I know i will die if i stay but i cant leave please help?

Question

i have been in this relationship for 25 yrs,From the begining there was drama with his family and religion.We past that .Then ther was the drama of his physical abuse,we past that to,but then came the mental abuse which i can honestly say i would swap the physical back .I swear my husband has had numerous encounters with other women but ofcourse he will never admit to anything.This was the when i dug myself a bigger hole to fall into i was looking for a friend after my father commited suicide i couldnt focus on anything in life and got so depressed everything in my life was dark at that time.Not that thats an excuse for my actions those i take full responcibilty for .Well to cut it short i fell for the first idiot who came along to give me a shoulder to cry on , it was one of those so called internet affair,i was so consumed with guilt i told my husband.But 6 yrs later he still wont let go.i am at the point now i would rather die than live like this ,i know i should leave but i cant.

Answer 1

Why cant you leave? Has he tied you to a pole? Go & change your name & GET OUT OF THERE.

Answer 2

I know that having invested 25 years in this marriage, you feel you cannot leave now. But if you want any happiness in your life, you have to. Having the Internet affair was not the wisest thing to do, but everyone needs a shoulder when things get really bad, so stop beating yourself up for a mistake you made 6 years ago. I feel sure that if your husband had treated you with enough love and respect, you would not have felt the need to find someone else. Net Rider has a really great plan, and you really should take the advice. Think of how much more you deserve than this abuse , and I am sure you will find the strength to do what you really must do. Good luck.

Answer 3

I can sympathize with you completely. I was married for 27 years to the wrong woman. I never loved her but married her because she moved in with me. I cheated on her pretty consistently. Not my proudest hour, I freely admit. I only say these things to show you that I know the feeling.

Now to your problem: the answer is simple--move out while he's away from your dwelling. Do it by yourself--you don't want this mess to splatter on any friends. If your family can help, that's fine as long as you know they'll side with you when things get ugly.

Plan ahead:
1. Pick a date at least two weeks away when you know he'll be gone long enough for you to get moved.
2. Find a place to live. If you're financially strapped, move into a battered women's shelter if you have to. Don't under any circumstances tell him where you're going. Don't tell any friends. Tell your family if you can trust them to keep the information confidential. Get the utilities turned on.
3. Make a list of what you're taking with you--clothes, personal records (birth certificate, passport, checkbook, diplomas, your will, any life insurance policies you own), your computer, any pets that you're closer to, some linens, some kitchen items, and any items with high sentimental value. Take one of the TVs (the better one if you can move it) and any other electronics you want. Take your alarm clock, your books... You get the idea. Make the list, check it twice and then take only what's on the list unless you just can't live without it.
4. Get fully organized. Plan what goes into your vehicle in what order. Think it all through.
5. Rent a small truck if your car won't hold it all.
6. On moving day, get started as soon as you're sure he's gone and isn't coming back because he forgot something. If possible, confirm he's where he's going or on the way before you start.
7. Given that he's so abusive, leave him a note. Tell him you need a break and that you'll be in touch when you decide what to do. Suggest he get some help in the meantime.
8. Change your cell phone number that day. Don't give it to anyone you feel like might be persuaded to give it to him.

You have to get out of there. You can build a new life. You can meet the man of your dreams.

Take time to grieve your loss. If he finds you, get a GOOD lawyer and get a restraining order. If he violates it, have him arrested, right then!!

If you decide divorce is the right option, get a really good woman's divorce attorney and get the legal process started.

Good luck!!

Answer 4

You need to make a plan and seek professional advice.

Its pretty obvious that this guy wont listen nor accept any help or responsibility for the things he has done. Hes so insecure about himself he doesnt seem to care that hes hurting you.

You dont deserve to be treated the way you have been treated by this horrible excuse of a man, its time to put yourself first and carve a life out that you own for the first time in 25 years.

Can you really imagine spending another day, week, month another year more with this torture? You know its time to go now thats why you are writing this.

But please be careful and find the right advice,,,,someone mentioned something about Oprah's website and advice leaving abusive relationships, do take a look.

Best of luck.

Answer 5

Why can't you leave an abusive situation? I was married to a man that was controlling and mentally abusive, it took time but I finally got him to leave.

What are you afraid of? Take a long look at yourself and find out the answer to that question, once you've found it maybe then you will be able to leave. Are you afraid of being alone, afraid you can't make it without someone to hang on to? Realize that you have your own strengths and they will get you through anything.

I think most women don't leave because of children or money. I had to tell myself that my children would be better off living with just me, even if we had no money and in the long run I was right.

Answer 6

I have been in many abusive relationships both physical, mental, and emotional.

Coming from the streets i guess i have been always looking for the one who will love me for who i am but unfortunatly no luck as of yet.

I know 25 yrs is a long time but you should look at the years you could have been happy with someone else or even alone without the abusive husband.

You know its over when you can not trust one another, you say you think he has cheated and you have admitted to looking elsewhere for the missing love, well this is a sure fire sign that it has been over for awhile but you haven't admitted it in your heart and your mind.

It's time to let go of the past and think only for your future, you and your husband must go on your own path now. Go forward not backward.

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Answer 7

The remedy for this is to forgive yourself. It's been six years, and you see that it was a mistake. You have learned your lesson and you're not going to do it again. Claim forgiveness for yourself.

Once you have accomplished that, it's time to have a discussion with your husband in which you explain in very clear terms that his bringing up your affair will no longer have any power over you. Tell him that you have done all you can to make it up to him and to prove your loyalty, and that there is nothing more you can do. Tell him that it is, therefore, over, that you will no longer tolerate him bringing it up; he can bring it up if he wants, but you will no longer allow it to have any effect upon you whatsoever.

Then, stick to your guns. Behave consistently in the manner of someone who has nothing to feel guilty about. Think of it like having committed a crime (the affair) and then having served your time (the last 6 years). Declare the sentence over. You have paid the price and you will not continue to pay. He has milked the guilt card for all it's worth, maxed it out, and made it unusable anymore.

Once you forgive yourself and let go of your guilt, he'll have no leverage, and his words will turn powerless, unable to harm you. When he loses his power to hurt your feelings, there will no longer be any "mental abuse" because the words he uses will have lost all their sting.

Answer 8

Why can't you leave?? I lived in an emotionally/physically/verbally abusive relationship for 12 years and I finally mustered up enough balls to leave. It is NOT easy, I know--no matter how bad it is, it's still hard to do. I don't know how I did it--I finally just got SO SICK of hearing how worthless, ugly and stupid I am and one day I just said "that's it, you're full of sh*t" and I left. Six years later I'm still trying to deal with all the emotional abuse. YOU can do this too!!!!! Don't let him ruin your life like this. He has beat you down emotionally to the point where you say you can't leave, but YOU CAN. Only you can change your situation.

You are WORTH so much more than this!!!!!!

Answer 9

You should make an appointment with your Doctor and tell him how your feeling, maybe he can get you into some counciling to help you. I know it's hard for you to leave after 25 years because your set in your ways and you have become ammuned to the abuse. But leaving your husband for awhile to see how life is on the otherside might just be what the Doctor prescribes. Best of Luck To You!!!

Answer 10

I don't know where you live but, in some states just getting a divorce because he was (I am going to say he is still abusive) abusive. You need to leave. There are places that you can go. Also, there are some states that are a no fault divorce states. I live in Michigan and that is one of the no fault state. There is a way to get a divorce by default you would have to get the paperwork and have him served by a authorized server. He can't keep you in that marriage!

If you need some more help with this I can do what I can please email me.

Answer 11

Yes, honey, you CAN leave. You're just afraid to.

I left an abusive husband. It takes a massive leap of faith that everything's going to be okay, but I promise you, it will. You life can only get better - mine sure did.

This man has shown you that he's not worth dying for, not in the least. You are stronger than you realize - hold on to that strength, lean on family and friends, and find a way to get out. You can do it. Things can only go up from there!