the birth of our beautiful 4 y/o daughter. I show her that I'm still interested and always willing. She's 24 and I'm 29. I feel like she's forcing me to go elsewhere. I'm lost.I do take care of myself. It's not like I'm a pig, I shower every night before bed to smell good for her and still, no interest. I compliment her all the time. I never ever put her down from her weight. Im in good shape and shes not horrible. She has the most beautiful face, personality and heart. This is a situation that I don't wanna do something wrong and be that guy. I dont wanna hear talk to her because I already did.
2007-06-13 02:13:42 · 41 answers · asked by The Gooch 3 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
Let me refrase that shes not horrible. She is overweight and is getting body parts are forming to square shapes. I had bought a treadmill and I find myself being the one who uses it. She does use it once a week. She is trying to loose weight and I encourage her, but then she gets these friends at work to get her to join these Jenny Craigs and other things. Shes not a sucker, but all women are when someone is selling them something they really want and feel that they need.
2007-06-13 02:26:30 · update #1
You're not a pig. Women underestimate the importance of sex for men because it isn't AS important for us (not saying it isn't important at all). Not having your sexual needs met in a relationship is as detrimental to a man as not having your emotional needs met is for a woman.
You have to tell her this. Like it or not, a sexual relationship is part of the marital agreement/obligation. She probably is insecure about the weight gain, but if it's affecting her enough that she doesn't want to be naked in front of you, it's time to get help for it. And I understand how she's feeling, I gained weight after both my pregnancies, too. But you can't use weight gain as an excuse to neglect your husband. And that's what she's doing - neglecting you. If you've talked to her and it isn't helping, I really think you should suggest marriage counseling (do NOT suggest a weight loss program - that will only push her farther away). Hearing it from a non-biased 3rd party may help her.
By the way, I'll probably get slaughtered for this by the other women, but using the treadmill once a week is not trying. Weight loss is hard, no doubt, but it's not impossible as long as you're committed.
2007-06-13 02:26:17 · answer #1 · answered by Magaroni 5 · 4⤊ 3⤋
You are already doing great in the fact that you thought about the situation before you let your desires take over. I applaude you on that because you did what most men wouldn't. After four years I would think your wife would be past letting weight issues interfere with your sexual life. You only get that as an excuse for the first year. You sound like a very supportive husband so suggest a weight program you two can do together...even if you don't necessarily need it. She's going to her co-workers because she probably feels more comfortable discussing this type of problem with them than with you. Make it very clear that you want to support her and that you are not at all ashamed of her body. Actions speak louder than words so instead of "telling" her that she's still beautiful, show her a night of intimate love making where you show great detail to every aspect of her body. She will be a little apprehensive at first, shy about you being so attentive to her body, but if you are adamant about it, what choice does she have but to let you and once she sees that you still find her attractive, square shapes and all, then it will become apparent to her what she's been missing out on for so long and hopefully this will be a fresh start to her desire to satisfy her husband. Best of luck to you and her!
2007-06-13 03:41:28 · answer #2 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
Well you're going to hear it...talk to her. Talk to her again and again until you find out what the problem is, but talk to her in a loving manner, not an accusatory manner, not in a greedy-sex-selfish manner.
What you want to do is know why your intimacy is missing, not just get your rocks off. My point is that, your motivation for talking to her about the bedroom situation shouldn't be a selfish one, but a true concern for your union. If it's a selfish one, she is going to sense it right away, (or already has).
All the little pieces of your life with your wife affect your intimacy, sexual and mental. Take a look at how the two of you are working on your future, your present day to day life together, and how you work out conflict. Do the two of you treat eachother as priceless? If not, you start treating her as priceless, eventually she will think you are priceless too.
Almost always the sexual part of a relationship will work itself out when the rest of the relationship is doing well, and a woman's sexual side is affected by everything else. Things that weigh on her mind as problems decrease her desire, and I think this goes for all people.
2007-06-13 02:30:36 · answer #3 · answered by Anonymous · 2⤊ 0⤋
I think iswtlilblonde31 gave great advice, but still you don't know how to approach her, right?
I have had problems with my weight, going up and down. I used to run but after an accident it's been hard to keep the weight off since I can't run anymore.
My boyfriend tells me he loves me and finds me beautiful, and I know he means it. I think you find many things about her beautiful but the comment that shes not horrible says that you are having a hard time with her weight. Should we stone you for being honest,,,,oh no. You are struggling with this and you are being honest in hopes to save your marriage.
The way you express yourself shows that you are a good guy. Trust me if you cheat it will kill you! I'm sorry I don't have the magic words to help you, but because I've been there I can tell you that it just clicked for me and I bought a treadmill and my weight is coming off.
Take a romantic walk with her, on the beach is even better the sand is a great work out. Tell her you want to see the sunset on the beach with just her....it's not sneaky, it's love, and it's a battle you're fighting to save your marriage.
If more men cared enough to display their feelings like you did more relationships would be saved. Good luck
2007-06-13 02:32:57 · answer #4 · answered by mutualmuse2000 2 · 1⤊ 1⤋
When you have talked to her did she say why she is uninterested?
Some times it does take a while to get back into the flow of marriage and it does get lost when you have a child.
Women are notorious for getting lost in the "Mom" role and forget that to become a mom we were a wife first.
The compliments and positive attitude are great but be sure that the loving gestures out side of the bedroom are still there. The ones that are for no reason and do not lead to anything sexual. Kisses on her neck for no reason while she is doing something, holding her hand, opening her door that sort of thing.
Get a babysitter, plan a romantic night out for just the two of you and surprise her with it, let her know that you love her and only her. That no matter what you will respect and value her and your relationship.
Never feel that just because you are not getting the sex you want that she is "forcing" you to look outside of your relationship. That would just be a pathetic excuse or rationalization for cheating.
2007-06-13 02:24:45 · answer #5 · answered by Anonymous · 3⤊ 2⤋
Many times after having a child, hormones get out of place along with body and body images. Perhaps you could rekindle the relationship a bit. Arrange a baby sitter and take your wife on a date. Women need intimacy to begin far before the bedroom.... Quiet dinner, a romantic dinner, something the two of you enjoy doing together without children, "a date"... Good luck and God bless****
2007-06-13 02:35:26 · answer #6 · answered by ? 7 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Some of the others here gave great advice.
My ex-wife also had issues with weight after the birth of our second son, and began to develop a bad self-image. The only difference is, she also became verbally abusive towards me, unlike your wife who by your account, remains a sweet and loving person.
Meet her needs. She needs physical activity. Tell her that you're unwilling to lose your wife to self-pity and self-deprecation and if she's down on herself because of her weight, then dammit, get up and go walk or run with you until she feels good enough about herself to stop treating you like a second-class citizen. What she doesn't seem to realize is how the pity parties she's throwing herself are affecting the marriage and the whole atmosphere in the house. She's gotta think about you and the baby - the family - and not just her own self-esteem issues.
You owe her a loving and faithful husband, but she owes you a wife. You are contractually obligated to each other. Tell her that you have tried to talk and be supportive and to stroke and caress her emotions, but that she's stubbornly holding on to her own self-pity at the expense of the marriage. Tell her to pull it together.
Sometimes we can try to be too senstive to their femininity. Nothing wrong with that at all - except when it's not working!
Remember you've got a covenant together. She owes you a wife!
2007-06-13 02:49:23 · answer #7 · answered by purplex62 2 · 2⤊ 2⤋
It's one of two things: She is severely depressed or you have had or have marital problems. For some reason I feel like you aren't sharing ALL of the problem with us. I think you should both visit a counselor and put it all out there on the table, whether it's depression or a marital issue. I find it very hard to believe that if you are so attentive, complimentary, and considerate that she continues to brush you off for no reason. Communication....that is the key. Good luck!!!!
2007-06-13 02:25:44 · answer #8 · answered by Gretta 3 · 2⤊ 0⤋
Well the first thing i would say dont go somewhere else, you will be losing half your pay check to support that kid u had with her, so its worth trying to get a lil sumthing from her.
Obviously if she has changed and not having as much sex, get some babysitter u know some little her time to herself.
Come home make her dinner tell her to relax, see if u get sex that night, something little will go a long way.
There are always the viagra for women type things, hell slip a bit of that into her meal when u make her dinner and your golden :>
2007-06-13 02:48:30 · answer #9 · answered by Drew P 1 · 0⤊ 1⤋
Let me just give you an insight to what she might be feeling:
I recently put on 10 pounds. It was awful, I felt very unattractive and just gross. My boyfriend (who lives with me) was the same way you are. He went out of his way to tell me how gorgeous I am and he tried to encourage me to go to the gym with him (he bought me a membership). I just couldn't do it. I was feeling so depressed that I would just sabotage myself MORE. I ate more, cried more, sat around MORE.. everything. It had nothing to do with him. Anyways, I lost all interest in sex. Not because of him, but because I wasn't comfortable with my body. Thats all I could think about. So don't go running to someone else's door to get some action. Just give it time. She will come around. Instead of a treadmill, try going on walks after dinner. You, your wife, and your daughter could go around the block a couple times, or you could have someone sit with your daughter so you guys could take a walk. You guys will bond, she'll be more active, and maybe after getting her heart rate up, she'll want more excersize =). I'm now at 134, Ive really only lost just a couple pounds but I feel so much better about myself now that Im doing something to help. Just be patient. Show her that she's worth waiting for. And also, maybe you could start fixing healthy meals for dinner, or you guys could make them together. The closer she feels to you, the more she'll want to get back into the habit of things. Complimenting will always just be complimenting, try to say something truely unique so she knows you aren't just talking out of your ***.
2007-06-13 02:57:15 · answer #10 · answered by Anonymous · 2⤊ 1⤋