pastor talk with him only god can change this man.

Answer 8

Wow, I thought my husband could be controlling at times.

Not too judge, what I do on things that he has a very strong opinion on and it is not my taste is I have learned the very good art of persuasion. If there is something I want to change with the house or somewhere I would like to go I make it seem like it was all his idea and go with it. That way I end up with what I wanted and he gets the credit for it.

Answer 9

Boy, I can see this one..............

Controlling sob, isn't he? (a personality defect on his part, and a personality defect on yours in that you are so willing to accept this situation................) And you need to find out why you are willing to continue to put up with it. He has a babysitter for his mom, and a lady with no thought, no spine, and no ambition... Ideal for him... You?? You're about to get the short end......Ideas????????? You bet, hon. Seek some counseling, and get control of part of your life...........

And this is the same kind of a guy that when he no longer needs you, you get flushed for some other lady, and there you are, left with no $$$, no job skills, and on your own..oh good.

One of the things for sure I'd do is go back to school... as my mom said, kids and an education are forever, husband and promises are not... No woman ought to stay in your position, and EVERY lady need to have $$ of her own, read again, hon, MONEY OF HER OWN. Too bad you didn't see Oprah last week.... google it, and see if it is still there about gaining financial independence, because hon, someday you are going to need it............Like when his mom dies.

Answer 10

Perhaps you should exert yourself more. Tell him how it makes you feel. Did you recognize this behavior pattern before you married him? Gain some independence by working full time if it is an option for you. After all this more like living at home with parents than a marriage. The more bitter you become, the worse your situation will be.