I have only been engaged 2 months, but we live together and I am providing for his 2 daughters (they don't see their mum) yet when I asked last night if we can discuss our wedding he won't. I wanted us to get married summer 2008, but he said that maybe we can get married in 3 years. I am confused now as he wants me to be a mum to his daughters, yet he doesn't want to be my husband?
2007-06-12 08:05:48 · 36 answers · asked by cavviecath 3 in Family & Relationships ➔ Weddings
After a long discussion last night he explained the reasons why he wanted to wait. We have set a date (ish!!) for summer 2008. I don't want to go into detail about why he wasn't sure (nothing to do with our relationship) which I fully understand.
thanks for your input
2007-06-14 21:08:28 · update #1
I'm sorry dear...but 3 years is too long of an engagement I think. It doesnt sound like you guys are really engaged...an engagement assumes that he intends to get married.
Please do not waste 3 years of your life just to find out he will never commit. If he isnt making any move to settle down, he may just be using that "engaged" state to keep you around as a mother to his children without the full time "permanent" committment of marriage.
2007-06-12 08:59:10 · answer #1 · answered by Kat 5 · 1⤊ 1⤋
Marriage is based on a true commitment for one another a bond to show the love , care, passion for each person. An engagement is a pre-step towards this life's happiness. It is not a joke, many people that choose to get engaged will get married in 6 months to a year. A waiting list of three years is a call for concern . By the story i have just read it makes me believe that he is just using you for the care of his children and for his selfish needs . He is keeping a secret from you when he chooses to ignore something so precious in life a new journey. You should consider couples therapy.You want happiness don't wait for someone to give it to you go find it.
2007-06-14 09:19:32 · answer #2 · answered by Jenn 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I was with my hubby 5 1/2 years before he proposed and we had an 18month engagement which shows some guys just work on a longer timescale. Getting engaged may seem to him to be committment enough, after all hes promised to stay with you (via the engagement promise) but its that final stpe towards the alter that freaks him out. Give him a bit more time before harrassing him about a wedding (after all, whats the big difference between being engaged and being married, besides an extra bit of bling and the chance to 'show off' to family)?
However, I think you do need to set some ground rules with him as youre acting like your 'step daughters' mother.
Good luck and take care xx
2007-06-12 23:45:05 · answer #3 · answered by Secret Squirrel 6 · 1⤊ 0⤋
I wouldn't just leave him if he doens't marry you - a rather knee jerk reaction I would suggest. You need to get to the bottom of why he doesn't want to get married. Perhaps he is scared of it (not unusual for a man or a woman), worried about history repeating itself. Try and work through it rather than deliver ultimatums - if you were feeling the pressure would you like to be given an ultimatum? Set a date where you are both happy - not too far away for you and not too near for him. Yes you are looking after his daughters but presumably you are doing this because you want to not because you are hoping he will marry you. Take your time and get to the bottom of problems rather than turning your back on the man you presumably love - ultimations and demands rarely work in the long term. In the meantime, enjoy your engagement.
2007-06-12 08:20:25 · answer #4 · answered by Bexs 5 · 1⤊ 0⤋
As far as I am concerned you should only be engaged to be married when you are ready to plan the wedding.
I think he is giving you as little as he can to keep you with him and get you to watch his children. Whether he will ever marry you is up in the air.
It is sad that there are children involved because they are innocent, but I wonder what his response would be if you said you thought you should move out until you are legally married.
In a relationship 2 people need to come to an agreement, not one dictating to the other.
2007-06-12 12:39:37 · answer #5 · answered by no_frills 5 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Wow I'm probably going to get thumbs down but I'll say it as I see it.
He has involved you in his childrens life and allowed them to get use to you.
You have even moved in together so therefore are as close as any family.
2 months (8 weeks ago) you got engaged which is a commitment to get married,
Now he isn't saying he doesn't want to get married he is saying he would like to wait 3 years and you only want to wait 1 year.
Considering the engagement is all new it might just be too early for him to realise how happy he is, you are as near as a full family if not in name. Outsiders can say leave him etc etc, but he is probably looking at the security of his children and if you start making it look like you could walk if things aren't settled then alarm bells will ring in his head because he will not want his children upset or involved in a domestic.
If he was showing no commitment then I might be giving differant advice, but you are a great asset to him, he seems to be climbing the ladder, but 2 months engagement is not very long but as I said is a commitment, maybe on Valentines day you both will have had nearly a year together, maybe you could compromise and both organise something romantic and meet halfway, cos thats what relationships are about.
I have to say you both sound like a great couple, he isn't really saying he doesn't want to be your husband, he's commited himself and now you might have to wait, which is something we all hate doing, don't let that overtake everything you have together, let him get use to the engagement and then who knows.
All the very very best and any relationship that is half decent is worth working on, and when a parent makes a commitment with children involved that is clearly a very good sign of how much he thinks of you not just as a partner but as a stepmother.
Gerry XXX
2007-06-12 08:28:18 · answer #6 · answered by Anonymous · 4⤊ 1⤋
As Ann Landers used to say "wake up and smell the coffee". An engagement without at least a plan for a wedding is just a pacifier for you. I am not saying that he has to agree to marry you next year. What I am saying is that if a man values the relationship he has with his fiancee, he will have an honest discussion what they see in the future including marriage.
without knowing either of you it seems to me that he is taking advantage of you by having you care for his children. If I were you I would give him a chance to go with you to a counselor and see if you can't work something out. If he is unwilling to go to a counselor, then I suspect it is time to make new plans for your life that don't include him. I wish you the best.
2007-06-12 08:26:46 · answer #7 · answered by brotherlove@sbcglobal.net 4 · 2⤊ 1⤋
Yeah, sounds like it. He's got a sweet deal for himself there. If you've got no plans to get married, you're not really "engaged" are you. I'm sure you don't want to "pressure" him into anything, but at some point it would make sense to try and get a clear answer: does he or does he not want to get married. If he does, set a date together and start planning; and no, it doesn't need to be 3 years in the future.
2007-06-12 08:40:22 · answer #8 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 1⤋
If getting married was important to him, he would be willing to talk about it at least. Sounds to me like he got engaged and thinks that is enough. Surely getting engaged means you want to marry that person. I would ask him his reasons for wanting to wait. Ask him to be really honest so that you know exactly where you stand and then make decisions about the future of your relationship based on that. good luck
2007-06-13 22:06:46 · answer #9 · answered by sam b 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Its probably a very old fashioned view, but I always thought the point of getting engaged was because you were intending to get married. If not then you may as well just live together. What is his problem, I wonder? Perhaps he thinks he would lose you if he didn't get engaged to keep you interested whilst he makes up his mind.
2007-06-12 08:11:49 · answer #10 · answered by Anonymous · 5⤊ 0⤋