Ok so here is my problem!!! I have 2 daughter's with this man and We were together for 3 years but things were really bad and he was abusive and such a jerk! He controlled everything I did right down to letting me talk to my family! I hated being with him and 2 years ago I broke it off and got away since then my life has been great and things have gone good except for him fighting with me over the girls. Saturday I seen him at a family's Open house and he was begging for me to take him back he told me he had changed and that he wants to be there for his girls. He even had my cousin's trying to tell me to get back with him. My problem is this. I can't stand him and know things never change but I feel like a bad mother because I have split the family what should I do!!!
2007-06-11 05:06:23 · 37 answers · asked by Anonymous in Family & Relationships ➔ Singles & Dating
Ok I see I have to make something clear! We have been to court and they gave him Joint custody with supervision thru his cousin!!!!
2007-06-11 05:24:04 · update #1
You can have a civil platonic relationship with this man, and let him see his children (as long as he has NEVER been abusive toward them) It is his right as a father to be there for his girls. However, do not become emotionally or romantically involved with him. Let him see his kids, supervised if necessary, and that's all.
2007-06-11 05:12:05 · answer #1 · answered by Rachel-Pit Police-DSMG 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Having a relationship simply for the sake of the children is not a good idea. If he was abusive before, you could take a chance and rekindle the relationship; for all you know, he might have changed. Sometimes the apple does not fall far from the tree. If you can't stand him, as you stated, then do not put yourself in a position where you may end up hating him, and that is never a good thing. Don't feel bad because you "split the family". If the children were witnesses to the abusive relationship that the two of you had, then, if he has not changed and is still abusive, they will continue to be witnesses to further abuse.
A relationship takes two people to make it work, not one being dominant and the other submissive. For example, my wife is my partner, and decisions that I make affect the entire family unit. Be wise in your decision making. If you are wary about this gentleman (and I use this word lightly for men who choose to abuse women), then save yourself the possibility of future headaches and steer clear. There may be someone out there who will be the best thing that ever happened to you and your girls.
Remember, a woman does not need a man to define who she is, and she sure as hell does not need an adult human male around that feels that it is okay to lay his hands on a woman to hurt her. Your daughters may even grow up to think it is okay for a man to hit them and give the excuse that that is the way he shows his love.
There is a difference between a "man" and an "adult human male", if you know what I mean.
2007-06-11 05:28:10 · answer #2 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Don't feel guilty and don't feel bad. If you stay with a guy you can't and most likely will fight with and end up splitting up anyway, you'll put your daughters through a lot more. If you just start by letting him have supervised visitation with the girls and then after a month or so, let him have every other weekend or something like that. He's only saying these things right now out of desperation and wants to manipulate the situation. Good luck and be careful.
2007-06-11 05:15:17 · answer #3 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
I am so happy you got out. Your right he probably hasn't changed. Second you are actually a good bother for getting out of a bad relationship. Believe it or not not having a father around all the time is better if he is an abusive person. You may not think so but he would be controlling and mentally abusive to the girls. I know because I watched my father do it to me mom for 21 years. She is just now getting out. Its way harder for her since she waited so long. I am 21 now and the damage is already done to me. I am confused about alot of things, what a good marriage is like, what is normal, and how treat people. I treat my boyfriend the same way my dad treats my mom. I am controlling and verbally abusive. You should be happy you broke the cycle. Even young children do what they see. If they learn abuse they will either be an abuser or be abused. Dont go back, it will only hurt your children. They need to be in a loving environment not a bad one.
2007-06-11 05:13:58 · answer #4 · answered by erica b 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Don't loose sight of the reasons for the divorce, ie., abuse, controlling, immature, and simply having a jerk for a spouse. What you had with him wasn't love and you know this. I'm sure you gave him more than one chance to straighten up. He's had his chance to be a husband to you and a father to your children. He blew it!!!
You are a good mother and smart enough to know you needed to end that relationship. Don't beat up on yourself for taking a stand and providing a better life for yourself and the girls. Any counselor in the world will tell you "staying married for the children will not work". Also, keep in mind that children are pretty resilient when their parents go opposite ways.
If I remember, it was not to long ago he was causing you grief about the visitation.
You deserve to be happy and to even think about returning to that mess surprises me. I'm sure he misses your sweet lovin but abusive men, whether physical or mental abuse, do not change. I've seen it, and it only gets worse.
It's sad that the girls will always have him for a father but hopefully, in time, he will grow up and be a mature father that they can be proud of.
Love your girls but love yourself. You're young, pretty, and sexy and know how to treat a man.......but also what you expect from a man.
2007-06-11 23:37:57 · answer #5 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
I come from a separated relationship where my parents separated when I was 3 and divorced when I was 9. I have been okay in knowing my parents weren't married nor did they live together.
I have had friends who's parents "tried to make it work for the family" who just divorced after the kids were 18 and they have taken it to heart and think they have done something wrong.
Either way, it will be a struggle and you just need to let your girls know they are loved. Also, another problem that may arise is once they are old enough to be disciplined, the parent they don't live with is the best parent. Don't bad talk their dad, let them figure it out on their own.
2007-06-11 05:19:29 · answer #6 · answered by Loreal D 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
If you spilt from him then you did it for a reason. Stick to your guns. If he's bad for you then don't stick around just because you have kids together. It ends up even worse in the end if you stay. A man and a woman can be parents without being together. You're not a bad mother. You're a good mother because you did what you felt was best for you and your girls. If this guy abused you then he will most likely continue to do it. If he persists and continues to harass you, consider a restraining order for you and your daughters. DO NOT GO BACK.
Good luck to you.
2007-06-11 05:12:30 · answer #7 · answered by meangyrl21 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
That man seeing and spending time with his kids have nothing to do with him being with you. Don't think for a minute that by you giving up your good life and going back to someone that did nothing but suck the life outta you is going to make ur girls any happier. Trust me, they are happy not seeing you cry every night or stressed out because some man can't get it together. U keep your head up and go on about your business. If he wants to be with his kids set up visitation times for him. You'll see how much he's changed when u don't wanna give him the time of day. He won't want to give his babies any play either. Its a shame that's how it is, but whatever. You do what you know is best for those girls and that's keepin it movin!!
2007-06-11 05:12:19 · answer #8 · answered by Chen 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Don't feel like that, you did the best thing by braking up with him, especially if he was abusive to you.
It is entily up to you, but once he has been abusive once, that will never changed unless he will get proper help. Make some arrangements regarding your daughters, such as having a set date for him too see the girls.
But definetely don't give in, you have done the right choice by leaving him, especially if he has been abusive.
2007-06-11 05:12:41 · answer #9 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
Perhaps keeping your leggs closed until you know a guy is a good guy and that there is a real commitment is a great start on what you should be doing.
If this guy is so abusive, why did you have 2 babies with him? If he's so abusive, why do you let him have visitation rights with the children? Did you not bring this up in court? Do you really think you are being a responsible mom by letting this man come in and beat you, control you and be mean to you? Is that the life you want your children to get used to and think is normal?
Do you want this man hitting your children?
Grow up, get counseling and figure out what is right.
2007-06-11 05:10:26 · answer #10 · answered by janicajayne 7 · 0⤊ 2⤋