Our 14 year old daughter just lost her virginity help how do we get through, when she no longer listens?

Question

She has picked up smoking and hanging out with other girls that their parents don't care if they sleep over at their boyfriends all weekend. But, her home life is really great she just wants to believe that its the worst, like her friends lives. We gave up the option of me working so I could be a stay at home mom and raise them right. She feels we dont hear her or care for her feelings. When that is so far from the truth. Help and very concerned dad and mom.
Thank you any answers could hold a little glimmer of hope. If not for us maybe some other family with our same problem.

She picked up smoking after the loss of her grandfather and three close friends then she started hanging out with other girls that their parents don't care if they sleep over at their boyfriends all weekend. But, her home life is really great she just wants to believe that its the worst, like her friends lives. We gave up the option of me working so I could be a stay at home mom and raise them right. She feels we dont hear her or care for her feelings. When that is so far from the truth. Help and very concerned dad and mom. We tried therepy she only got worse. Looking for therpist now.
Thank you any answers could hold a little glimmer of hope. If not for us maybe some other family with our same problem.

Answer 1

Lady there is a hope for your daughter and someone who can heal your pain so you can help her when she opens her eyes and realize how much she is hurting herself Jesus is the answer pray for her with all your might that is your daughter and i know you love her get on your knees and pray before the Father ask him to save your daughter from herself and whatever has her in bondage matter of fact i am praying for your daughter to please cry no more tears cause God will do it and mistakes is the best teacher

Answer 2

Yes, there is a glimmer of hope.

First you need to come to realize that you are her mother and not her friend and that in the next few years you will be the enemy and that she may hate you.

Then what ever you do you need to START RIGHT NOW!! Do not wait... NOW!!!

Stop her from hanging out with the kids you do not like. ANYWAY YOU CAN!!!.

It might be a good thing that you do not work. It will give you all the time you need to follow her around 24 hours a day. If it comes to it drop her off and pick her up from school.. If school becomes a problem then home school her. Make her an A student either with your help or with a tutor.

Since she has had sex, have her go on the pill. It sucks to have to do that but trust me it is better then her having a baby at 15.

No matter what you say to her, to her, her home life sucks and there is nothing really that you can do to change that. She will think different the older she gets.

Yes, she will hate you but in the end either she will understand that you as her parent love her and did what was best or in the end she will hate you and you will know you did what was best. Either way she will be safe, not on drugs, in jail or pregnant.

Answer 3

I can tell you as a teenager myself that the reason i haven't gotten into any of that is because i dont have the chance to. (not that i've ever really tried) but my parents monitor us pretty closely. and especially now i think you should do the same. make sure you know exactly where she is at all times and who shes with as well. if she's only 14 and can't drive then how does she get to places where she can hang out with these girls? ...make sure you let her know that you want her to talk to you and that you'll listen. Make sure you tell her how much you love her all the time...even if it doesnt' seem like she wants to hear it, she does. She's obviously gotten in with the wrong crowd and if shes only 14 then there's def. time to get her back on the right track. Also make sure she knows there are consequences to her actions. Some parents don't have the whole discipline thing clear with the kids, i think its important that everyone know exactly what will happen when they do certain things. good luck. Hope I helped a little.

Answer 4

Unfortunately, today's society does not make it easy for parents. Also, have you talked to the parents of these other girls and asked them why they allow it. Perhaps its because they gave up. Offer to form a support group where you can work together to solve the problems.

You can start by having your daughter draw a pie chart. Divide the chart into 78 slices. Color in the first 18. She her that this is how much time you have control over her life, while the rest of that is where she can do what she wants, once she is an adult and living on her own. Until than, life is a dictatorship and you are Sadam.

Mark number 30 on the chart. That is how old Jesus was before he was old enough to leave home and make his own decision. Is she smarter than Christ?

Remind her that being home and in bed by a proper time has benefits beyond obeying you. All growth and development takes place at night, and only at night, while sleeping. What I tell young men is not getting proper rest can result in their tally whacker not being as long as it could have been.

Answer 5

I don't have a 14 year old but I was one and I have been there. I only can tell what I would have like my mother to be. We are not the best friends unfortunately...I would have liked her to become my friend. I didn't want to listen to what I have done wrong. That really never came through my ears. I was very passionate person so my mom's generation was obviously old for me. I thought I knew better. I made mistakes. But I learned from them. I wish instead of "How can you do such a thing?" she would say "What do you think would be a right thing to do?" or "Do you think this would be a great idea?" I wish she spent more time with me going to museums, concerts, etc. I know that you have done this. But! - do you criticize her a lot? How do you state your opinion? I don't really know how to answer your question, but may be remembering and thinking about what you would have liked when you were a teenager?

Answer 6

Do you have a church? The pastor or priest could help.

You may have to get control before things get better, but, if you take that approach, it'll be lots worse before it gets better.

She can not go the houses of people who smoke and you will want to limit her time with the other girls. If you know who the boy is, consult police or lawyer about whether he's broken the law. You might go to visit his parents if you think it's safe.
Take her to the doctor for AIDS/VD testing and arrange for birth control--something once or month or less often. Condoms require the boy's self-discipline, which he seems to be lacking in general.

If she wants to talk about her feelings, listen and reflect back what's she said. Look up "Active Listening" for guidelines. Do not argue or act hurt about her feelings. At other times, you can argue or express hurt for her actions toward you.

Good luck.

Answer 7

It is a phase that every teenage girl goes through. You do need to sit and talk to her, (be sure to listen too, or she will not hear anything you say). Tell her that the reason you have to be more strict with her, is because you have seen what happens to girls that do not have parents that care. Tell her that there may be times that she feels that you are doing or saying things to her because you are just being mean. Tell her that if you did not love her and care what happened to her, you would not even worry about what she does. Tell he that your major concern is that she does not have to be tied down with a child, when she should be enjoying going places and doing things with her friends.

Continue to say no when you have to, and realize that there are times when she will say that she hates you. When she does, tell her that you still love her, and will always love her no matter what she does or says.

Just be sure to reassure her every time she does something, whether it be good or bad, that your love is unconditional. When you have to punish her, or restrict her from doing something, tell her that you are doing it because you love her.

Mine used to say that she thought I sat up at night and thought about things to make her miserable. I told her, that I didn't have time for that, because I was too busy worrying that she would end up in trouble, or make a mistake that I could not help her through.

Both omy daughter and son turned out fine. They both say that they wonder how I was able to put up with them, because they were both very adventurous. My daughter now has a teenager of her own. She is still calling me for advice. My son is only 19, but he now realizes that everything I did,I did for his own good.

The other day, my daughter called me and said, "Mom, my worst fears have come to past." I, worried, ask her what was wrong. She said, "I have turned into you. Today, I found myself telling my daughter the same things that you used to tell me!!" I didn't tell her, but it was one of the proudest days of my life!!

See good things do happen!! Good luck. No matter what happens, never give up!! They will turn out just fine in the end, as long as you have been there to love and guide them.

Answer 8

i AM NOT SURE ANY MORE, BUT I THINK THE LIBRARY HAS CD'S OR TAPES YOU CAN USE TO WATCH WITH HER CONCERNING DISEASES, CHILDREN HAVING CHILDREN, ETC..
ALSO CONTACT YOUR LOCAL JOB AND FAMILY SERVICES, THEY ALSO MAY HAVE MATERIALS YOU CAN USE. THEN YOU MIGHT GET HER CLOSE TO SOMEONE WHO HAS HAD A CHILD AT AN EARLY AGE, WHO HAS A RUN-AWAY-BOYFRIEND AND GIVES NO HELP WITH CHILD AND PUTS THE BURDEN ON THOSE WHO LOVE HER. TRUE, AS PARENTS WE ACT AS SUCH, BUT ALSO, WE SHOULD TRY EVERY DAY TO ALSO BE A FRIEND TO THEM. TEENAGERS WILL TALK TO OTHERS AND NOT PARENTS, WHY??? THEY LISEN AND DO NOT CONDEM THEM. THERE IS ALOT LEFT OUT IN YOUR QUESTION, BUT I UNDERSTAND IT. TEENAGERS LOVE HAS ALOT TO DO WITH BEING ACCEPTED IN THEIR"CLICK" SO TO SPEAK..I KNOW IT WILL BE HARD, BUT I SUGGEST YOU STAY CALM AND TRY TO HAVE A SIT DOWN AND LISTEN TO WHY SHE FELT SHE "HAD" TO TAKE SUCH AS LEAP INTO HER FUTURE. I MIGHT ASLO SUGGEST YOU BOTH SIT DOWN AND TALK TO EACH OTHER ABOUT YOUR DAYS AS A TEENAGER AND MAYBE YOU CAN BOTH REMEMBER THE PRESSUERS YOU WERE UNDER AND HOW YOU FELT TOWARDS YOUR PARENTS AT CERTAIN TIMES. I AM SORRY TO SAY, GROUPS OF THOSE CHILDREN YOU SPEAK OF WILL BE AROUND AFTER WE ARE GONE
THEN THERE ARE DRASTIC MEASURES, SEARCH FOR DEFORMED CHILDREN BORN TO TEENAGERS WHO SMOKE, DRINK, TAKE DRUGS, AND ABORTION, THE EFFECTS IT HAS ON THE 14 YEAR OLD. INFORMATION IS A KEY WORD, THE MORE ALL OF YOU HAVE TOGETHER, THE MORE YOU MAY TALK TOGETHER AND NOT BE JUDGEMENTAL..SLEEP OVERS WITH A BOYFRIEND IS A NO-NO. HOUSE HAS RULES MADE BY PARENTS AND THEY MUST BE FOLLOWED, YOU PAY FOR HER KEEP, NOT HER YOURS. I WOPULD SUGGEST YOU EXPLAIN THIS TO HER, IF SHE HAS A CHILD, WHERE IS SHE GOING TO LIVE, SUPPORT A CHILD WITH NO FATHER FOR THE CHILD, USING EXPLANTION OF HOW IMPORTANT IT IS FOR EDUCATION, THAT ALSO MEANS US PARENTS. I DON'T KNOW IF YOU BELONG TO A CHURCH, BUT YOU MAY HAVE HER TALK TO YOUNGER CHURCH PEOPLE AND A DIFFERENT WOMAN FIGURE, OTHER THAN YOURSELVES, TO GIVE YOU INSIGHT.
COUNSELING IS A DIFFRENT APPRAOACH, AMYBE YOU COULD INVITE A WOMAN FIGURE TO YOUR HOME, NO MEN ALOUD, AND TALK. TELL HER YOU WOULD LIKE TO LISTEN TO HER AND UNDERSTAND. GET READING MATERIALS AND JUST LET THEM LAY AROUND OUT IN THE OPEN, MAYBE SHE MIGHT PICK ONE UP WHEN YOUR NOT WATCHING. WE HAVE LOST A SON IN 1993, JEFF WAS 32, AND A DAUGHTER THIS LAST FALL, SHE WAS 44, NOW WE HAVE A DAUGHTER LEFT. WE HAVE CUSTODY OF A GRANDSON WHO IS 9, HE HAS Cornelia De Lang Syndrome and Autism plus ADHA.you can go on-line and get all kinds of materials for free mailed to you about birth defects.
ACERTAIN AMOUNT OF FEAR CAN WORK IN A GOOD WAY. I'LL KEEP YOU IN MY PRAYERS, AND GOOD LUCK..

Answer 9

You should try to be as personable as you can with your daughter. She needs someone responsible she can relate with, who better than her parents?

I was in foster care and group homes from age 11 to 18, due to a deminishing relationship with my parents. The more they punished me, the more I wanted to rebel. I'm 23 now and looking back on it, I wish they would have at least tried to relate with me and the things I went through as a teen.

Try to be approachable and understanding to anything that may arise. It will mean the world to her, whether she shows it or not. Be flexible, but don't compromise your values and beliefs as a parent. Ask for advice from others as often as you need to. Outside support is so important for you AND your daughter.

Answer 10

Whether you stay at home or work..your children will do what they want if they have made up their minds. Most kids do today no matter what. I have seen the most perfect parents today have loving homes and their kids give them HELL and disobey them. You do the best you can ..I had my share of grieve with my son at 15 even though I gave it my best raising him.The girls will still do their own thing but they tend to hide it better than the boys do. You get huge goosebumps later on in the years after they tell on each other what they did behind your back ! I beat myself black and blue in the back asking "where did I fail" and a Godly man on the radio said "Parent's quit beating on yourself asking where did I fail ..God is the best parent in the whole world and just look at his kids (us). We r bad , and He (God is a perfect Father). I felt better. Just keep on guiding them them pray for them and give them lot's of love and encouragement.

Answer 11

im in the same situation, only in your daughters eyes. losing her virginity, its sumthing that happens, nobody will stop that, every group of kids has that peer pressue, the smoking is what really makes me feel that she has a problem. there is very little peer pressure to smoke at this age anywhere. a good way to go is couciling, & maybe you will never know why she did it, but he will help her stop. i smoke & dont want to quit @ 14, but i have since i was 11 & yeah life sux but get her help before it gets worse cuz i have done worse than smoking