My mother has always put herself before everyone. She's never proud of us, her kids, for our own sake, has threatened suicide, badmouthed our father to turn us against him, had tantrums on the floor when she didn't get her way, and used to constantly tell me I was selfish when I didn't take care of her (I was only a child). She wants attention and admiration 24/7 and won't even let me study.
I am still suffering as an adult. I am staying with my grandmother (and her) while I'm in school full-time and it is getting worse. My mother has not prepared me for "life" and I find that everything I need to know, I have to learn myself!
I had to pay hundreds of dollars for driving lessons because my mom didn't "feel like" teaching me to drive. She won't "let" me use the washing machine to do the laundry myself. My student loan debt is getting higher and higher, but if I move out, it will skyrocket.
I've been nothing but respectful, but now I am very resentful. How can I keep sane?
2007-06-12 07:27:51 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous in Family & Relationships ➔ Family
My mother is the same way. my best advice is to move out. I know it's expensive but isn't your mental health worth it? What good is the student debt you have if you can't get study to get good grades. The longer you stay, the more miserable and resentful you will feel. If you are in school, you could probably share an apt. with someone who is not narcissistic and selfish. Face it, you are suffering and you don't have to.
I was emancipated at 17, so I could get away. It was Hard to do, but i felt so much better. sure I was broke and my apartment was crappy, but I had my sanity and didn't feel so bad. distance actually made my relationship with my mom a little better.
Nobody can ever really prepare you for life. We all have to learn lessons the hard way.
by staying with your mom, you are basically saying that you'll tolerate her abuse and her narcissism.
here's a website that helps me with my feeling about my mom. www.nami.org on it is a discussion group for adult children of people with mental illness. it helps me. I found out that my mom is coming back to town. email me if you want too. maybe we can help each other.
take care.
2007-06-12 07:37:08 · answer #1 · answered by SJM620 3 · 2⤊ 0⤋
This sounds quite similar to the situation between my mother and I. Trust me after 15 years of dealing with her crap (I am 33 now) I have realized that she will never change. I had so much resentment towards my mother that eventually I could barely look at her without wanting to explode. I actually developed an emotional problem because of all of this. You just have to stop expecting ANYTHING from, don't expect her to be proud of you , because if you expect it when it doesn't happen you will feel hurt. Trust me on this, you have to try to live your own life, be proud of the person you are. I didn't speak to my dad for 10 years, my mom told me all this stuff about him about how terrible he was etc. About 5 years ago I found out a lot of this was bullshit, so luckily I have been able to re-establish a relationship with my dad. Try to make things good with your dad if possible( I don't know the story) at least you will have someone to back you. Anyways, long and short of it is you are stuck with a selfish mom, too bad you live with her because the only thing that helped me was living a good distance away from her. Maybe you could find a place with a friend or something, sometimes owing more money is worth it for your sanity. Good luck with school!!!
2007-06-12 07:44:52 · answer #2 · answered by Stuck in the middle of nowhere 7 · 2⤊ 0⤋
There is no law that says you have to like your mother. Don't feel bad if you hate her, just try to ignore her attitude. When she screams at you, when she calls you worthless, just take it all and devalue it. Your opinion of yourself is the most important. If you feel your life is going in the right direction and youre doing your best, then dont change and stick to your beliefs. Try not to get angry and snap back. Fighting will only make things worse and may get you kicked out. The way you described things, it looks like youre comfortable with your grades and job. It may be best tos tart saving some money and look for an apartment and maybe a friend to share the cost. You will feel a lot better away from arguments. Money may be tighter, but your life will vastly improve. Plan this out, take your time. You dying may make her sad for a month or two, but then things will start getting back to normal. Think bout any other death, and how you move on from it. Your death will get you nowhere.
2016-04-01 03:50:18 · answer #3 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Your choice is to ignore it and finish your education, or leave and support yourself. You can however, do your studying in the library and take your clothes to the Laundromat. You can learn to do anything around the house from reading or asking a friends parent to help you.
While you are between a rock and a hard place right now, eventually you will be out on your own and you can choose if you want a relationship and what kind, with your mom. Don't ever let anyone tell you that you have to, cause you can choose to never have anything to do with her again, or simply design a relationship you can stand. However do realize now that she will never change except to get older and rewrite history. Accept her like she is, this is it. Sometimes the best you can do is parent yourself and then do a better job with your own kids.
2007-06-12 08:22:00 · answer #4 · answered by tjnstlouismo 7 · 1⤊ 0⤋
It sounds like you have raised yourself and you have done a great job. It is your mother that cannot take care of herself and that is not your fault. I don't know your mothers story and how she was raised. If you are already paying for your own driving lessons, than you won't ever be like her. You will be able to take care of yourself. If you are an adult now, you just worry about yourself and let your mother have tantrums and don't give into her, she needs to grow up now. Hang in there until your done school and you can get a great paying job so you can take care of yourself. Her lack of parenting has only taught you how to take care of yourself and not rely on anyone else. Find a strong female role model you can look up to and learn from. Teacher? Maybe your grandmother?. Sometimes even in a movie a woman who is strong and has to over come some obstacle in life can help.
2007-06-12 07:51:44 · answer #5 · answered by CARM 3 · 3⤊ 0⤋
Abuse is abuse no matter what way it transpires, and mental cruelty can have a longer healing process. Not sure how old you are, but is there not a School/College Councilor you can confide in. Or a relative you can live with, even if it means moving some distance away from your mother, you can always transfer to another school/college at least you would have some peace of mind, and regain some sense of a normal school life. Hope things work out for you, and please take note that no matter how low or resentful you feel, there is plenty of people who can help.
2007-06-12 07:38:20 · answer #6 · answered by Anonymous · 3⤊ 0⤋
I got the same problem. I just don't pay attention to her no more. I just do what I do and I stop thinking about her. I had the shittiest childhood because of her. Life is bliss now that she's not in my mind any more. She's your mom so you might think your obligated to be respectful. But, the fact is not all mothers are the same. Just throw a few dollars her way to pay for the little she's done for you. After that your good, go live your life and forget about her. She's just dragging you down with her ****.
2007-06-12 07:35:13 · answer #7 · answered by DeLeon Leon 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
i can honestly say i feel your pain..
firstly, ignore her a$$. spend more time with other activities. just go home to sleep and stay away..
but if that isn;t possible, and i know thi is scary, move out.
there are probably people at your school, the same people that help with finicial aid that can help you find very affordable housing. you can rent out a room, etc.. also, get a job, you can work from home, be a tutor, work-study programs...
just talk to finicial aid advisors or consulers in your school and i know they will have some great refernces and resources for you.
2007-06-12 07:34:13 · answer #8 · answered by harlemcheery 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
go to roomates.com or something like that and get out of there. Your an adult and need to move on.
You might never get over it and might always be resentful but if the object of your resentfulnes is right in front of you how can you have a good life.
Study hard overcome and go get a roomate!
2007-06-12 07:32:50 · answer #9 · answered by Russell C 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
oh, sweetie, that's so rough! my mom is the same way. I've started an online support group if you feel like getting your feelings about it out. I'm hoping to create a network for those of us with mothers like that! It's still in its infancy though...
if you'd like to contribute at all, it's called "Keep Your Sanity" http://parentalproblems.blogspot.com/
i hope to do some research soon & have helpful links.
i feel for you! hang in there! you've done well so far
2007-06-12 08:11:24 · answer #10 · answered by Ember Halo 6 · 1⤊ 0⤋