A Wedding Celebration, what would you do?

Question

Our niece on my husband's side of the family got married sometime late last summer . They told people about the wedding 3 months after they were married. We were also told that they only wanted to have the people that meant the most to them at their wedding (immediate family and close friends) I'm assuming. Anyway when we found out that they were married and we were not invited we got a little ticked off and just carried on with life. Now, all of a sudden we have received an invitation to a wedding "celebration" being held 3 hours away from us, the celebration is only a few hours long and a cash bar. We (my Husband and I) are both feeling like the only reason we are being invited to this celebration almost a year after they got married is because they want a gift. We declined to go, we feel like if we were not important enough to be asked to the actual wedding or at least be told about it, instead of waiting for three months, then why are we important now. What do you think?

And, may I add, to those people that are thinking I'm being childish and selfish that this is not the case. I understand about small weddings, my sister and her husband got married in Mexico on the beach, I wasn't there, nether were our parents, but.......we knew about it ahead of time and I had a big party for them when they got back. They did not tell us 3 months later and specifically say they only wanted the people that meant the most to them. To me it's a kick in the teeth. And to have the celebration almost a year later??? For you people that agree with me, Thank you, it seems like there is more of you. I wanted opinions and so far most people are thinking the same way as my husband and I. We did not decline rudely, I just told her that we are on holidays that week and have other plans. I will send her a card with best wishes only.

Answer 1

I think you should go with a beautiful card, no gift, just the card. Maybe in three monthes send them a gift card for a resturant, with a short note saying, ooops, just as you all forgot to let us know you are married, I forgot to give you this when I sealed your card three monthes ago. Much love, and sign your name.
I would inquire before going if there were reasons no one was told, though, If there are good reasons, then I would not give a mean card.

Answer 2

This is interesting. My best friend is getting married day after tomorrow. Just her, hubby-to-be, their 4 year old daughter, the officiant, me and my grown daughter as witnesses and I am doing photography and my daughter is doing video. They are not inviting anyone else from either family. In fact, they haven't told anyone at all. They plan to have a party in the future when her parents can travel to be here and invite other friends and family that won't be here for the ceremony. I hope no one feels left out.

I think maybe your niece used an unfortunate phrase to describe their small private wedding. I'm sure she didn't mean that you were un-important. But a small wedding is just that, small. If you keep it small, you have to draw a line at some point. Maybe they felt like they couldn't invite all the aunts and uncles, so they invited none.

It is very common to have a small wedding then hold a reception later. My husband's niece did this same thing, got married privately across the country, then held a reception in her home-town after the honeymoon.

Please go to the reception. Just take a card with your well-wishes if you don't want to buy a gift. The important thing should be family. Hopefully they will be glad to have you there with or without a gift.

Answer 3

I think you are over-reacting. Couples who don't want to have a large wedding face a dilemma - how do you tell everyone of the wedding and not invite them while not hurting their feelings in the process? Some choose not to mention the wedding until after the fact. The thing is, there will always be someone whose feelings are "hurt"... Yes, it would have been nice of them to send out announcements before the wedding - but I bet you there would be people who would be "hurt" to be told of the wedding but not be invited to attend (it might not have been you, but there would have been someone else). You just can't make everyone happy every time. Be understanding, and don't read too much into it. Also, there's nothing wrong with having a celebration sometime later - this way the "celebrating" is decoupled from the stress of having to plan an actual wedding. Yes, tradition dictates that you bring a gift to a celebration; does this mean that every birthday party ever thrown is thrown ONLY to get gifts? I'm sure a lot of people love getting gifts, but gifts are often secondary. It is up to you whether or not you feel compelled enough to make this trip - you're not obligated to do so. If you enjoy these people's company, then go and have fun; don't overthink.

Answer 4

I was a little bit put out to read some of your comments. My husband and I got married almost a year ago. We didn't invite anyone except our Parents and his Dad came. However we did tell everyone at the time i.e. before we went away. The thing is though, we are have a party with a cash bar in a few weeks and the idea that anyone invited would feel there were only invited for a gift is most upsetting. The only reason it took us this long it that we were both in new jobs, with little time and we didn't have sufficient cash to do it sooner. Even parties with a cash bar cost money, our party is being done relatively cheap and it going to amount to 1,500. This may seem like very little but we could not afford to have a free bar. Anyway enough about me, I do think it is upsetting to find out three months later that a close relation is married and I think it is justifiable that you were upset by this. However they did think enough of you to invite you to their party, which may be costing them more time and money than they can actually afford. here's the thing they might not have told anyone they were married straight away because they would have felt pressured to have this party when they couldn't afford it. I can't comment and whether you were invited merely to receive a gift but I can speak on mine and my husbands behalf: the people who attend our wedding celebration who do not bring a gift will be just as welcome as those that do. To us it is about finally being able to afford to celebrate with those most important to us. I only invited people I really want to come because they are important to both my husband and I. I may be wrong but I would like to think your niece, though misguided in delaying to tell you of her marriage feels the same. Best wishes to you and I am sorry that this event has upset you.

Answer 5

As someone who is currently planning a wedding I can understand where your niece was coming from. I don't think there was any intent to be rude then or that they are only inviting you for a gift now.

They probably just wanted close family and friends there, not the whole crew. Most likely they are inviting everyone to a celebration because they don't want to hurt feelings not because they want more gifts. I think you need to decide if you should go or not based on your relationship with the couple. If you aren't that close, why would you want to go or care if you weren't invited to the original wedding. If you are close...well that's another kettle of fish.

Answer 6

That is all kinds of rude, and I agree with your feelings. It would have been different if they would have had a destination wedding that was more private and then had the reception at home, but that was not what happened. I mean your husband is her uncle...not even a distant uncle, there is no reason you shouldn't have been invited to the wedding. Why didn't her parents inform you of the ceremony, is there some sort of familial animosity? I think they should have gone about things a different way if they didn't want to step on anyone's toes. Not to be sh**ty but I wouldn't even send a gift in your absence; they will figure out through the grapevine why you didn't come, but if you wanted to call them out on it I think it would be appropriate. Good Luck to you!

Answer 7

Here's the deal- situations like this are bound to cause hurt feelings, but there was probably a very practical reason that your niece and her husband originally wanted a very small, immediate-family-only wedding. Maybe they couldn't afford anything bigger at the time, or maybe they just wanted their wedding to be as stress-free as possible. Now that they have been married a while, though, their situation may have changed- maybe they have better jobs and can now afford a wedding celebration. Or maybe they were able to save up a little money to put on the reception they originally wanted. Or maybe they simply just started to feel bad that they'd excluded their extended family from the original wedding. It is possible that one of their other family members caused a stink about not getting an invite to the ceremony, so they decided to do this belated reception to soothe any hurt feelings. It is actually becoming increasingly popular for couples to have a small ceremony and then do the big reception months later. Several friends of mine have gone this route for cost reasons, and also because they felt that big weddings were just too stressful at such an important time to focus on their marriage. Whatever your personal feelings are about belated receptions, you shouldn't feel like you're just getting invited so they can shake you down for a toaster oven. Nor should you punish your niece and nephew-in-law for not inviting you to a ceremony that they kept small for reasons that most certainly had nothing to do with you personally. I feel like you are going to cause a major rift with your niece and her parents for years to come if you don't attend, or at least send a small gift in your absence. Family is just too important to let slip away over something like this.

Answer 8

I dont have a problem with intimate weddings for immediate family only...BUT they should have sent out wedding announcements right after they got married to extended family and friends, or perhaps even have a "get together" within a few weekd of the ceremony. I would have done the same thing you and your husband did.

Answer 9

It would appear to be that you are right. My nephew and his girlfriend had decided that they wanted to get married at a destination wedding and that they only wanted their mothers to go. They explained that since they were older (in their late 20's/early 30's) they felt like they didn't want the hoopla of a big church wedding. They told us ahead of time that they would plan a reception for sometime after they returned so we all could celebrate with them and see the pictures, etc. So no-one got hurt feelings and we all good wish them well in advance. I think a polite, "thanks, but no thanks" is more than enough in your case and would be appropriate. It was especially rude to say they only wanted the people that meant the MOST to them to know ahead of time and be include, what's that make the rest of you - leftovers? Good luck and God Bless.

Answer 10

It's fine if they wanted to have an intimate wedding, and it's fine if some family wanted to get together to celebrate their union. However, to send invitations?! If I was called by her mother and told there would be a gathering, that's one thing. But in her case it sounds like they are holding a separate reception.
I think you guys made the right decision.

Answer 11

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