My boyfriend and I have been living together for the past year and we've been together for two years. I expected that shortly after we moved in together, we'd get engaged. We've had the talk and he keeps saying it will happen "soon." Six months ago, he said we'd be engaged in six months and it still hasn't happened. He's unemployed at the moment, so I'm sure that's affecting things. But I really want to move forward with our life together and I feel like he's taking his time. What should I do?
2007-06-11 09:08:45 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous in Family & Relationships ➔ Weddings
Thank you all so much for your answers. You've really helped me put things into perspective. You're right, I need to chill out and just give him some time and space.
2007-06-11 10:33:42 · update #1
I had a similar situation and while I can't tell you this is the BEST way or even the way YOU should do it, what I did was I set out the ultimatum of 30 days.
I gave my BF 30 days to figure it out....he either produced a ring by the end of the month or I was out of there (as in done with the relationship - were NOT living together at the time).
Oh, and we were both in our late 30's and I decided that if he didn't know what he wanted by that time, he was never going to know.
I think part of your mistake was living with him first. What's the point of engagement/marriage at that point? Honestly, think about it. If he can have the "married" feeling without the serious commitment, why SHOULD he commit?
I wish you luck...you're going to need it.
2007-06-11 09:17:52 · answer #1 · answered by Brutally Honest 7 · 1⤊ 5⤋
Getting engaged is a big deal. My boyfriend and I have been living together for 3 years and aren't engaged yet. We talk about getting married quite often but neither of us are in a hurry. You can more forward with your life together without being married. My motto is the longer you wait the better, people get divorced so often now days that I want to be more than 100% bbefore I tie the knot. If you love each other just enjoy being together, worrying about getting engaged will only cause stress on your relationship. It will happen when the time is right.
2007-06-11 16:22:45 · answer #2 · answered by meggan 2 · 4⤊ 1⤋
To tell you the truth, he's probably (at least he should be) more worried about being unemployed than you are about not being engaged. That would be a more pressing issue to me than a girlfriend who wanted to get engaged. Besides, he knows that you'll be there for him anyway (you already made that commitment by moving in with him).
There's also a decent chance that he wants to be more financially stable before he proposes, which I can completely understand. Perhaps he's saving up for a ring?
To those who would say give him an ultimatum: yes, that's right, put even more pressure on him to sort out his life as opposed to being a supportive girlfriend and helping him one step at a time. That's how to win a man's heart and affection in the outlook for future conflicts (pick up the sarcasm there?).
You also didn't say if you had shared your expectations with him; was he aware that you wanted to get engaged soon? Try explaining to him (as you haven't to us) why you want to get engaged and why it's so important to you.
To those who would say "why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free": I just proposed last weekend to my girlfriend of 18 months after living with her for the last 7 months. No commitment there, huh?
2007-06-11 16:30:18 · answer #3 · answered by Anonymous · 3⤊ 1⤋
Are all your friends getting married? I ask this because my friends and I have been in similar situations in the past few years. I know how you feel! Don't feel pressured to get married and certainly don't pressure your boyfriend into it. If he's unemployed, he's not going to be able to afford a ring. I'm thinking you don't want an empty box, right? Trust me, don't pressure him. This is something that has to be at the right time for both of you. If he's pushed into it, you might get a ring...but perhaps not the marriage that you are looking for.
As a sidenote (and response to some of the other answers): I'm tired of people saying that cohabitation (living together) is wrong and the cause of relationship or marital issues. The whole "not buying the cow if you get the milk for free" is an outdated view. There are recent studies that indicate there are less divorces when couples live together prior to being married. It is important to understand how it is living with someone before deciding to spend the rest of your life with them. I used to be completely against living with someone before being married. Then I realized that it's necessary to know whether or not you can live with someone and tolerate each other's flaws and issues before getting married. It's quite presumtuous to think that because you love someone and you like spending time with them that you'd necessarily be able to fully share your space, expenses and life decisions.
2007-06-11 16:31:15 · answer #4 · answered by Ultraviolet 2 · 3⤊ 1⤋
I didn't get engaged until after my boyfriend and I have been dating for over 3 1/2 years, living together for 2 years.
Stop pestering him about getting engaged.
He's obviously NOT in financial comfort at the moment so take that into consideration before thinking he doesn't want to marry you.
I've known people not being engaged until 7 years of dating.
Don't rush it! :)
2007-06-11 17:04:17 · answer #5 · answered by Terri 7 · 1⤊ 1⤋
You should back off. You can't force someone into marrying you, you'll only cause resentment. Don't you want it to be special? A surprise? Wouldn't you rather it be when HE feels that it's time and not just you? Please think about this, I know the thought of getting married and having a wedding and all of that is exciting, but it's also a big step, and a step that BOTH people have to be 100% sure about. Relax and don't nag him! It will happen when it's meant to be.
2007-06-11 16:54:08 · answer #6 · answered by Starry Eyes 4 · 2⤊ 1⤋
Ask him when he wants to get married. Set a date and start planning. If he's not comfortable setting a date yet - there isn't much you can do but wait; perhaps he will come around. If the only concern is the finances, make sure he knows that you're not expecting an expensive ring or a fancy wedding - explain that you just want to move forward with your relationship. Good luck.
2007-06-11 16:20:08 · answer #7 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 3⤋
The man is uneployed so you need to give him some time to get himself together before making a comitment to you to be yoiur husband. Marriage is a huge thing and 2 people needs to be financially ready to be married. You guys have been together only for 3 years. You can wait a little longer until he is ready. Maybe he just wants to have some doe in his pocket and be financially ready before making this big move.
2007-06-11 16:16:07 · answer #8 · answered by TJ 4 · 5⤊ 2⤋
Well, you have two choices - one, you can issue an ultimatum (marry me or else) and you can always wonder if you pressured him into marrying you, or two, you can accept things as they are.
Truthfully, I do have tosay that Mom was right on this one - they generally don't buy the cow when they get the milk for free.
I'm not judging your decision, nor am I saying moving in with him was wrong. I see benefits to cohabitating. However, I've seen your situation time and time and time again. The next move really depends on how patient you're willing to be.
Good luck!
2007-06-11 16:14:30 · answer #9 · answered by sylvia 6 · 3⤊ 3⤋
Why would you want to nag someone into marrying you? Back off, grow up, and realize that love doesn't come with time limits. Also, he should get his act together and get a job before you consider sharing a life with him.
2007-06-11 16:44:05 · answer #10 · answered by Courtney 3 · 3⤊ 1⤋