If your mother-in-law dies and you have no one to watch the kids?

Question

My mother-in-law has had cancer for a few years now and it's getting worse (no longer in remission, no longer curable, etc.). My wife and I know it's probably a matter of months before she dies. The problem is her parents live across the country, and we recently moved to a new state. I feel when the time comes that I should fly back with my wife for the funeral to support her, but we have no one to watch our kids over night. And we can't afford for us all to fly across the country. In fact, we're probably going to have to go into debt just for her/us to go. Help! What do I do? Do I let her go by herself when the time comes? How would you find someone you would trust to watch your kids for 2-3 days? (Our youngest is 7, so they're not real little kids.)

It's not that we could find someone who would be willing to watch the kids. It's that we don't feel we know anyone in the area well enough to trust them with our kids overnight, much less for 2-3 days.

Wow, many great answers (though I wouldn't "just find someone" to watch my kids for 2-3 days, whether at church or wherever). Two ideas I really like, so far are: 1) saving up (or maybe borrow from my retirement?) for all of us to go (and maybe it wouldn't cost as much as I think), and 2) asking my parents to make plans to fly here when the time comes. Great suggestions!

Answer 1

There are special death in the family rates the airlines don't tell you about. Trains have it too. You should be able to take the kids with you, it's thier grandma.

Don't you dare let her go alone. She'll hate you afterwards for not being there. It doesn't matter that it's about money and how logic that is. This is a very emotional time. Emotions have no logic or reason to practical life situations.
I guarantee, the in-laws will probably talk bad about you being a no show. If you need to, ask the family for help.

Answer 2

Wow, this is a tough situation. You dont have any one near you? Fam, close friends? I would never just trust an occasional sitter just because you dont usually know them as well as we probably should. I would say your childrens safety is more important than being there for your wife. I mean that is extrememly sad and horrible that you can not go if this is the case and you can not weigh out which is more important but leaving your children with unfamiliar people that you do not know could essentialy create a terrible situation that you may never forgive yourself for later. I am just saying... worst case senario. If not, maybe some family members could help pitch in so that the kids can fly. Hope this helps.

Answer 3

How long would it take to drive there? Sometimes with cancer the doctors are able to tell you that it will be less than 2 weeks, less than a week, etc. Depending on how long of a drive it is your whole family could head out and maybe get the opportunity to say goodbye before she passes.

If you guys are in New England and she's in CA though, that most likely won't work. Have you looked at taking a train? Often times it is much cheaper to travel by train, so you may be able to justify bringing your kids with you.

If I were in that situation I would definitely want my husband there with me. Do your kids have any friends in the area whose parents you've met? You could most likely ask them to look after your kids for a couple of days. Or you can do the church, teacher, friends of yours, of someone from your family thing that everyone else is suggesting. I really hope that you guys are able to figure out a solution that works best for your family. Good luck - your family will be in my prayers.

Answer 4

First of all, I am so sorry to hear about your mother-in-law. This is tough. I just went through this 4 years ago with my Dad. To answer your quesiton. If you don't know anyone personally to care for your children, I would not recommend leaveing your children in the hands of any stranger, no matter how good their refferences may be. Not even for one night. If I were in your place, I would send my husband alone. Of course it would be nice if you could be there by your wifes side. But since #1 you don't have any one to care for the children. And #2 you say the trip will hurt the pocket book. You will be securing the safety of your children and at the same time, cutting the travel cost in half. Your wife will understand, and her family will understand. The important thing is for HER to be there with her family. This is the best support you can give your wife and her family. Believe me, they will appreciate your sacrifice.

Answer 5

You're in a bind. I had the same problem...
I'm a single mom of 2 young children... I've been on disability... my mom has had cancer for several years until one day my brother told me that I really have to see her asap.

I didn't have much money but I had friends who let me borrow money and the rest I used my credit card. And this was peak season last year... close to the holidays which makes international fares more expensive.

I understand that this is a tough decision but I hope you will put into consideration that this is possibly the last time your children will see their grandma and likewise the last time grandma will see your kids.

I still remember vividly how happy my mom looked when she saw me and my kids. She was ecstatic... she had a sudden burst of energy inspite of all the pain. We were able to spend time with her until she passed on... and it doesn't matter now that I owe thousands of dollars... I am young and I can work and earn and pay for that debt...

but the look in my mom's face... is priceless...
she passed on before Christmas... and she was happy...

I did the right thing.
I hope and pray that you will be able to do the right thing.

God will provide. whatever your decision is...

God be with you...


PS
have you considered just driving there if it is cheaper that way? it is not everyday or even every year that a parent dies.

Answer 6

First off, here is a HUGE hug and a HUGE pat at the again! You sound like Wonder Woman! K. The cooking for lots of specific tastes- NO! You cook dinner ONE meal at time for supper. If anybody does not adore it, too unhealthy! Say "Eat it or move hungry or fend for your self." For breakfast, a bowl of cereal will suffice. OR, that is what we do, we make a past due breakfast/early lunch and feature two foods in a single. Cleaning. Everyone (besides M-I-L) will have to be anticipated to select up after themselves. Make a everyday chore record and assign duties, even the teenagers. I understand it's his mother and your hubby needs to be at her facet.... but if he is looking dvds, that is his get away. Give him one other get away- serving to you! If he does not begin serving to you, he will fairly be SOL whilst you come to be within the sanatorium from fatigue, or worse. Is there some other household that you'll name in for aid? (now not simply the variety of household participants that exhibit up, count on a meal and your sympathy!) Is/was once M-I-L a member of any agencies, church, and so forth.? Those might be PRIME applicants for aid. YOU are not able to keep doing this. It's whole madness to even THINK that ONE character is in charge for all this. Take an afternoon (a minimum of one!) for your self. Tell your hubby that subsequent Thursday you're taking the time off, from the whole lot. He has time to determine what to do, discover aid, and so forth. Let him see, first hand, what you've got been doing for SIX MONTHS!!!

Answer 7

That's a tough call. I would have my husband stay behind. Leaving your children with an almost total stranger for 2-3 days would not be good.... However, depending on how much time you have you might be able to be-friend someone that can help perhaps. Maybe, a college age nanny type that needs a little extra money that you can have come over before your mother-in -law passes...

Answer 8

You mention a couple months, is there anything that can be done to raise/earn the money in the meantime? Also go thru the airline for bereavement fares. And although Im not a big fan of debt, in a situation like this, where it might also involve the safety of your children and a very non-typical expense, I would say its worth it.

Answer 9

Have someone from YOUR family come watch the kids

Let them know ahead of time whats going on and that your probably going to need them to come and stay with the kids for a few days....Don't just throw it on them at the last minute if they have time to plan then they should be okay....

And if you cant or don't have family that can do that...start looking now for someone...churches,kids friends family,next door neighbors

Answer 10

Fly a trusted family member in to stay at your house and watch the kids while you travel with your wife. It will be cheaper than trying to fly everyone to the funeral.