I'd choose my kids over my husband....he'd choose me?!?!?

Question

My husband and I were watching the news and saw that there was a house fire about 20 miles from our home and the mom and the children got out but the dad died. My husband started talking to me about if that ever happened to us and he said, "If our house were on fire and I had to choose between you and our children I'd choose you. I'd definetely save you."

Now, maybe some women would be happy, but this angered me because our children are supposed to come first.

So I said, "are you out of your mind?"

and he said, "why? what would you do?"

and I said, "save our children! thats our job as their parents to protect them! are you insane? if you saved me and let our children die I'd never forgive you and Id probably just end up offing myself."

And he said, "wow. now I know where we stand."

Now he is angry with me. Am I wrong? Im upset with him because I feel parents should put the safety of their children first. Ugh. Advice please?!?!?!

Answer 1

While I agree with you, men are different. They think differently. I'd bet he's thinking the same thing that I saw typed above - that you're his only wife, but that there could be other children. It's a logistical thought process. You, however, like most of us women, are driven by emotion, and maternal instinct.

Neither one of you are wrong. Everybody's opinions are valid. But it will be hard for you to find out the reasons for his thoughts, because you exploded on him. If you want to understand how each other feels, you're going to have to apologize for lashing out like that, and he probably owes an apology as well. But think of how much closer you'll be.

Good luck!

Answer 2

AE Tank Flip-Flops B-Ball Shortz Earrings No Ring No School Single Some BFF's Funnel Cake Pizza Inside Beach Tennis Courtz Abercrombie Hollister Abercrombie AE Abercrombie Justice Hot Topic skirt Other

Answer 3

I think the correct answer is "I'd die trying to save you all."

You can't really say "who you'd save first." Where's the crisis (in this case, fire) located vs. where those needing "saved?" Could two parents together evacuate 3 or more children better than one by themselves??

What if you had 3 or 4 small children and only two arms? What if your children were at opposite ends of the house, and the fire was in the middle?? Which child would you save first?

Do you see how ridiculous questions like this are? We never know (nor should we) exactly what to do in emergency situations because rarely are they identical. Crisis thinking...not emotion...saves people in emergencies.

Please don't let an irrevelant, hypothetical question disturb your relationship. Your children are statistically more likely to be hurt by divorce than a house fire. (Not intended as a personal jab about your marriage, just an observation of statistics)

Answer 4

"MamaMia" and "cnsdubie" make some great points.

There is no way any of us can know exactly what we would do in a situation like this. So, other than making a family plan in case of emergencies (which, practically speaking, is always a good idea), there is no use in seriously discussing it...nevermind getting upset about it.

You and your husband, as parents and husband and wife, are the foundation of your family. Ideally (and obviously), you both should be sure you're safe first so you're fully available for your children. It's not unlike when you're on an airplane, and the attendant tells you that in the event of a drop in pressure, put the oxygen mask on FIRST before your child's. You have to be with it to be any good to them.

Tell him you love him as much as he loves you...this discussion is neither fair nor accurate in measuring the love you have for each other.

Give him a kiss and tell him to lighten up!

Answer 5

No, your not wrong in feeling the way you do. My husband said he'd get out the children first b/c he knows that I can take care of myself. Plus that's the first thing that would be going through our mind. GET THE CHILDREN OUT OF THE HOUSE! I, as the adult would rather be burned to death than have my babies die like that. As a parent you will sacrifice your own life to save your children. I think your husband is being a big baby about this and needs to get over it. At least know you that if this should ever happen you know where YOU stand. First thing would be to get your children out while your husband run's his for life. So sad, sorry.

Answer 6

My situation is a bit different but it may help. I married my husband in 1997 when my son was almost 10. I was a single mother from 1989 to 1997. During that time, even though my parents helped out alot with babysitting while I had to work, my son knew I would always be there for him, God willing. I talked to my son about death. I told him that only God taking me home to heaven could ever stop me from being there with him and loving him and telling him every day "I love you so much" and showing him my love and protecting him from harm. I understand this young mother's anger but unless the father has raised the children alone, he doesn't acquire the same kind or as much love as the mother does. My husband has had good times and bad times with my son over the past 10 years. I'm still protecting my son and his future by naming him as my beneficiary on my life insurance and on my husband's, since he has no children. I'm sure my husband would choose me over my son if it were life or death but my husband knows and accepts that I would choose my son. I told my husband "I love you, I would miss you, but to lose my son would be the end of my life anyway. I would be no good for you or anyone if I lost my son. I would be a drunk or a druggie until the day I died. I know suicide is a sin in God's eyes but I would pray for death every day." And THAT is why most mothers would choose their children. They grow in OUR bodies, not the fathers.

Answer 7

You are not wrong at all..Some men ( My x included) does not realize we would die for our children...However I know he would choose our kids and if he didn't he wouldn't have to worry about me any more cause like you said I would die right with them..You have ever right to be mad..I don't know you and I am mad for you...I am not one to say keep fighting however in this case stand your ground on this...

Good luck with this one...This is very upsetting to me..MEN!!!! 1 we just had a fire and none but me and my two boys were home my oldest was at school..My x well he wasn't there...All I thought about as them flames were coming in were my boys that is it !!! It was so scary.Maybe when hopefully never you have to live threw something like we did..his instincts would just kick in... I sure now mine did..I am still living it.The fire was just a week ago.We may not go home for a long time...I hope your husband realize soon just how important your children on..I am so sorry I went on..The fire thing just upsets me...

Answer 8

Job in the Bible lost everything, including all his children, and he only had his wife left, but he was able to start over. The story concludes, "The Lord blessed the latter part of Job's life more than the first, and he had 7 more sons and 3 more daughters." So it's not a selfish answer if you're thinking of starting over with the spouse that you love more than your own life. I think in the best case, the husband's answer is the best one. Show unconditional love to your spouse and save her and have a companion for the rest of your life that you can start over with. If the kids are so young that they can't run out of a burning house, then the man and wife are probably young enough to have more kids.

Answer 9

Your kids should come first, I agree. But I think this is just one of those lose-lose conversations that never end well. For instance, maybe your husband thought if he had said "Hell yeah! I'd save them for sure -- forget you!" (that's a little extreme, but you know what I mean) that you would be upset with him.

You know, like the whole "Does this dress make me look fat?" thing -- except on a far more serious topic.

He shouldn't have said, "now I know where we stand," tho. That just escalated the situation and made things worse (which men AND women tend to do in arguments, when they're upset). The best thing to do now is let it go, and just hope that A) neither of you ever have to make that decision and B) if you do, he knows where you stand.

Good luck!

Answer 10

No you aren't wrong. I would have had the exact same reaction.

He is probably angry because he feels that you love the children more than him. He is probably feeling like he is below them. I would simply explain to him that you don't love the children more than him, but differently. Also explain to him that you feel it is your job as their parent to protect them. And that you as an adult can open a window or find alternate route out of the house. That the children would be unable to open the window and to scared to find another way out of the house. Maybe if he sees if from a more logical point he will understand. Also, it may help to have a few fire drills that way everyone knows what they are suppose to do instead of trying to figure it out if it happens.

Hope this helped.