Sexual Abuse - Help & Advice?

Question

A close family member has just told me they were abused as a child by a family friend when they were between the age of 8 & 14. This was 6 - 12 years ago as he is 20 now. What should I do for the best. I really am in such a dilema. I totally believe them, however dont know what to do. Is it the Police, GP, or what ?
Thank You
Clair

HI all, thank you for the advice, it wasnt me this happened to, however the person does want to talk to the police. I however am worried as it being such a long time ago and no witnesses etc... nothing would be done. He is very angry at the minute and talks of violence towards the person, which I understand, but that wont help.
The abuser has a child on the way now and I think that is how it came out now.

Thank You all so much for your advice. I am going to speak to his Mental Health Worker before I do anything else. I really did not realise how common this is, and how likely it is that other children have been abused by this same person. I have also known the abuser since he was 2 years old and its a very awful position for me although I firmly belive he should be punished.

Answer 1

You are in a tough spot, and i would try and convince the victim to report to the police himself as they can give more detailed information. If the victim won't report and you end up deciding to do it yourself, be sure to tell the victim and give them the option before you report to go with you or do it themself before you do. You want to empower a victim wherever possible. For me, the choice is easy-I'm a mandated reporter and I'd report it without hesitation. (The police is the appropriate authority as it is an extrafamilial perpetrator-otherwise it would be reported to CPS).

Let me just share a little information with you that may help you make a decision ultimately, as I realize that your relationship with the victim may be in jeopardy if they refuse to report and you decide you must do it anyway. Perhaps some of this may be helpful to share with the victim as well.

Perpetrators NEVER stop unless they are caught and I say this with absolute certainty. I am a trained facilitator for community "awareness" sessions that help adults and parents recognize warning signs of adults who prey on children in order to increase prevention efforts and reporting of suspicious behavior. One perpetrator, if not caught, can literally molest 100's of children over the course of their lifetime and while not every perpetrator is this prolific, it is not uncommon unfortunately. Males who were sexually abused as children are 17X more likely than the general population to attempt suicide. I could quote a lot of statistics, but suffice it to say that the impact is usually devastating and your family member should be encouraged to seek counseling. Also, be aware that the majority of child sexual abuse is perpetrated by people known to the child-89% in fact-so the probability that the guy who did this is still molesting other kids in the neighborhood/family is quite high.

Okay, on a personal note, I'll tell you a story about the last case I reported. The girl was about 16 and both her and her Mom asked me not to report (and I later discovered that the therapist they saw previously did not report the abuse as they are mandated to do). I empathised with the Mom and her daughter and explained i had no choice as I have a legal and moral obligation to report this as the person posed a danger to the community. I called the police and reported it and I later learned that the man I reported, who was a close family friend of the Mother and her circle of other parents, was molesting every child in this tight-knit group of parents and no one knew until the police became involved. In total, 17 other kids had been victimized. I thanked my stars for the mandated reporting laws which over rode my immediate concern for the victim's wishes and made me report it without hesitation. The police took it very seriously and all this transpired withing 3 days. True story.

I feel for your situation-it's a tough call and I hope you can get the victim to go with you to the police so as not to jeopardize your relationship with him, but the implications may be far larger than you may imagine. Good luck-my heart is with you!


Added:
Just saw your additional info and I absolutely encourage you to report if the victim is willing and wants to-it will empower him and give a healthy outlet for his rage and help him heal to know he is doing what he can to protect other children at risk (which they are). Report it to your local sheriff or the state police-your family member may even be able to sue for damages as I believe there is a 7 year statute of limitations for the civil suit (tho that may vary by state) and I do not think a criminal statute applies. I'll see what I can find out regarding that, but your best bet would be to ask the police yourself-empower your family member to make the call or go with him-you now have nothing whatsoever to lose by reporting and so many young lives that could be changed as a result!

Added again:
Information on the Law, Definitions and Reporting Guidelines:
http://www.smith-lawfirm.com/mandatory_reporting.htm
Information on Civil Statutes by State:
http://www.smith-lawfirm.com/statutestable.html
Good Luck!!!!

Answer 2

Because you used the GP term for a doctor, I assume you are in the UK. Suggest starting at this website, http://www.aest.org.uk/

Other than that, let the person talk. Also, touch the person - a casual pat, a bump as you walk past, it does not have to be blatant. Often we are left feeling that somehow we are dirty and people will see us as dirty. Someone touching us can help with this.

Try not to push too hard, they must take action for themselves and not feel that they are being pushed to "FIX" something about themselves, again this can cause the feeling that they are somehow - at fault.

If the situation allows, point out that at age 8 they he no say in what happened and that abusers are highly skilled manipulators. Point out that he is now 20 and can not put him self back in the mindset he had when he was 8 and therefore he should not second guess what actions he did or did not take back then. He was a child and therefor none of it was his fault.

There are a lot of us out here. We would all wish him well.

Answer 3

Speaking as an ex-social worker and been in this situation with friends also, you need to let him keep control of any action as much as possible. Informing anyone without his permission should only be a last resort.

What it is important to discuss with him is whether there are any children now or in the future still at risk from this individual ? This would be helpful for you both to consider the purpose and motivation of reporting it or seeking support for the many possible after effects.

If there are children still at risk then urge him to report this with your support for the sake of those children. A call or visit to either Social Services or the Police would be the way to do this, they work very closely on these matters. They would then make enquiries with the children's schools and/or families to investigate, keeping your involvement confidential from those concerned at all times. If there's no immediate risk social services would ask the schools to keep a long-term eye on the children and their behaviour.

If there aren't children still at risk, slow down go at his pace with your solid support. Re-inforce regularly that it wasn't his fault and do things to boost his self-esteem. Generally, men are less comfortable confiding in people about abuse, you must be very trusted and special remember that.
Specialist counselling and support groups are available if that's what he wants. Your local Rape Crisis Centre is a very good place to ring up and ask whats available in your local area. He may not want that or be ready to cope with that as yet especially as it can bring a lot of emotion to the surface that was once repressed. There is an excellent book you could buy him as a means of self-help called 'The Courage to Heal Workbook' by Laura Davies is a bible in the field...and there's a companion book for yourself called 'Allies in Healing'.

If or when he did want to prosecute, specially trained police would take statements from all concerned and send the file to the Crown Prosecution Service who would consider whether there is enough evidence, enough likelihood to gain a conviction and whether he is up to a court cross-examination before deciding whether to proceed with a prosecution...they don't always.

I hope this helps and I hope things work out. It is such a dilemma, you've done the right thing in seeking advice and focus.

Answer 4

You should encourage them to get help, they still can go to the police and file charges the statute of limitations is 7 years. At least that was what I was told when first started talking about my flashbacks when was 16 and it happened to me when I was 6. So tell them not to wait too long. But therapy would be a good idea to help over come all of the feelings that are associated with sexual abuse. Anger is really a common feeling for people to feel about this they are angry at themselves for not "stopping" it, angry at the abuser for violating them, just all around angry.

So go to the police and see what they can do to help and look for a therapist.

I hope that this helps your family member if you share this information.

Let them know that they are not alone in what happenend and most importantly it is not their fault. It was wrong and should have never happened to them. Sexual abuse happens to both genders not just one...

Answer 5

It was prob extremely hard for him to tell you, so first thing to do is to tell him that you believe him and that it's ok, not his fault and he did well telling you - thank him for telling you. It might seem obvious that it wasn't his fault etc. or like it's not necessary to tell him that cos he's an adult now, but he's thought about telling someone and what would happen if he did since he was 8 years old and he's probably been dreaming of telling someone n them telling him everything will be ok since then, and at the same time terrified that he'll be laughed at or told he's a liar - he needs his good dream to come true.

After that, well, he's an adult now so the best thing you can do is help him to have the courage to do what he wants to do about it and to find the support he needs to come to terms with what's happened to him a bit - if it stopped when he was 14 then there will be no physical evidence so he can take his time to go to the police when he's ready if that's what he decides to do - obviously the likelihood of the looser doing that to another kid is gonna affect this decision quite a lot, but he deserves justice for himself too if he decides that's what he wants to do.

There are organisations that will help people like him, although unfortunately they often only support people who's abuse was found out about when they were a child as they require social work referrals etc. (which he won't have as he's not gonna be taken into care or anything like that now that he's an adult!) and they are also often focused on woman - but there are organisations out there so don't give up! Help lines like the samaritans and childline are often a good place to start as they can help put you in touch with other organisations - venture scotland and fairbridge helped me a lot (I'm not sure if these are scotland only or not sorry) or mbe try the princess trust - at 20 he's not too old for things like this just yet. Also try to get him in touch with a councillor - you could look in the yellow pages or speak to his gp or your local social work - there will usually be free counselling available somewhere.

Just be gentle and patient when spkin to him about it - it will have been a huge thing for him to do to tell you and you're obviously a special person to him for him to have told you; so don't betray that trust, but with his permission tell someone else too - for your benefit too cos you can't deal with this on your own either. It's taken him this long just to get up the courage to tell you so he might wanna take it slow in deciding what to do next - just go at his speed and don't push him to do anything too fast. I'm guessin you're probably terrified n wanna help but dunno what to do for the best - you are helpin just by being there for him.

Hope some of that helps - good luck xxxxx

Answer 6

Hi Clair, I was abused at the age of 3 and it continued intill the age of 11. Now the first abuse was a friend of my folks and the second time it was with my father, I tell you this because it will help answer the question. For the most part all your family member needs is for someone to listen to them and not judge them because for along time they have lived in shame and emotional denial untill recently and their mind has been playing games with them in a negative. I know that you want to make someone accountable to this but since it happen along time ago and this person is an adult now there nothing that the law will due. Advice would be to suggest that this individual would seek mental health professional to help them go thru the questions that they maybe asking themselves, this will also help them heal alot faster. This trauma takes years to over come, I have now have come to peace after 40 some years and just now feel free enough to be myself. I still have bouts with my attitude because of withdrawal pains of betrayal. You being their for him and listening will be the most beutiful way of getting thru this time of their lives. Because after all it is people like you that helps make the world a better place. I wish I would of had a friend like you when I was going thru my emotional pain. I am thanking you for all who have gone thru this trauma of sexaul abuse.

Answer 7

Abuse of a child manifests in many different ways, the name of the game is survival and most children will do whatever they need to do to survive. Including dissociation and pushing it back so far into their minds that they forget. People do not have flashbacks and nightmares for no reason they are the body and minds response to trauma (whatever the source may be). As children age and become safe in their lives for whatever reason (abuser dies, goes away, child goes to college, moves out on their own etc..) it becomes safe for the person to slowly remember. Some people experience flooding where an experience will come back all at once but most get it in pieces over many years. Don’t push yourself things will come back as it becomes safer. For your dad it is hard to hear that his baby girl was hurt, again self preservation kicks in, it’s easier for him to say no that couldn’t have happened then to think someone hurt his child. Different people in my family and among my friends had trouble believing me; others said “gee that makes a lot of sense about your behaviors and fears.” Your shrink may be inexperienced in dealing with trauma, or feeling like he has to walk the line beside your dad. But no matter what the reason you’re in therapy for something, gain what you can from it; things will come back when they do and when your 18 you’ll be able to make the choice of who you want to work with. Then you can pick someone who is supportive of your experience and will work with you in a way that will be healing for you. In the mean time there are plenty of people and support groups online, and perhaps you’ll find some people in your daily life that will believe you as well.

Answer 8

hun, you say he so assume talking about male. I know exactally how he feels. I was abused for 7yrs. There were no witnesses but the person got convicted and sentenced to jail and put on sex offenders list.

If there is a child on the way then they are at risk aswell. His behaviour is enough to prove what happened.

GO TO POLICE please!!! He may not be the only person it happened to and a sexual abuser will never stop and if there is a child living in the house then they are at extreme risk!! I was abused by someone who lived in my house.

Doesnt matter how long ago it was. There are many people who are convicted of rape 10 and 20ys after it happened.

He will need to see GP about councelling etc as it will affect him for the rest of his life!

PLEASE encourage him to go for himself and other children around!

Good luck!

Answer 9

you're friend needs to clarify everything in his own mind. Disclosure is a massive thing to go through, and he will need the support of people he trusts to make his next step decision.. encouraging him to disclose to someone else other than you is a good move, as it can be tough being the only recipient of news like this. (I had a friend who disclosed to just me years after the event.. after being told something like that you can also feel quite overwhelmed as the burden is passed on to you to some extent.)

I take it you are aware of the family 'friend'? you could voice your own concerns to the police or people you feel may be at risk from them, but you should not betray your family member's trust whilst doing this. Like I said before, encourage them to talk to someone else, whether it is someone professional or even just another friend.

Answer 10

you cant really do much other than convince the person that was abused to go to the police,if this has happened to him/her then u can be sure there there not the only ones it's happened to.Iit could be happneing in these days also so do what u can to convince then to come out and tell the police...if not then id sugest you go to the police.

good luck