Children at a formal wedding reception... why is this so controversial?

Question

A woman at a dinner I was at the other night went ballistic when she overheard me saying that my parents and side of the family could not believe my sister was having children at her wedding -- and I was trying to figure out how best to help my sister set up a special table and have some babysitters on had to help out. The woman was irate that anyne would dare suggest that children / babies should not be at a wedding.

I explained to her that this would be a formal / white glove dinner reception at a very fancy site and you just can't expect toddlers to sit still for such a dinner and there is nothing else there to occupy their time -- plus dinner is at 8pm and the kids have to be up past midnight... not to mention the servers trying to navigate serving dinner / wine around little toddlers (all kids would be between 6 months and 5 years old... and there will be 13 babies / children...)

What do you all think about this topic?

Answer 1

I am from a part of the country where there are always children at weddings. We have smaller, simpler receptions though, nothing as formal as you describe. Is there any possible way to include the children in some part of the wedding, without having them there all night til midnight? Aren't there usually little flower girls at weddings, even if they are formal? I think you just have to use your best judgement for the type of thing you are having, and no one can say whether or not it is appropriate except the person doing the inviting. My daughter has been a flower girl at 2 of her cousins weddings, and there were other children there, but mainly they were the children of immediate family members, like the bride's sister's baby, or something like that.

Answer 2

I think that everyone has to make this decision for themselves.

It's okay for this lady to think that kids should always come, and I hope that her wedding is/was everything she ever wanted.

For your sister's event, it's also okay for her to say that no kids are allowed. Even if it weren't a super formal occasion, it's your sister's wedding, and she's allowed (and expected) to invite the people she wants and not the people she doesn't want. If her criteria is based on age, then that's all that needs to be said about the issue.

I think the reason that some people get upset about it is because they have an opinion, and a wedding is a BIG THING. They have in their heads the perfect picture of what a wedding should be like, and any variation from this is too much for them to consider. Especially women, who have been mentally planning their own big day for years.

FYI, my daughter is having a super-formal event, and it will include kids...We have worked with the facility management to have dinner served at 7:30, and the cake cut by 9:00, so that the little ones can get home at a reasonable hour. Many people have offered some great suggestions on how to keep the kids entertained...Please do feel free to use some of these, if they can help!

Answer 3

I think that a lot (obviously not all) of parents these days have given up on the idea of disciplining their children and expect the rest of society to just deal with their ill behaved offspring as if it were cute. Its not cute. Children being children is understandable. Children being outright destructive is obnoxious. I like kids as much as the next person, but there are some situations that are just not appropriate for children. Keeping your 5 year old out past midnight is downright irresponsible, and if you can't get a sitter, don't go to the wedding. You give up all those rights to do whatever the heck you want the minute you conceive a child. It isn't about you anymore its about what's best for the child, and if some stupid ignorant woman gets offended because someone else chooses to be responsible about the event they are hosting by either trying to make it more appropriate for children or by recognizing that it isn't appropriate for children, then that is their ignorance. That's like getting angry when the box office at a theater tells you not to bring children to an R rated movie. How stupid do you have to be? It has nothing to do with being selfish or not liking children. Its about recognizing what's responsible and appropriate and what isn't. Years ago, you wouldn't have had to tell people not to bring their kids or hire a sitter and someone to entertain the children. They would have known better than to bring their kids to a formal evening event that lasts well into the night. For crying out loud, they should be in bed by 8 anyway!

By the way, she never said anything about anyone being worried that the kids will ruin the event. In fact, that she is taking time to make the event more kid friendly is pretty damn considerate if you ask me.

Answer 4

I think a lot depends on the person's view of what a wedding is supposed to be.

I get the impression that there are a lot of brides who take the attitude about a wedding that it gives them a chance to put on a show that's all about them, and that because they are spending time, money and effort in putting on a show that's all about them, they want it PERFECT.

Which is a valid point of view. Personally, I prefer the attitude that a wedding is not a show, it is a ceremony of love and commitment that is first and foremost about joining of two people AND TWO FAMILIES. And most families include children.

This is just my personal preference, and I know that other people's mileage will vary. I would really rather go to a wedding where there is accomodation made for children than to an elaborate spectacle staged as a formal display of wealth and "taste" for adults only. Where if a child cries, or gets fussy, or spills something, or does any of the other things that kids just sometimes do because they're kids, nobody gets upset because it's "ruining their day" or it takes the focus momentarily off the bridal couple.

See, I just don't get this business about children-- or anything-- "ruining" someone's wedding. If you're marrying the person you love most in the entire world, then your wedding day should be the most luminous and happy in your memory no matter what goes wrong, short of someone getting hurt or dying. Man, you're vowing to spend your life with the greatest love you've ever known. How can that not be a happy day, even if every baby in attendance howls, every toddler manages to get in someone's way, things get spilled or otherwise upset?

I guess it's just a matter of what people want. I just always have wondered what the people who obsess over wedding details and planning do when the perfect fairy-tale ceremony is over and "their day" comes to an end.

Answer 5

Good question. I agree that young children don't belong at a wedding. Kids over 12 I think are fine, but less than 12 they should be at home with a sitter. I wouldn't want young children at my wedding. They can be disruptive when bored, cry during the ceremony (I've been to 2 weddings where the parents did not remove a crying baby from the ceremony), etc.

Totally agree with you that leaving kids out of a wedding (especially a formal one) is totally fine and probably expected!

I don't think that having kids means losing your own life. Yes, I'm a big fan of families, but I still think it's HEALTHY for parents to get out on their own every so often! Kids do not need to be included in every event and in many cases should not be included.

Answer 6

I think kids add a much needed bit of comic relief to wedding ceremonies and receptions...however, if it's an extremely formal event, then it's in the CHILD'S and their parents best interest if they are occupied elsewhere(either at home or in a nursery you provide). It really is tiring and tough for a parent to keep their kid quiet or sitting still for something that is that formal and it's just not fair to either parent or kid. I think the problem comes when you tell someone you can't bring their kid, then they get all indignant and feel like 1)your telling them they won't be able to handle the kid or 2)you don't want their kid ruining everything....it all gets very personal when you say "no kids." But I guarantee, if it were the parent's choice...most would say they'd like a night out without the kiddos. I think it really is about you telling them what they can and can't do.

Answer 7

I asked a question similar to this a couple days ago and was BLASTED for saying I didn't want children at my wedding. People called me "selfish" and "obviously not a mother". I don't think there is anything wrong with having only adults at your wedding and reception. In my case, we are having a formal sit down dinner and have menu choices. It causes a whole other problem because you have to worry about menu choices for the children, not to mention worry about making sure there are enough high chairs (in the case of infants/toddlers) available for seating.

The most important thing to remember is that whatever the bride and groom want, they should get!! It is the one day in their lives that it is all about them, and they are the spotlight. Some people want children at their wedding - fine. Some don't. But don't get "irate" because children are not invited. RESPECT the bride and groom's wishes and get a sitter.

I also agree with PSPOPTART above - if it's an wedding with an open bar, that is not an appropriate environment for children. Something for all you irate moms out there to consider before jumping down the bride's throat.

Answer 8

It's up to the bride and groom. I say between 4 & 5 and up - especially if it is a late wedding. I have nothing against kids at weddings but younger than that - late at night isn't such a great idea. The parents probably want to have fun without worrying about the kids anyway. My niece was 2 at my wedding. She was our flower girl at the ceremony but since the cocktail hour started at her bedtime she went home with her grandparents. Our cousins didn't want their kids there (they are 6 -12) because they wanted a fun night out. If it was an afternoon affair I think it would be different, - you don't have to worry so much about tired and cranky, but for a nighttime affair bring the kids to the ceremony and leave them home (asleep as usual) for the late party.

Answer 9

this is so funny to me. i had an adult only reception. I wanted my wedding to be fun night out for my friends and family and an excuse for them to get a sitter and just let loose. too bad they all got insulted and said they all guilt-ed my mother or my mother in law into talking to us and getting us to say they could bring their kids.

now i have children. people LOVE to show off their kids. I Love to show off my kids. don't assume that all parents need a break. that's what I've learned from the past.

BUT. As a guest, I really think a couple's choice to not worry about kids (where the kids will eat, where they will run around, making sure they don't knock over the champagne glass pyramid) is just that. and I should respect this family member or friend and find a SITTER! If I can't, then I don't go. no hard feelings... that is life.... weddings can get so petty sometimes

Answer 10

I think the question of whether or not to invite children is entirely up to the couple getting married. Some people love being around kids, some hate it. Some people want weddings that are kid-friendly while others want something that would be miserable for kids. The couple chooses the level of formality and the activities for the day, as well as the guest list.

For my own part, kid-watching was one of the best parts of my wedding and I wouldn't have missed it for the world. But I've also happily attended adults only receptions without grumbling or horror. Not my wedding? Not my decision.

Some folks, however, feel it is their right/duty to sway everyone in the world to their side of the question, whichever side that may be. It isn't. Alas, that doesn't stop them from putting their oars in. It ought to, but it doesn't.