Okay, my fiancee has been dad to my 3 children for a year and a half. I have a 14 year old son, and up until 2 months ago, things were fine. Now suddenly it seems my fiancee hates my son and verbally degrades him, TO ME. Calls him a "punk *** piece of ****", a loser, a **** up, you name it. I try to tell him how this hurts me, but he says "Well what about the total disrespect, lying and back-talk I get from him?" Note that my fiancee is 50 and very old school. He doesn't understand teenagers today. My son is going through a lot of up's and down's due to my divorce from his step-dad and being bounced from house to house throughout his life. When I try to mention these things to my fiancee, he says I am making excuses for my son and that I need to straighten him out or else. He expects me to back-hand him in the face when he "talks back", and I don't believe in doing that. He is trying to apply 1950's parenting principles on my children and it simply won't work in this day and age.
2007-06-11 08:19:28 · 14 answers · asked by Beach Girl 3 in Pregnancy & Parenting ➔ Parenting
My question is how would you handle this problem? In addition to all of this, my fiancee is supposedly "madly in love" with me, and it's gotten to the point of obsession. I personally think he is jealous of my son and my relationship with him, and is imagining this supposed misbehavior. My son is a typical 14 year old, and is no more disrespectful to anyone than his peers are. Let's just say the punishment does not even come close to fitting the crime. I feel overwhelmed and helpless.
2007-06-11 08:22:10 · update #1
Oh yeah, and his treatment of my son has caused me to become bitter towards him. He is literally killing what's left of my love for him, but refuses to see it or try to change his attitude.
2007-06-11 08:25:33 · update #2
He tells me that if I leave him, I will never find a man who would want a woman w/ 3 kids, especially with one that is a punk like my son. :(
2007-06-11 08:30:26 · update #3
Leave him. You can always find another man. A man can be replaced, your children cannot. Do your deserve to be happy? Of course you do, but not w/ a man who isn't making you and your family happy. He's trying to put you down, by giving you threats that he is the only one for you. Which is not true. So you are a mom w/ 3 kids, well good for you. Honey you can find someone better. He only tells you these things b/c he knows that HE wont get another woman like you to put up w/ his bullcrap. There are good men out who would love to be w/ a mother of three. Dont sell yourself short. Your better than that. You deserve better and your kids deserve to have a good man in the household, not a jerk.
2007-06-12 07:51:55 · answer #1 · answered by Erica 4 · 3⤊ 0⤋
I'm sorry...who means more to you? I hope your answer is your Son. Never...Never...choose a Partner over your children! Your son is counting on you to protect him. Not just today but from the time he was born! It's your JOB to do that, and if your "50 yr. old fiancee" can't respect your son and the fact that he is a "Visitor" in your home until you are married (which I hope you don't until you have worked this out) he should know his place and it's not to discipline your children...EVER!! That's not a privilege that you give someone other then the boys real father or you! This guy needs to step back and you need to put him in his place in the family which isn't your son's father. He is your "mate" not his father. Respect is "earned" not "given" so your fiancee needs to learn that lesson before he tries to teach your son anything! I would say...and I've been there...get rid of the guy!
You will be sorry if you don't and your son is depending on you!! Good luck and Take Care!
2007-06-11 08:35:53 · answer #2 · answered by lola C 1 · 2⤊ 0⤋
I have a 15yr son and they can be a handful at times. I would leave your fiancee without a doubt. Youre son is going through a hard time at a hard age. If your fiancee isn't willing to support you AND your family then he doesn't deserve to be a part of it. I'm a big believer in the saying "treat others the way you want to be treated" and "respect is earned, not given." I'd take him up on his "you need to straighten him out or else comment". Is the "or else" him leaving, because I would be more than happy to show him the door.
I'm sure, without a hesitation, that'll you'll find another man who will love you, your children and help support your decisions. Right now i think it would be best to focus on your kids and helping them get through this hard time. If your fiancee is going to help you like a future husband would do, then he needs a serious wake up call.
Best wishes and good luck with your son. If you would like some suggestions feel free to e-mail me. I've gone through a lot with my son and would love to help.
2007-06-11 08:48:41 · answer #3 · answered by Carrie R 2 · 3⤊ 0⤋
A. He's full of piss when it comes to you never finding someone that will love you and your children. Yes, more of a challenge, but not true. My mother found a wonderful man whom I consider my dad.
B. If he can't respect that you do not approve of his language/opinion of your son, then he doesn't respect your ways of parenting. Every relationship with children and every person in general cannot fully agree on the right and wrong ways of raising a child BUT, 99.9% of them figure out a way.
C. Don't stick up for your son if he is in fact crossing the line. Typical 14 year old or not, there are boundaries set for a reason and if he crosses them then he is to be punished. You can't give up your rules because you feel bad for the divorce.
D. This guy doesn't sound to be worth anything to me and it sound like you feel the same but need the backing to make your decision. My mom had NO problem setting my dad in line on a few things because I had been raised to be quite independent and didn't in fact need someone over my shoulder because I told my mom 90% of everything I did.
2007-06-11 08:52:06 · answer #4 · answered by Harley 6 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Take it from a woman who spent 6 weeks in a woman's shelter with an infant, and many months in therapy. The behavior you describe is the first steps in an abusive relationship. It begins with verbal abuse and trying to alienate you from people who could protect you. If you marry this man it will quickly escalate to physical abuse of you and your children. Of course, it will all be "your fault", you "make him" behave this way, or the children do. Telling you no one else will want you is symptomatic of abuse as well. That is nonsense. True, it won't be easy to find some one who will accept a ready made family, but it is never easy to find some one worth while. There are plenty of men out there with enough love in their hearts for you and your children.
I remarried when my daughter was 5. He is a wonderful husband and has been a terrific father. We have been together for 15 years and are more in love every day. Yes. it took my almost 5 years to find the right man, but it was the worth the hardship of being alone to spend the last 15 wonderful years with some one who truly loves me and my daughter.
2007-06-11 23:00:07 · answer #5 · answered by Darla G 5 · 3⤊ 0⤋
Red Flags!!! You are probably right that he is jealous of your son's relationship with you.I sure hope he is not verbally abusing your son!! And as far as him telling you that you will not find another man who will have you with 3 children, I beg to differ!! I am in a great relationship with a man who excepts my 4 children and is enjoying raising my 2 minor sons.(One who even has behavior disorder) He tells people he is having a ball.Please don't give into his notion that back handing your son will help this situation. I would insist that he change his way or move on while you still can!!!
2007-06-11 09:06:37 · answer #6 · answered by lisa m 2 · 2⤊ 0⤋
The bottom line is: your husband does not love you the way anyone deserves to be loved. He should not be 'jealous' of you and your son's relationship, he should not call him any names of any kind except 'kid', 'sport', 'champ' (get my drift?), and him saying you'll never find anyone else is complete bullsh*t. You need to be very weary of him and his obsession. That's not love - there is a difference.
I'd tell him to get out, really. I'm no expert, I just know what I would not put up with. It's going to ultimately be up to you, but I would never put a man before my child (unless under the most extreme circumstances - like my child mass murdered my entire family, and my husband saved my life, that kinda thing). Like I said, he's not in love with you - there's no respect there for what you want, need, or have. It's hard to stomach, but get rid of him.... you deserve better than that!
Good luck.
2007-06-11 14:55:29 · answer #7 · answered by Impavidsoul 5 · 1⤊ 0⤋
i feel nervous for you but especially your son. If you express your feelings to him and he doesn't stop, then how madly in love with you is he? Think about it, is he controlling in other aspects of your life? I think that may be what is happening is your son is reaching a very independent stage where what you and your fiance say no longer has an effect on him. Your fiance knows enough not to overstep his boundaries but wants you to do it for him. I would be worried my fiance is saying or doing stuff (in order to try to regain control of the household) to my son when i wan't around. Maybe you should step back, evaluate your relationship with this guy and decide whether he is everything you think he is.
2007-06-11 08:31:16 · answer #8 · answered by shelby 2 · 2⤊ 0⤋
I think the fact that you're questioning this in the first place, states that you kind of know this is a bad situation.
I would definitely move-on and not look back. It looks like this guy may be exhibiting early signs of possible physical abuse as well.
It's not acceptable for him to talk to you or your son this way, and you shouldn't have to put up with it.
Find someone who is worth your time and not counterproductive in your efforts of parenting.
Good luck.
EDIT:
The whole "if you leave me you'll never find someone as good as me" is a form of verbal abuse. He is using your situation to make you feel as if you HAVE to be with him.
There's another sign right there. There are plenty of people in this world who will be interested in you, your children and will NEVER treat you this way. - Don't subject yourself to believing that kind of crap.
2007-06-11 08:26:59 · answer #9 · answered by mroof! 6 · 3⤊ 0⤋
Don't marry this guy, or you will regret it, and you know it. I am 57, and being in his 50's is not excuse, he has serious issues to ever talk to a mother about her son that way. He is immature, and at his age won't change.
Don't do it. Yes, it will be difficult not to.
2007-06-11 08:24:10 · answer #10 · answered by Anonymous · 5⤊ 0⤋