I'm really worried about one of my best friends. A few days ago she went out with a guy she's known for a while. He was quite pushy and they started doing stuff, but she explained that she didn't want to go all the way. He said that was fine and he wouldn't push her. He then asked her to turn around. She was wary but trusted him not to have sex with her and did as he said. He then had sex with her. She was very shocked but told me that once he'd started she felt the damage had been done and that even if she made him stop, she would still have had sex with him. So she didn't stop him and afterwards just went home. She's really upset about this but adament that she wasn't raped because she didn't stop him. I'm not sure because she didn't give her consent. It's difficult to talk to her about it because she gets hysterical, saying she refuses to be a victim. I love her so much and hate to see her like this. What do you think?
2007-06-12 05:12:11 · 48 answers · asked by Anonymous in Family & Relationships ➔ Singles & Dating
I'm not trying to force her to think that she was raped but she told me this to try and help sort it out. If she was raped I don't want to look back in a few years and think that I dismissed her
2007-06-12 05:21:36 · update #1
Sounds like she got nekid willingly when they were doing "stuff" as you say. So unless she explicitly said "NO!" it sounds like an invitation to have sex. I don't mean to be crass or insensitive but that's what the lawyers would contend if the case would ever go to trial. Sounds like a case of remorse rather than rape!
2007-06-12 05:24:04 · answer #1 · answered by KoolaidChemist 3 · 1⤊ 2⤋
I'm so sorry for you & your friend! Unfortunately, your friend was raped. She did not give her consent, and therefore she was raped. It doesnt matter if she tried to make him stop or not, because she never consented to sex. She made it crystal clear early on that she didnt want to have sex & he made it clear he understood, so there is no excuse.
She is only a victim if she lets him get away with it. By telling the police & punishing him for his crime, she can rise above what was done to her & avoid being a victim. If she lets him get away with it & does nothing about what was done to her, she will remain a victim forever.
Best wishes to the both of you. Your friend will be in my prayers. Your friend is lucky to have you as a friend. She will need you thru this difficult time.
2007-06-12 05:28:12 · answer #2 · answered by *Chika* 4 · 1⤊ 2⤋
Rape is a very strong word. If everything happened exactly as told here, then, yes, it's rape. But we don't have the guy's story, do we? Think about it.
They're on a date. They're making out. They're "doing stuff" apparently with her clothes (or at least her panties) off. At some point along the way, she says she doesn't want go all the way, and he agrees. But she's still there making out with him without her clothes on! How much time passes? What is said and done between "I don't want to go all the way" and the act of intercourse? Maybe he had reason to believe that she changed her mind, since she was cooperating? She didn't say, "No, this is wrong. I'm putting my clothes on and I want you to take me home now!" (That doesn't justify non-consensual sex, of course. But it does make me skeptical enough to want to get the other side of the story.) I dunno. It's also POSSIBLE that your friend simply regrets giving in and is not painting you a complete picture of how events unfolded? Is it POSSIBLE that she didn't make it clear that she did not want to have sex?
No matter what, your friend needs counseling to work through the situation. You are a good friend to care about her.
2007-06-12 05:36:27 · answer #3 · answered by historybuff33 3 · 1⤊ 3⤋
Your friend WAS raped.It doesnt matter if she said OK then said stop.Once she said no he has to stop.In my state,Illinois,a man can be sent to prison for not stopping if she says to.It is a womans body,and her choice.They used to say you cant rape the willing.Now they say listen to what she is saying.Tell your friend she should press charges against him.It sounds like she made herself clear saying no,over and over.This guy wouldnt take no for an answer and tricked her into a situation that suited what HE wanted.It is the same as if he had given her a roofie and had sex with her after she passed out.I cannot stress enough,a woman has the right to make a man stop,If he wont listen it becomes rape.It will make it tougher to prove rape because she "let it happen" but he should have respected her wishes from the start.
2007-06-12 05:25:15 · answer #4 · answered by john s 5 · 0⤊ 3⤋
Yes she was raped. It's sounds that she was unwilling to have sex, & he did it anyway. That's ENOUGH to make it a rape crime. There are too many men out there who feel they can do this to women. Don't let this guy get away with this. Anyway you slice it, he committed a crime. Rape should be taken seriously.
Help your friend to see that, in a loving way of course. Make sure she doesn't feel attacked when you talk with her cause she's already pretty upset about it happening in the first place.
Get a professional's advice or help. There are hotlines out there. counselors. Tell her even if she is a victim, she's not alone. There are many courageous women out there who have spoken up & brought justice to themselves. If she respects herself, she'd do that.
Good luck!
2007-06-12 05:22:59 · answer #5 · answered by Shannyn 2 · 0⤊ 3⤋
If she didnt want to have sex and told him so then she was raped. The problem here is going to be if she continues to say that she would have had sex with eventually and that she doesnt feel she was raped. You cant charge him with rape only she can. If she doesnt feel she was there is nothing you can do, until she comes around to it. The longer she waits the more difficult it will be to prosecute. The best you can do is warn your other friends who might want to invite this rapist over to their houses
2007-06-12 05:18:19 · answer #6 · answered by dave n 5 · 2⤊ 2⤋
Unfortunately in this situation it would be considered rape (in Ca) I'm pretty sure the requirements are the same for any other state. Look I know your friend feels terrible like in a way she was probably at fault for him not respecting her decision of no sex and then she found herself having sex with him, but you know what this guy knew she didnt want to. your friend never verbally gave a "yes" or acknowledged in some way that she wanted to be intimate. When we as females fear physicaly or mentally the male predetator it turns into unconsensual sex (rape) . There does not need to be slaps, punches, physical damage to be raped. If your friend at the time did not want to have sex and the guy menatally pushed her into it and she feared that if she stopped him things were going to go bad she was raped. Please let her know that it is not her fault, she needs to seek help from people that can help her cope with this. If she does not in will damage her relationship with others in the future. You can't keep inside or hide this feelings they come back to you to haunt. But first she needs to acknowledge that she was raped not until she does she will be in the road to emotional recovery. If she would go to the police, they would see it as rape. But i'm not sure if she wants to go that far, he actulaly deserves it. He should have respected her decision he should pay for it. See that is his weapon, not a gun, not a knife, but emotional and mental control. Hope your friend can understand and cope with her situation. Help her, Its nice to see a friend care so much for her friend... God Bless
2007-06-12 05:25:40 · answer #7 · answered by Alex 2 · 0⤊ 3⤋
yes that is rape, and he needs to face the consequenses, let your friend know that there is a difference between being a victim and acting like one. She needs to press charges against this guy, who knows, he might have done this before, or he might do it again, and it's possible he might be more violent about it the next time... I was raped when I was 14, and was so scared of the guy that i didn't say anything about it to anyone, it was several years before my mom found out, and that was because one of my best friends told her, but by then, it was too late to really do anything about it, so she needs to get it taken care of now, before it happens to someone else.
2007-06-12 05:19:11 · answer #8 · answered by Xotchil 2 · 1⤊ 3⤋
She was raped. If she told him she did not want to have sex and he had sex with her anyway she was raped. She should go and talk to a responsible adult and file charges so that he does not think that his actions were ok.
2007-06-12 09:44:45 · answer #9 · answered by Stephen B 1 · 2⤊ 1⤋
It sounds like date rape. When she said she didn't want to go all the way-that means she said no. No means no. My best advice is to find a hotline for rape victims. she really needs to talk to someone about this. My heart breaks for your friend because I know how she feels.
2007-06-12 05:17:27 · answer #10 · answered by SJM620 3 · 1⤊ 2⤋