Husband cheating on me with another soldier in Iraq?

Question

came across my husbands email and phone account because we got charged twice and I called the company to get it worked out and they reffered me to the account online. I have come to find that my husband has been calling and emailing a woman who is also in Iraq and who used to be stationed with him. In one of the emails he mentions missing hearing her scream his name. I am in utter shock, disbelief, heart broken right now. I have not talked to my husband in days because they have supposedly been on blackout. I was able to view his call logs as well and he calls the other woman way more than he even calls me. I can't wait till he calls so that I can let him know that I know. What is the best way to go about dealing with this? He's already been home on randr and I would have never in my life thought he would cheat on me or has. I came across this all on accident. Im feeling so lost right now. Obviously we need to get a divorce because my trust for him is broken.

What do I do? How do I deal with this? I'm 21 and he's 23 and we will be celebrating our 2 year anniversary on July 1st. Im so lost and confused. Im hurting so bad right now. He comes home in Oct. but until then Im so hurt that I want our realtionship over. I've been 100% faithfull and have been dealing with the stress of deployment and now I get hit with this?!

Answer 1

What I am about to say doesn't justify him. But when you 2 got married it was until death do you part. Married couples face problems like this alot and other problems too. I think that when you get married you find yourself forgiving alot more than you ever dreamed. Being a christian means forgiving everyone even those who and especially those who hurt us the most. I know this type of thing is VERY hard to forgive. Ask God to guide you in making the right descisions. And pray for your husband every day. You know what is worse than you being upset with him, the fact that he has to deal with God! Alot of times my husband upsets me and I upset him too. But I have to remind myself that we have to deal with God. God's rath is worse than our own. I have to say I know a few people that this has happend to and they are still together now because they had seeked God and forgave each other. Now maybe your situation is different. Maybe he doesn't want to be with you, maybe he does. I don't know. But I do know that with God all things are possible. I struggle alot because my husband isn't near as forgiving as I am. But I believe we were put together to help each other with our weaknesses. If you ever have any questions or just want to vent or anything feel free to email me please. [e-mail]

Answer 2

Don't make any life altering decisions while you're mad! I know you're hurt and confused and angry but don't go on that first gut instinct because sometimes it's not what's best for your life. Please take some time to talk with someone, the chaplain, counselors, friends and family and take some time to find where your life should take you before you decide whether your marriage is repairable or needs to end.

Included are a couple of articles that I've come across in my years as a Navy wife that really address this issue.

Answer 3

Contact your rear detatchment Commander and request to speak to the rear detatchment Chaplain. Tell the Rear-D commander that you have a personal problem and that it would be best to speak with the Chaplain. Explain the situation to your Chaplain. It is the Chaplain's responsiblitiy to notify your husbands Chain of Command.

Your Husbands Chain of Command should talk to him and Counsel him on what is going on. The Counseling should inform your Husband of the situation and that you felt concerned enough that you have decided to reach out for help through his units chaplain. Ask your chaplain to see if there can be VTC (Video TeleConference) Counseling so that you can work this out with the both chaplains present.

Don't be suprised if your Husband gets mad when he finds out that you went to the Army before you went to him. He'll get over it. But be prepared for it.

If the Rear D Chaplain doesn't help go back to the Rear D Commander explain to him the situation with the Chaplain and how he isn't helping you and request that he contact a Chaplain from a higher HeadQuarters on post for assistance.

From the detail you have given, your Husband has only insinuated a past relationship with this soldier. If the relationship occurred after you were married he may be subject to the UCMJ (Uniform Code of Military Justice) Action. If prior, then he needs to understand that his actions are causing his family undue stress and that he need to take action (preferable in the form of terminating communication with this other soldier & start marriage counseling for the two of you).

Good Luck,

Answer 4

I am really sorry that this happened to you. I agree with you that he could never regain your trust - nor does he deserve to. If you are near a base there are a lot of support groups for wives of deployed servicemen that can help. Or if you have the phone number of his unit's Command Sargent Major's wife - she would be a good person to talk with. A military chaplain is also an excellent person to talk with - they are trained to deal with these types of situations and see a lot of them. If you are not close to a base then a priest, as always, is good to talk with. If you have a close relative or girlfriend talk with them - because keeping this all inside of you is not good for you. I know it sounds trite but its best that you found out about his true character now and not 10 or 20 years down the road. I hope that there are no children involved - it is a blessing if there are not. You are right, however, a divorce is you best course of action to heal and restore yourself mentally and emotionally. God bless you.

Answer 5

First, take a DEEEEEEEP breath.
Second: nothing can be done until he returns to the States.
Reason is is that no court will grant a divorce while a servicemember is deployed.
Third: gather all evidence you have, and make multiple copies. Keep ONLY one copy in the house. Send other copies to people that you trust not to open the envelope.
Fourth: when he returns, wait 30 days, then file. Reason: hitting him with papers as soon as he returns is a social no-no.
Fifth: get yourself some counseling by calling MilitaryOneSource. They'll set you up with a counselor in your area. First 6 sessions are free.

Answer 6

First I just want to say that my heart goes out to you. You seem to be taking this a lot better than most people would. With all the advice people have replied with, I would have to agree with CPT A.B, As being a military wife myself it really would be the better way to approach the situtation.

God be with you and I really hope that you can work this situtaion out. If you both can't, just know that YOU gave it all that you could and that when you put your all into the relationship you deserve the same back.

Answer 7

I am so sorry this is happening to you- the same thing happened to me. You deserve someone better trust me and you will find them in time. Go through with the divorce and move on with the Life you deserve. It will be hard but you can get through it. So come off as a strong woman you will find a great man someday.
good luck

Answer 8

I am amazed by how many people are telling you to talk to him about what you know and try to work things out. I can not believe that people condone someone cheating on their wife or husband for that matter. I don't care who you are, where you are and what sitaution you are in, it is ADULTRY and it is not acceptable.

I have not been in your sitaution before but I do understand how you feel. He has betrayed you and the worst part is that now you know and he is no where near you for you to discuss his actions.

I agree with a lot of these answers though, you should contact the MP and discuss what your options are.
If I was you I would avoid all contact from your husband until he returns home from Iraq. Let him wonder what is going on.

When he returns home greet him at the airport with divorce paperwork. Don't say a word to him just give him the papers and leave.

Answer 9

It is an awful thing to discover, I know from personal experience.
Confront him calmly, yes, that part can be hard. You will find you have more control over your words, and also an advantage if he gets upset.
Also, talk with your pastor about it, for a couple reasons.
1. confidentiality
2. help with emotions and perhaps a solution such as counseling.
Confide in a trusted friend if you must talk about it, but not the whole neighborhood.
Flaming him will not solve the problem.
Blessings and prayers your way.

Answer 10

I know this may not be too consoling, but I'll let ya know what I went thru. I have never been married, so I do not know exactly what you are going thru, but it was a little similar. I had a boyfriend who was in the army when the whole desert storm thing 1st started. He was alright until he went overseas. Most people in the army seem to have a different way of seeing things when it comes to marraige & fidelity. They see it perfectly acceptable to have an extra-marital sexual affair when they are overseas. It's crazy over there, they are in a place where they face the possibility of death every day. They see dead bodies, see their friends getting killed, and sometimes must take human lives often. They are lonely & afraid, and they say that sexual human contact helps them forget. I don't know what it's like to be in that situation, so sometimes I feel guilty for feeling the way I do and thinking that it is wrong. But I'm not there, I'm here in the US, and here it is still wrong.

When he got back from overseas, he was just changed... He kept the same ways that he was taught were acceptable over there and tried to tell me I should be there for him even though he just couldn't be with just me anymore. He lashed out on me emotionally and was just unbearable to be around anymore. I had to let him go when he became so verbally abusive that he basically found excuses to yell at me until I cried every time we were alone together. I couldn't deal anymore. And when I cut him off, I felt like I abandoned him. He used to blame his behavior on army life, stress, reactions to vaccinations, and that sickness that a lot of soldiers in desert storm got from being exposed to small doses of nerve gas.

So what he is doing is not your fault, its nothing you did wrong. Just think about the situation before you do anything. He may very well love you, but is lost somewhere in the twisted logic that runs overseas soldier's lives. I would just wait until he gets back to tell him that you know this is going on. If you tell him now, how is he going to take it when he actually realizes that he has really screwed up? Is he going to try & hurt himself??? Is it going to distract him to the point to where he may not be able to do his job correctly? Please don't put yourself thru that guilt if something should happen to him.

I know you love him because you are so upset at what is going on. There will be no easy decisions. If you love him, confront him in person and see what he says. Then, if you still want to try and mend things, see a marraige counselor. If you cannot, then he will have to deal with the consequences of his bad judgement, but deal here in the US, where he will not have to face death at every turn.

I'm sorry you are going thru this.