Why do you think people in abusive relationships?

Question

don't leave? My first marriage was to an abuser I got out after a year of him abusing me. But People who have never been in that situation say well she or he must like it they stay in the relationship how would you explain to them why abused people don't leave

I stayed with him a year I left him after 6 months. He joined the military and after much thought and prayer I believed things would change and the physical abuse was not that bad after he joined he was away for months probably 4 months to maybe 6 months. See It took me a little over a year actually but in all reality we lived in the same house for one yr. I left him and his games after I decided if he held to the threat he would kill me if I left that it was better off than dealing with his abuse.

Answer 1

I was with a very mean , hateful, jealous, and mentally /verbally abusive guy for 6 years. I know I stayed because some part of me wanted to SAVE him. yes..I thought I could help him change before he went and said or did something to the wrong person and ended up dead or something. Also looking back I think it took me to STOP loving him more, than I loved myself. I loved him more than I cared about myself so I thought that was what love was.. sacrafice. One day, I realized he didn't want to change... that he thought he was the SANE one and everyone else had the problem. His own family turned away from him because of his ways. I also eventually graduated from college with a Bachelors( no thanks to him) and new I could never accomplish anything with someone like that by my side. He was sinking down into a hole and despite my accomplishment, was taking me with him, I left and never looked back. Best thing I ever did and I thank God everyday for giving me strength to walk away.

Answer 2

There are a multitude of reasons that people stay in abusive relationships and although most people on the outside do not understand why they stay, the reasons they do are completely valid to the person staying. Fear, many stay out of fear of what will happen if they leave. Embarrassment, they are embarrassed of what Friends and or family will think about them. Money, many times they do not feel they can survive alone because they have no job, no marketable skills or resources. Children, many will stay because they do not want to break up a family or take the children away from the abuser. Then there are those that stay because they actually think that it is their fault they get treated that way and they deserve it.

Answer 3

It's like this: Absuive relationships are like boiling a frog. If you put a frog into a pot of boiling water right away, that frog's going to hit the surface and hop RIGHT away. If you put it in a pot of cold water that it likes, and very gradually turn the heat up, the frog will not notice and... well, you get boiled frog.

Abusers don't start slapping women around right off the bat. It's gradual, and the woman becomes trapped before she realizes it. And by that time, the man has generally convinced her that she's worthless, and that nobody else is ever going to love her. There's usually also some belief on the woman's part that if she just loves him enough, he'll quit abusing her, so that's another reason they stay.

Answer 4

Some people just connect to having someone reaffirm that they should not be loved and nurtured in a positive way. They feel that they must be abused because that is what they know. Negative comments or a negative abusive environment causes person to live in a absive relationship. Sometimes you don't know what is a loving and positive relationship. You sound like you accepted your self and gained the strength to leave. No matter how bad about yourself you feel, do not believe that you deserve less.

Answer 5

Because it goes beyond the surface of just leave. Mentally, emotionally and spiritually people get messed up and most people I don't believe start off thinking they deserve to be abused and there in lies where the root takes hold. Often times, especially women, we wonder "what did I do?" and try to fix it. Then sometimes, it is a matter of safety. If I run, he'll kill me, or kids--the abuser will threaten to do harm to the kids.

Self-esteem gets destroyed in those situations because physical abuse is just a manifestation of already mentally and emotionally abusing a person--it is like the last step. The spirit gets wounded and the emotions get confused because like everyone else, you continue to wonder what you did wrong to deserve it, and/or you wonder why you were the target of such a thing and/or why you weren't strong enough or smart enough to avoid/prevent it from happening to you. Abusive people are cunning and charming (men and women) so you don't usually see them coming unless you are very perceptive or wise.

You can essentially not be you in those situations because you are being destroyed or prevented from seeing yourself properly. Imagine the time in history before people believed that domestic violence was wrong. That wasn't more than 30 years ago, I believe, that laws weren't in favor of victims of domestic abuse. Many people still even today, as you posed this question, think it is the fault of the one being abused that they are getting abused. However, in reality, the internal lives of everyone on the planet is always more complicated then that because we are our mind, emotion, spirit, and flesh all operating in a world that tells us who we are and gives us what we will have to work with in life early. Sure we all have power to choose our paths once we figure out ourselves--years into adulthood, but we have no power in choosing who we are born to, where we are born at, our cultures, our gene pools, etc. which are all critical in having stability and love in order for us to have a healthy development.

Thus,those who have the hardest time leaving abusive relationships are those raised in abusive families because then their only pattern, model of relationships is abuse. They may hate it but for them it is a way of life and they have no comprehension of what real love is much less how it is acted out. Some do escape being abused, but usually they escape being abused because they grow up to abuse. It takes hard work on oneself to overcome such patterns in the bloodline and stop the abuse all together. I don't know of anyone who overcomes those things, but through some sort of spiritual awakening.

Answer 6

I have never been abused.

I think it all comes down to self-esteem. Even if someone TRIED to tell me I would never find anyone like them I would be like uhhh yeah, whatever. I think they get so wrapped up that they actaully look to their abuser for any acceptance. Usually they isolate you from friends and family - so the abused starts believing - oh - I suck so bad, but he is the only one who loves me. So sad. Love yourself - that's where it all starts.

Answer 7

You were the one who stayed in the abusive relationship. Why don't YOU explain it to US? Because I have no clue. After he raised his hand ONCE to me I would have been gone.

Answer 8

because some of them must be scared of the unknown and what their future will be like . Or they are scared of being killed by their abuser . Just some things I can think of . kuddos to you for leaving . good luck .

Answer 9

My grandmother always told me that the reason people stay is because on some level, they like it.
It's not hard to leave.
You did it. You set a fine example for millions out there who are getting abused.
Kudos to you.

Answer 10

I'm a abuser and my girlfriend is still with me. we been together for a year and 5 months i wont let her have friends a cell phone talk to her family etc.. i tell her shes wothless and she knows it