Advice on what to do at this point?

Question

I feel like a selfish, cold-hearted person but I can't shake the feeling that something just isn't right in my marriage. This ain't my first rodeo so I know what the signs look like but I keep telling myself it's just me. My husband stays on the computer most all of his off time. Playing cards of some sort. Says it relieves his stress. My step daughter is 14 but I can't get her to clean her room much less help with anything else and neither does he. He mows the yard and works. That's all a man is suppose to do. They don't like my church and don't want to go there which is ok with me but I love the folks there and miss them. His ex-wives stay in touch with him. One stops by his work to catch up on his life, his daughters mother just happens up on us wherever we may be. The daughter wants them back together and maybe I am in the way. When her Mom shows up she acts like she hates me but when we are home she calls me Mom and tells me how much she loves me. I'm just confused. Am I crazy?

We do have custody of the child. Her mom left her with her father to be with a married man whom later returned to his wife. My husband however would not take her back because I've been told by many of their friends and family ,it wasn't the first time. She has been ordered to pay child support but has also stopped doing that. As for her half medical,about 2000 dollars behind. I do work from 40 to 50 hours a week. I do not try to disciple the child anymore because her father lets her have her way for fear she might want to live with her mother. She admits to holding this over his head. I do not expect much from her mother because the man she is married to and herself live on a poverty level since neither is working. They cannot even afford food sometimes and we give our daughter money to buy food when she goes there. I can't deny the child the money even though she admoits some of the money I give her goes to buy her mom cigarettes and gas. I'm just want to do what is right. Forgive me.

Answer 1

First of all, go back to church. You love being around those people and miss them. Why not go? Get in your car on Sunday and go enjoy your friends.

You said this ain't your first rodeo and obviously it isn't his either, so you both have considerable baggage. It sounds like he has alot more then you. And his is still in his life. If he's on the computer all the time and the ex's continue to be in his life (whether at work or coveniently showing up), it sounds like it's them that he's emailing.

The fact that he has custody of his daughter brings up the question, why doesn't the mom have custody? About80% of women get custody. I think your radar is working just fine, he's probably active in keeping his ex's in his life....so what are you going to do? You never said if you were happy. You never said if you want to make this marriage work. You never said how you feel about the ex's.

About the 14 yr old step daughter. She either is trying to keep everybody happy by actually liking you and just trying to please her mom by treating you bad in front of her....OR..... she just manipulative.

The standard suggestion is counseling. If he isn't open and honest with you, then it usually takes someone who's trained in these sort of situations to bring everything out in the open so you can either get it straighten up or you have the information you need to make a responsible decision.

Good Luck!

Answer 2

To help matters in your marriage you need to sit your husband down and tell him how you feel about everything. If your needing more one on one time with him,ask him to do this with you. I know sometimes the computer can take a lot of ones time up. Suggest spending less time on the computer and taking the time for you and him to do things together. Far as your step daughter goes he should be supporting you when you've ask her to clean her room or what ever the case may be. Him turning a blind eye to this isn't working on your marriage together. Tell him he will have to change his views on what goes on around home. Far as the ex-wives being in the picture when ever they please is wrong. He needs to put a stop to this since his life is with you. Give him a ultimatum to either choose you, or his past wives. When your feeling like a third party in your own marriage, theres a problem. He needs to "step up to the plate and make things right". He chose you as his new wife, so he must respect what your feelings are. Hope this certainly helps your situation. Cocoa

Answer 3

You're not crazy, but you have so many issues that are annoying you that it's difficult to sift through the muck to arrive at what's really bothering you the most. That's what you need to do: get to the root cause that is giving you grief. Is it the ex-wives' continued involvement in your husband's life, is it a feeling of isolation from your husband and step-daughter, or is it the growing distance you feel developing between the members within your own household? When you're clear on the root-cause, you can more effectively communicate it to them in a non-threatening manner; a manner they're more likely to be receptive to. Communication and a measure of compromise seem to be warranted here, and once that's accomplished, you may find that the other things dissolve by themselves. It's a big task once folks have begun dividing into separate camps (being a step-parent is a bear under the best of circumstances), but it can be done. And if you discover you can't do it all by yourself, professional help is available to assist you. Good luck in this effort.

Answer 4

ex-wives ?? Just how many are there?
The key to this problem might be right in front of you..

I do believe that exes can be friends, not close friends but at least friends of some sort..in time.. but doing more with an ex does not look good for your marriage..

The daughter's behavior is typical in situations like this.. just show her love and attention and in time that should resolve itself..

Now being on the computer most of the time..is a big NO NO
That means he is bored, probably chatting with other women or playing games instead of doing things with his family..

Many relationships have failed because of the Dang Computer.. it can be a blessing if used in good way or curse if used to run away from daily life!!

Please don't stop what you enjoy doing, go to your church.. and be with the people you like and miss, nothing wrong with a lil time for you to enjoy what you like to do!

And talk to your husband, tell him how you are feeling..
Communication is the key..

If you truly love this man and want to stay with him.. talk to him and hopefully he will open up to you and say what is truly bothering him or...get counselling.. for both of you and as a family .. daughter included!!

Good Luck!!

Answer 5

Your family outside of the home you live in does not matter. Don't get me wrong they do matter to an extent but to help you get through the day they don't matter. You need to go to your husband and talk to him about how you feel like you don't feel like your apart of the family. Like your an outcast only drawn in by marriage and that's it. Bring up the time you don't get to spend with him and your step daughter and ask him if there is anything you are doing wrong that is making things seem distant in the house. You only bring up things that are happening between you and him and the step daughter. Nothing about his mom or ex-wives. That is not the real issue at hand right now and its a whole different battle. You have to choose your battles wisely and approach them fairly. Things at home is your first battle! You married Him and he is the only one you need to feed off of for love. His mother would be great but if it doesn't happen oh well. Same with the step daughter but I think she will eventually come around. Especially when you think she can do something but dad is unsure and says no where you can step in and help persuade that no to a yes! It takes time with step kids but they come around you will see! Good Luck!

Answer 6

So your saying that your hubby isn't spending time with you or supporting you in family tasks? Have you expressed this to him? A relationship takes effort and if you aren't spending time together and not interacting as couple, relationships stop working. You need a good, positive heart to heart and if you can't do that, perhaps a counselor will help.

In my experiences, 14 y/o's aren't worried about clean rooms. They don't get upset over it. Take a hint from her and close the door. If she wants to live in a mess, let her. As the step-mom, its not worth the battle. If your hubby complains, agree with him and leave it at that. You've tried and with limited support, all you can do now is move on and focus on what you can fix.

Your step-daughter probably feels massive guilt for liking you so much, like she has betrayed her mother. She's still a child and that's a normal reaction. Address it with your hubby and your her mom if its something you can't shake off, so all three of you as a unit can address it with your step-daughter. If not, leave mom out and discuss how to deal with it as a family. There might be pressure from mom not to like you... can you blame a kid for not wanting to hurt or make their mom angry? Or trying to make life easier with THREE parents. Good gravy. She doesn't sound like a bad kid, but I could be wrong.

His other ex would annoy me. If you can't make friends with her, ask your hubby to lay off a little, at least while you work on your relationship.

As for church... go by yourself. Why deny yourself something you enjoy just because no one else wants to go?

Answer 7

at first I was wonderig why you married, but I figured you didn't have the whole space to explain your life story. I understand where this is going because I am in that situation, almost 100%. I am a 16yr old boy and my step sister, who has the same mother as me is 12. My mom likes thais man and he is nice and all but he's just an *** sometimes, but we as kids are young and we have the ability to adapt whether we enjoy the thought or not. If he loves you and you l ove him, that's what counts.

IN regards to her cleanin her noom, it needs to be done and he needs to have a say in that. It's a give and take world out there, he needs to give a little bit of effort too.

Also, I thank you for agreeing on the men's role, yardwork and working a job. I was thinking i was being sexest on the roles in the house.

Best Of Luck Ü

Answer 8

OK, let's address some of your concerns:

My husband stays on the computer most all of his off time. Playing cards of some sort. Says it relieves his stress.
**Not knowing what his stress is from, I can't give you an absolute answer on this. Alot of people enjoy doing mind-numbing things like computer games, pencil games and television viewing to get away from things at home and at work that bother them because they don't know how to solve their problems in any other way(s). I would risk saying that the fact that your husband has more than one ex-wife would indicate that he has this problem. He might or might not want help with it. If he wants it, try to help him. If not, and you still love him, get a hobby. It's better than sitting around worrying.

My step daughter is 14 but I can't get her to clean her room much less help with anything else
**You didn't really say whether you have custody of the girl. If you do, have a "cleaning day" once a month or so where the two of you clean up her room together. This will give you some "together" time to get to know each other better. On the other hand, it might tick her off enough to keep her room cleaner so that she won't be stuck for several hours cleaning the room with you. I must say that the majority of 14 year olds that I know are not particularly immaculate housekeepers whether they have a step-mother or not.

and neither does he. He mows the yard and works. That's all a man is suppose to do.
**Blame his parents and/or his previous wives for letting him adapt this attitude. If you work outside the home too, you might counter this claim with the response, "I work a 40 hour week and come home and cook (or do the laundry or etc.)--so we're even. Now, how would you like to separate the rest of the chores between us?" If that doesn't work, let the stuff pile up until he understands where you're coming from. It will be hard if you're OCD about having everything clean, but after awhile you'll either get used to it or get fed up and give him the ultimatum that he's been needing.

They don't like my church and don't want to go there which is ok with me but I love the folks there and miss them.
**Do you miss these folks because your husband refuses to let you go, or do you just not like to go alone? If you'd just go ahead and go alone, I'll bet you wouldn't be the only woman there who came without her husband. Now, more than ever, you need the strength that you could get from the Lord and your fellow churchgoers to help you face the issues you are currently facing. And the same computer games are as available on Sundays and Wednesday nights for your husband that are available during the other days. If, on the other hand, your husband refuses to let you go, perhaps you might need to check out some other "rodeos"--if you know what I mean.

His ex-wives stay in touch with him.
**These people have shared part of their lives together. You're just hurting yourself to not want them to communicate with each other. You could even do what I did and become good friends with them. That way you'll have someone to commiserate with about your husband that will know exactly what you're talking about!

One stops by his work to catch up on his life, his daughters mother just happens up on us wherever we may be.
**Yes, it is a small world!! But, of all the wives that it would be good to befriend, it would be this one. Being friends would allow you to share advice on how to handle your/her 14 year old daughter. Invite her over for dinner sometime. Have an extended family picnic. And even if it doesn't work on her part, you'll still have the upper hand. You know the old saying, "Smile, it'll make them wonder what you're up to!"

The daughter wants them back together and maybe I am in the way.
**No matter what the situation was that caused the divorce, children always want their parents to be together. It makes it easier on them not to have to divide their affections between two households. I've been married for 25 years and my step-children love me very much but they would still love to have their parents back together again. They know it's not going to happen. They know that if it did, that homicide of some type would probably be the outcome. :-) But they still long for that family bond.

When her Mom shows up she acts like she hates me but when we are home she calls me Mom and tells me how much she loves me.
**Her mother gave her life and she consciously and sub-consciously feels the need to protect her mother's feelings. She probably feels that showing a negative attitude toward you will make her own mother feel like that she's not going to stop loving her. As time passes, and she gets older, she will come to the realization that she can love each of her mothers without taking the love away from the other one.

I'm just confused.
**Blending families is always confusing because of all of the separate identities involved. If takes alot of work and alot of tears to reach your goal but it's worth it if you're willing to put forth the effort!!

Am I crazy?
Probably. :-) But then, aren't we all?

I hope I've helped you a little. And I pray that God watches over you and gives you the strength you need to keep going!!

Answer 9

My daughter is similar, she goes on about 'choosing her own religion' etc but i think you should take charge, i take my family to church every 2 months or so for a nice family service.
If you want your husband to talk to your daughter tell him that they should spend time doing family things as well.
If he is still in touch with his ex, (this may be crazy) invite her around for dinner sometimes and try and make friends with her your step daughter will like you both hopefuly this way.

Answer 10

Invite his ex-wife out for lunch. Become her friend and rise above the daughter's jealousy thing. Go to your old church every second Sunday and say "hi!" to all the nice folks you miss. Take control!