Suddenly, Jonas had felt anxiousness and visions had quickly flashed through his mind.
Jonas visions included all of the horrible and terrific events that had occurred in his life
Including all of the precious lessons from the Giver about the real world, and the times spent together with his beloved family.
Tears started to roll down from Jonas eyes, while wondering if this was an end for him and Gabriel. Jonas hold Gabriel tightly, while kissing her on her smooth pimples cheek, knowing that they would soon separate from each other, forever. “Gabriel, as we spend our last minutes together, I hope that you will always remember that no matter what happens, you would always be in my heart, deep down.”Jonas tightly closed his eyes, while holding Gabriel tightly against his chest, knowing that something tragic would happen next in their life. But after a few minutes, he had felt no pain at all, it was completely weird.
2007-06-12 13:04:17 · 2 answers · asked by Anonymous in Family & Relationships ➔ Singles & Dating
Jonas felt anxious as his mind replayed all the events of his life. Horrible or terrific, they all paraded through his mind. The most important ones--lessons about the world taught by the Giver, and precious time spent with his family--lingered for a long moment.
Fearful that his end might be coming, Jonas openly wept. He wrapped his arms around Gabriel, holding her tightly as he kissed her smooth cheek. The sense of dread deepened. "Gabriel," he whispered, "I hope you will always remember that you are in my heart. You'll always be there, no matter what happens." He closed his eyes, gripping her hard against his body as he waited for the inevitable parting.
The dread and anguish fell away. He felt no pain whatsoever. It completely freaked him out.
2007-06-12 13:21:16 · answer #1 · answered by Jess 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
You have changed from present to past tense several times. A few run-on sentences and used and too much. Try reading it out loud, that always helps me to find such errors.
Example: Tears started to roll down from Jonas eyes
tighter prose would be: Tears rolled down from Jonas eyes
interesting bit of writing, good luck
2007-06-12 20:21:20 · answer #2 · answered by KMcG 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋