Unrealistic expectations for Maid of Honor / Bridesmaids ?

Question

My friend is getting married in 3 weeks, I'm her maid of honor. I have never been a moh before, so I'm not completely sure what all is expected from me. It seems that the bride has unreaslistic expectations for myself and the bridesmaids tho.

I have thrown the bridal shower, planned the stagette, spent hundreds of dollars on my dress & shoes, gifts, planning...etc. I have gone wedding dress shopping, and to fittings..etc. I have left work early to learn how to tie the train on her dress.

With Fathers Day coming up, she expects me to throw away my plans with my family to do hair trials.

The day before the wedding she wants us to take off work to set up the hall.

If we can't make it to do something, she acts all sad and upset and tries to guilt us into it.

Does she not realize that we have lives ASIDE from her wedding? We all have jobs, and families and school. She is a stay at home mom who is obsessed with this wedding.

Is she being selfish or am I?? How do I deal??

Answer 1

I think you are a SAINT to put up with that. You are now busy. I would just ignore her.

Answer 2

I dont think selfish is the word for either of you, your priorities are just WAY different right now.

I know personally, I was the MOH that went above and beyond, and I would have had no problem with anything that you have stated, I would have adjusted my plans with my dad to work around the wedding schedule, after all, a wedding is only once, Fathers day comes each year and can be celebrated any day. So I would have gone to the hair trial, I also would have taken off work to help her out.(well in my case I would have arranged for a baby sitter for my kids, as I am a SAHM) Basically if my Best friend said jump, I asked how high, it was her special day and I wanted it to be special for her, I didnt mind any of the demands or work that went along with it. I do however know that I was not the "normal" MOH, alot of the married girls in the wedding party and that dealt with me commented that they had wished their MOH's were more like me.(which in all honesty made me feel sad for them that they didnt have someone who would do what I didnt even consider work) But in my mind I was just helping out my very best friend, I WANTED to do all that I could and I loved every minute of the year and a half I spent with her planning her day. Its entirely possible I wouldnt have been the same way if I didnt care about the bride as much as I did.

I'm sorry that you are feeling a bit put-off by the tasks that you are being asked to do, but I think it just comes with the territory of being a MOH, and I guess now your know for next time that this is the kind of work that goes with accpeting this position and maybe you will say no because its not something that you are enjoying.

Answer 3

For the record, all brides are not like that!

It does sound as if she's being a bit selfish, but in truth, she only gets one chance at her wedding day. It's not as if she can just fix it for next time, if it doesn't go right.

You should NOT blow off Father's Day for hair trials...I'm certain her stylist could find another day to squeeze you all in. It's very likely that you'll have this friend in your life for more years than you'll have your Dad, so please be sure to honor him. And then you should tell your friend that she needs to do the same thing, and to find another day for the hair trials.

Perhaps you could compromise on the set-up...Could you take half a day off work? Also, how much set up is there really going to be? Do you seriously need a whole day? If so, she should probably ask her mother, sisters and cousins to help out with this, because apparently she's understaffed for the event!

The MOH is supposed to be the key person who helps the bride...that does NOT mean that you have to do everything. See if you can "contract out" some of the work...you're responsible for making sure it gets done, not necessarily doing it all yourself.

Answer 4

She's the selfish one.

The MOH is expected to: pay for her own dress, shoes and gift to the couple, and plan a shower or stagette party. She should be at the rehearsal and the dinner following, and needs to be there for the wedding itself to help the bride prepare, hold her bouquet at the altar, and support the happy couple.

She is NOT expected to: ignore her father on Father's Day, take time off from work for any wedding-related function unless the wedding is being held in the middle of a work day, go to every fitting, or ignore her entire family for the sake of one day in another woman's life.

Alas, since it's getting down to the wire, any attempt to change her way of dealing with you and the wedding is going to be a lot more work and a lot less successful than if you'd said something two or three months ago. Still, she needs to know now that you're not ignoring your family to play with her hair on Father's Day.

She needs a reality check, but it may have waited too long.

Answer 5

She is being selfish. Yeah, a maid of honour signs up to give a lot of help, but there is a limit. Bridal shower and stagette are standard things to do, especially for someone you care about. But getting you to leave work early multiple times and expecting you to ignore your family is over the line. A wedding is important of course, but not at the expense of the happiness of those around you.

Have you tried speaking with her about how you're feeling? If she doesn't know you're upset, she won't try to pull back at all. Hopefully you could tell her that you have a schedule to keep to as well but you can help her during other times. Maybe one of the other bridesmaids could help out a bit more?

Slate has an article about this very thing http://www.slate.com/id/2167299/nav/tap1/

Answer 6

You are both being fine about this -- she has certain things she expects you to help with and you need to let her know way ahead of time what you can do and when you can do it. Sit down with her and just let her know that you don't want her to be let down or have one aspect of the plans affect anything else based on your schedule, so tell her to let you know what she has planned and then let her know what you can and cannot do.

Tell her you are happy to do the hair trial but not on Father's Day weekend -- so she can either reschedule the appt, or keep the appt and you will just go another day on your own or not have a trial at all and your hair will be just fine on wedding day! Maybe tell her you can only take a 1/2 day off at at work or that you can arrive after work to set-up or go ahead and take off the day and pretend itr was your wedding and how much you would appreciate if someone did all of this for your special day.

Try to remember why you agreed to be MOH and remember that the day is almost here, will be pver soon and you too will be a bride one day and you will know how to treat your bridesmaids (I personally did not ask anything of my bridesmaids except to buy the dress which was a gorgeous non-bridesmaid dress we found at Macy's and to wear any black shoes they wanted... but then again they were also traveling to another country for my wedding!! I bought their matching jewelry, paid for the hair / make-up, their transportation to/from the party and did not ask for a single day of their lives or additional $ from their pockets! but that's just me and my style -- this will all serve to help you pick who your friends are and what kind of bride / person you will be).

Good luck and have fun!!

Answer 7

As a MOH, there are certain "expectations" that you must live up to. These include paying huge amounts for dresses, bridal showers, hen parties, etc... (I paid almost $1,000 for my whole part in my best friend's wedding.) However, she should realize that this isn't YOUR wedding and you can't/won't give up your life for it.

Let her know that unfortunately you can't do hair trials on Father's Day, but you could go the day before or after. Also, tell her your boss won't let you have the whole day off work to set up the hall (there's no way it takes that long anyway) but you would love to help out after work.

Answer 8

Hmm what she is asking isn't too irrational, it is the fashion and timing in which she is asking. I think you should help set up....after work. You should do a hair trial...but not at the expense of your family time. She is not considering your life and she should try to work around your schedule too. I have been a maid of honor three times and I did do all the things you talked about but I did them within a reasonable schedule to my life and the brides understood that. I also only did what was financially suitable for me and they also understood that.
For instance, when my best friend got married she wanted us to also buy pricey matching shoes after we had already bought pricey dresses. I took her to the side and told her that I didn't feel we should pay that for shoes that wouldn't even suit all of us (height wise, width, etc. ) and that I thought we should all have our own shoes as long as they were the same color, bc most of the time no one even sees your shoes. She saw my point and agreed. Sometimes you have to be the voice for all of the bridal attendants and if you are truly close to this person they will understand. Good Luck!

Answer 9

She is being selfish. That is a lot of money to spend when you are missing work. Help her understand by saying, honey, I love you to death, but if I miss work anymore, I am not going to have a job, which means I will have to live with you after you are married.
I would let her know that I would be happy to meet with the hair trail person, on my own schudle. But that I had made plans and can not change those, as I could not throw away her day of wedding.

Answer 10

You and the Bridesmaids have gone "above and beyond" the call of duty!!!! It's time to say ,"NO."

The "honor attendant" is supposed to give the Bride moral support and help with the pre-wedding plans BUT you are NOT supposed to be her personal maid or workhorse or have to answer to her if you wish to have "a personal life."

Unfortunately, there are a lot of Brides who become Bridezillas before their wedding and this lady sounds like one.
Participating in a wedding, being an honor attendant, is supposed to be "a pleasant experience" but that's not true in your case. You have been used and abused. She probably asked you to be her Maid of Honor cause she knew "she could take advantage of you" (and she has).

Is she also going to ask you to unwrap the wedding gifts . . transport them to her home and then write Thank You notes? And how about going down to the Social Security Office when you have some free time and fill out the documents to change her name?

It's time to say to this lady, "Do it yourself." It's time to speak up!

If you are ever asked to become a Maid/Matron of Honor again, I hope you have a better experience than this one. It's supposed to be fun . . enjoyable . . and a great memory!

Answered by: A Certified wedding specialist / A Professional bridal consultant / A Wedding ceremony officiant

Answer 11

I think she is being a little irrational. I am a wedding planner in training (i am almost finished, woo hoo!) and I think that a bride should have fun planning her wedding although she has to think about others too. She is being selfish and as a good friend you should check her on that, politely. Say, "____, I think you are being a little irrational. You have to consider the fact that people have to work and people have other things they have to do. I want your day to be beautiful and special, but maybe you can tone it down a bit." Maybe not in thoes exact words...just don't make her feel guilty...I think if she had hired a wedding planner she wouldnt have had problems. Are you married? If not, remember that for when you get married. HIRE A WEDDING PLANNER. It isn't too late, maybe she can still find one. Wedding planners set up and make everything pretty....