I could use some HELP?

Question

My mother and my soon to be bride DO NOT get along..My mother is in a wheel chair and lives with me..A home for the elderly is out of the question...ANYONE...?

Answer 1

I know it must be hard because you most likely are always getting caught in the middle of it. You have to hear it from your mother and then you get to hear it from your fiance. You need to let your fiance know that you have no intention of putting your mother in a nursing home. Your mother has taken care of you and now it is your turn to take care of her. If your fiance really loves you she will accept this and find a way to get along with your mother. Unfortunately, it is up to us to "suck it up" when it comes to trying to compromise with the elderly, to an extent. I commend you for taking care of your mother and that should be one of the reasons your finance should love you for. Knowing that when you two have kids they will be raised in such a way that they would be willing to take care of both of you when you are elderly.

The best of luck to all of you

Answer 2

I can only assume that you and your new bride to be are not in the first flush of youth. There is absolutely nothing that you can do to make the two women in your life get along. Your mother probably sees your fiance as a threat who is going to take her son away from her. You will have to be very firm in saying that your mother is going to stay with you and that you will continue to look after her in the manner that you do at present. She is your mother and deserves this. When you are married and your bride lives with you, a lot of patience and compromising will be needed. I do hope that the two women in your life come to some sort of agreement and are able to live together in a peaceful way. I suggest that you try not to get involved in their differences, and let them work things out for themselves. I wish you every happiness.

Answer 3

I suppose you could all sit down together and talk about it. Have each bring out all concerns they have, and come to an agreement..or rather.. a compromise. Individually, ask them how much they love you and want you to be happy. If they share both positive answers, then go have a sit-down. In front of your mom, tell your bride-to-be that you won't send your mom to some home for the elders. Then, in fron of your bride, tell your mom that you love your bride-to-be and want to marry her. Let them know how much you love each of them, and ask them if they can help you be happy and come to a compromise. No one has to go, this can be achieved, really.. Unless one doesn't love you enough to learn how to make some sacrifices. Nobody can always have what they want, and you're not asking too much. Still, a confrontation is needed, and you should mediate accordingly. Coming up with good compromises will be helpful, and some can give, some can sacrifice. It just has to be done with grace, and I think you'd be the right person to be in the middle.. Ball's in your court.

Answer 4

Not sure why they don't get along, assuming that they are both 'normal, likeable people' : In your Mum's case she may be nervous of changes that will inevitably occur when you are married. She may feel insecure and feel as though she may no longer be wanted. She may feel that your future wife is not right for you. If she has a sense that you are even considering an old folks home then she will be resentful towards your bride. You need to talk quietly to your Mum and find her true feelings on the subject before you can resolve this matter.
In the case of your future wife, she may have similar feelings.
She may worry about your Mum passing judgement on her, she may feel that your Mum doesn't think she is right/good enough for you. She may worry about finding her role in a house that was previously home to you and your Mum and she may just be out and out jealous that she will have to share your affection. You will have to talk to her on the subject too.
Unless you can identify the 'root cause' of their problem, it will never be sorted and you will not have a happy home. Once you know everyone's concerns then you can work toward a solution but not before.
Your Mum needs to know that she will always be important to you and that you will never ever put her in a home. It may help build bridges if you can get your girlfriend to talk to her on this subject.
Your Girlfriend needs to realise that you will never, ever abandon your Mother and she needs to work with you toward a solution. After all, unconditional love and loyalty should be some of the qualities she looks for in a husband. If she cannot accept your Mum and your living arrangements are not going to change then you need to delay the marriage perhaps....
Good Luck

Answer 5

Can your mother live in an assisted living complex? These are places where people own their own places but are on the grounds of a nursing home or one is close by in case something happens. Usually there is a couple of meals provided and allows the freedom to live on their own but the safety of nearby care.

Otherwise, if you are marrying a woman who cannot stand your mother and you intend for her to live in the same house with your and your mother, then why not just cancel the wedding now and save yourself the cost of the divorce?

Answer 6

First of all, I think it is wonderful of you to care for your mother the way you do. It is always nice to see someone who will care for the needs of their loved one personally rather than send them to a nursing home. I have seen how sad it can be for some nursing home residents.
I think what it all comes down to is that you have to find the root of the problem. More or less, who is to blame? Always you will find that there is an instigator in situations like this. I imagine that you love both of these women dearly and would not want to part with one to benefit the other. So, with that said, when you know who has the tendency to start arguments, you can set that person aside and explain to them how much you love them and the other person and you do not want to lose either one of them, but the fighting must stop. You have been put in the middle and it is not fair to you, or your relationship with either one of them. Tell them that you will not choose between the two of them and they must put their differences aside because neither one of them is going anywhere. At that point, I think you could bring the two of them together to discuss what the problems are between them. I hope that this can help.

Answer 7

First, I too am of the mind set that my family will live with me when they are unable to live alone. I applaud you for keeping your mom at home with you.

Second, in what way do they not get along? Do they just not see eye to eye on every issue or is it like WWIII every time they are in the same room?

If it is a constant fight then there needs to be some changes made and as mom is not moving out then the fiance needs to be let go and she needs to move on.

Answer 8

that's a tough one.... But your soon to be wife and mother needs to understand that you love both of them and you want them both in your life. Mothers can be a little protective of their baby boy's. so she will have to understand and accept the fact that you have to have a life. Your fiance will have to know that blood comes first and realize that if she want's to be with you she will have to get along with your mother. They don't have to like each other but make it very clear that they have to get along.... Tell them that "we are all adults" adults should be able to put there problems aside and focus on what's important... and that should be "you". try to get them to see the best of the other person. and tell them this is the way it's going to be so solve the issues. maybe if you got them to do something together they would realize that neither one of them are bad people.

Answer 9

You dont have to put your mother in a home, if she is in a wheelchair because she cannot walk but everything else is functional it does not make her totally handicapped. I know plenty of people who are in a wheelchair and live on their own. If your thinking of getting married and living with mom let me tell you it will NOT last. Stop feeling sorry for yourself and dont let you mother make you feel guilty. Its time you let go of your mother skirt.

Answer 10

Sounds like jealousy to me. They are both competing for your affection, you will just have to prove to the both of them, that you have enough love to share! Sorry to hear your Mom is in a wheelchair. Your soon to be bride should take that into consideration. I hope it doesn't come to the point, where you will have to chose between them!