My girlfriend had an abortion before she met me?

Question

We've been dating for two months and she just told me about this. For some reason I'm freaked out and very upset about it. I'm not sure I look at her the same. Will time heal it or should I end it with her?

Answer 1

It is very hard to find out something awful about someone you thought you knew so well. I have some experience with this...

After I had been dating my boyfriend for a year, I told him some things about myself that he didn't know, some things about my past that I regretted. I didn't lie about it, there was just never a good time to tell him. Anyway, he was very hurt and we almost broke up over it. We talked about it, cried about it, and ultimately I told him that if he couldn't look at me the same that we should break up. I left the choice completely up to him.

Well, he decided that he loved me despite my mistakes. He chose to stay with me. That was 12 years ago. We have been happily married for eight years now and we have 3 wonderful kids.

You need to decide if you feel strongly enough for this girl to love her despite her mistakes. No one is perfect. Everyone has done things they regret. But if you feel that you can't love a person who has done what she has, then you need to move on and let her find the guy who will.

The WORST thing you can do is tell her you understand, tell her it is okay, and then change your mind down the road. If you decide you are okay with it, you need to mean it and don't ever hold it against her.

Answer 2

You should not judge her for what she has done in the past. You can only know her for who she is now. You have only been dating her for 2 months.... you are still in the getting to know each other phase. Is there anything in your past you are afraid to tell her? See how you feel in a couple of weeks and you will probably not even give her abortion a second though. But then if you don't feel like you could ever get passed it then let her go. Just don't make a hastey decision that you may regret later.

I should add that I am strongly against abortion. But my best friend has had one. I don't judge her for it and I also know that I would have missed out on 12 years of great times with her had I cut her from my life when she did it.

Answer 3

Well, all the time in the world isn't going to change the fact that she's had an abortion. You're going to have to figure why it's freaking you out so much and whether it is something you can get over or is it really something that's going to freak you out all the time (I'm not sure why you're upset about it...). Do you really care about this girl? If it is going to be something that always bothers you, you should get out of the relationship now and don't keep carrying it on any longer.

Answer 4

I can't imagine why you needed that information. You should use this as a learning experience. Those who declare that there are to be no secrets at all from each other are headed into big trouble. This is never so obvious as when one cheats. If you cheat and truly repent and want the relationship to continue, you'll carry this in silence as your own cross to bear. It's selfish to tell the other no matter how much you want forgiveness because you lessen your own burden but place it on the other, innocent party. In the same manner what's in the past, especially past relationships (and this abortion falls into this category), should stay in the past. A current romantic interest doesn't want to hear about it, and it can only detract from the relationship. Those who disagree with this only go and wreck their current relationships with such "honesty."

Learn the lesson and learn it well, regardless of what you decide to do with this relationship.

Answer 5

Everybody has a past that can't be changed.

If it bothers you that much, and she's worth something to you, you two need to talk about it. Otherwise, accept responsibility for your feelings towards it and acknowledge that you are not comfortable with her now that you know that bit of information about her past, and end it accordingly.

Good luck!

Answer 6

Why does that concern you? It wasnt your baby and it was her choice. You dont have to like it or agree with it, but what does that have to do with the two of you?
Im sure she had her reasons, but it was before your time. Abortions are legal so although you have strong feelings for it, she hasnt done anything legally wrong.
You two can just discuss youre opinions about the matte... wheres shes coming from and where youre coming from... then leave it at that.

Answer 7

It is very possible that you have lost respect for her. She is probably most likely telling you this for acceptance reasons, (she is still struggling with what she did and wants someone to actually talk her into knowing that it is okay.) You should evaluate the reasons that she is telling you this. Is it because your serious and she needs to tell you or is it because she is struggling with it herself. You are not going to be able to fix it or her.

Answer 8

It depends on what you want for her. If you want her to be happy or whether you want what's best for you. If in those two months you feel like she and you can be together for a very long time; don't leave her. Tell her that you understand and you're willing to work with her to deal with it. If you do leave her, you could be giving her the idea that she's not good enough for anyone else. (When really she could be with anyone else.) So ask yourself how special is she to you.

Answer 9

The freaked out feeling you have is normal. Don't ever marry a woman who would kill her unborn child. She is a selfish woman who places her own wants above her own child. You don't want to be with a woman like that.

Answer 10

I don't think time will make you forget what she's done, especially if you know that it is the wrong thing to do and she may not agree. You need to decide now if you're able to handle having a serious relationship with someone who was able to abort a child.