why do I feel this way?

Question

I am getting married next august to a wonderful man, and marrying into a wonderful family, my inlaws are like my second parents.

Just recently my fiance's brother began going through a divorce, is not yet legally seperated no paperwork has been started but wife has moved out.

He has began dating a new girl, who has just plopped right in where his wife left off, taking care of their infant son, cooking, cleaning etc. And while I do like this girl, I do not support their relationship I feel it needs to be put on hold until the divorce.

My issue is, they have only been seeing each other a month, and I am feeling jealous that she gets to spend so much time with my nephew when I used to babysit all the time-now she does. She is sending my MIL pictures of our nephew, emailing, etc.

I know I am being stupid, but it is frustrating and im not overly upset about it...more upset about the fact that it even bothers me!!

How would you feel?

steve- I have no issues with getting married, please read the question fully if your going to answer, or if my question is not clear I apologize.

Im wondering if it is normal to be feeling jealous/dissapproving or the new girlfriend. Nothing to do with my relationship with my fiance, I was just giving some background. Sorry for any confusion

Answer 1

Getting married is a big commitment, and all people normally feel a little uneasy over it. What you are feeling is normal, it is what you do about it that determines the judgment. I would suggest you sit down with your BF and talk to him about it honestly. Make sure you tell him it is just a feeling, and you can live with it. All married couples should get into a regular practice of talking things out, especially serious feelings. You'd be surprised how many bad feelings can be solved just by talking them out.

Answer 2

Been there, except it was my sister getting a divorce and getting remarried because she was pg before the divorce was final. Her second marriage was 8 years ago and I still don't think of the second husband as the brother that I saw in the first. He was not just some great guy, but in my mind when they married it was for life. Separation and divorce effect the whole family, especially if they are close. Give yourself time and remind yourself that you have to live with the brother's choices, you don't get any say in them. It is possible that this girlfriend will disappear, don't act like you knew it would happen, just help him with his son if he needs you. What ever you do don't discuss this with the people who you think of as second parents, they are going through a lot right now and you need to be positive for them also.

Answer 3

You don't say how you felt about your soon to be ex sister in law. I wonder if you are displacing some emotions around the break up of this marriage, and your relationship to her and to him as a family. I don't see this as stupid, I would wonder what in the world this new g/f is thinking moving in with a guy who is still married. I would have a hard time respecting either of them.

However, its not your life and its not any of your business. I don't mean to be harsh, but really you have to look at it this way. You don't have any control over what they are doing, wrong or right.

I wouldn't involve myself in the petty details of their lives, including sending out your pic's. They are simply pictures, and of no consequence when compared to family harmony. I would share your feelings with your fiance but make a determined effort to not get pulled into the family drama.

Don't be upset with yourself, its not stupid. Its natural to grieve over what should have been but isn't going to be now. Its normal for any family member to have regrets and grief over a failed marriage, especially since they just had a baby. The adults in his life have certainly failed him, and he is the one who will have to grow up with it. Be a good aunt, and don't voice an opinion on dad and the various "mom's" he will have in his life, but be supportive and nurturing for this little guy.

Answer 4

The exact same way girl! I would be hurt and jealous myself. When 2 people rush in a relationship that quick more than likely it won't work out. Unfortunately you have to support your brother in law. You could ask your brother in law if he minded that you had the little one with you a couple of days per week so you can get to know him. You could also say you wouldn't mine having him a couple evenings a week so they can go out together. This way you get time with him.