Should I tell her to fight back???

Question

My little girl is 2.5yrs old and very mild mannered.

She is polite and plesent with adults and other children and this seems to make her a target for bullies.

This weekend we went to a friends kids party and there was a older girl 4-5yrs bullying other kids (mainly the younger ones) most of them seemed to push her back but my daughter Lily wouldnt, she just let her hit her. I had to step in and shout at the older girI.

Ive always told her its naughty to hit, but now I think ive made a huge mistake and made her an easy target!

I spoke with my daughter on the way home, and told her if she was hurt or hit by someone then she was to hit back, and hit back hard.

She seems to understand me (she has very good communication skills) and when I told her dad she said she was gonna hit back if someone hit her.

My parents in law think this is wrong for me to say to her (by the way Im 28) but they think they know it all with raising kids.

AM I A BAD MUM ?

I hate the fact that we have to raise our kids to be defensive, I love it that she is so easy going and everyone always comments on how nice natured she is,

But enough is enough and Im certainly not gonna let her grow up to think being pushed around is ok. Esp by someone double the age.

The mum and dad of the girl who was being mean was so ashamed when they saw my Lily crying they sent her over to say sorry, Lily even kissed her back. She's just a lovely kid, thats what gets to me, if she was being mean then I would understand.

From now on Im teaching her to defend but not to just hit.

duckyquack
WTF?
So what if she's being picked on having her hair pulled and pushed over, Im suppsed to do what???
Watch??? lol
There is not always gonna be an adult there to watch.
Plus this 5 year old was SITTING on her head hitting her, how the hell is a 2 year old gonna get out of that and come tell an adult?

I watch her all the time, but I cant always be there for her she needs to learn to not be a victim.

And Im not suggesting she "fights" Im saying if they push her to push back and walk away, my friends daugther came home from nursary with bite marks on her shoulder, all the boy who did it got was a telling off, its happened again and again until she told her to bite him back and he's never bit her since.

jennanderton...

GET REAL, HER PARENTS WHERE NOT THERE, THEY WHERE GETTING PISSED IN THE GARDEN.

WHAT SHOULD I OF DONE? LEFT MY 2 YEAR OLD GETTING PUNCHED HARD BY A 5 YEAR OLD TO GO FIND THEM,
IF I MET YOU IN THE STREET ID KNOCK YOU OUT YOU SAD COW.

In response to alot of comments, I went over and said "sorry but enough is enough get off her now" "she is only half the size of you, thats bullying and we dont like bullys, go away" my daughter then copied "bully".

I then picked my daughter off and went to calm her down and wipe her face as she was crying and very distraught, she only knows how to be nice so she was shocked that someone would be horrible to her.

I didnt swear (Im an adult and it was a kids party so Im shocked people would think Id swear at a little girl) I was irrate but not nasty, and kept my cool.

Her dad obviously heard my daughter crying and came over (her mum hid, probably in shame) and took his daughter from the area.

I hope this has clarified things with some of the people on here.

I treat people, kids included with respect, I would never frighten or swear at a child, that itself is being a bully.

Answer 1

To those that said "its bad to hit and you should have removed your daughter from the party" would be singing a different tune if its THEIR daughter being bullied. ANYWAY

You're a great mom. My son knows NEVER to bully someone else or else, but also knows that it is unacceptable to allow people to bully him. If its a kid and he is bullying him, he is allowed to defend himself, at first by asserting himself. But if someone puts their hands on him he has the green light to hit back. I have no problem with that.
Removing your daughter from the party is ridiculous. WHy punish your daughter for some other heathen's behavior? You wont always be there to watch out for her and she needs to learn to fend for herself in the future. there will always be bullies. if anything the bully should have been put in time out or removed from the party. I think you handled it well.

Answer 2

No, you're not a bad mum! I did exactly the same with my daughter (my question about spoilt kids being nasty is similar). She's always been v friendly, kind and not assertive at all. She won't even say if she doesn't like something, she says it's ok! When she got to 2.5 and started socializing, I realised she had to stand up for herself, so I told her to do it back and hard, like u did. But she did it in such a feeble way and so gently it had no effect!She's still v gentle and has to be forced to give a hard push to a stapler.I see other kids standing up for themselves and I wish she could be more like them. When some bossy madam told her to do something, she used to do it!!It's only the last few weeks that this has started to change, and I've really had to coach her in assertiveness (and how not to get told on when you do it back! That was a big problem for a long time in her old school). She still gets targeted in certain places, it's hard to find good groups.My cousins daughter was the same, too. At the end of the day, it's these who are the nicer people.

Answer 3

At 2, I think it may be a bit too young to teach that concept(regardless of how good of a communicator she is, she's still a toddler) so that she knows that there are limits and boundaries...like, only hit back when nothing else works. That's way too advanced of an idea for a 2 year old...and you run the risk of turning her into a hitting machine without discrimination!! I suggest trying to first teach her to turn the other cheek and to come to you when there is a problem instead of trying to deal with it on her own...work with her good communication skills! Teach her all that BEFORE you teach her to defend herself...which, by the way, I do agree with to a certain point. But a kid is pushing her around at 2 is very different from a kid pushing her around at 12...so take the high road and deal with all that bully stuff when she's more capable of understanding. Good luck!

PS. My son is 2 as well and very sweet natured. I have seen kids get rough and hit him and I always step in, remove my son and say to the other child, "We don't hit." It's only happened twice, but both times the offending kids looked sheepish and like they'd been caught.

Answer 4

You are most definately NOT a bad Mum.

In the Real World (not the fluffy pink place that certain people who answered this question obviously live in) it is a parents job to teach our children the skills that will allow them to flourish in safety.

I have taught my eldest child (now 7) to defend himself and will be teaching the two nippers the same thing when the timing is right.

Personally I applaud you for stepping in as an authority figure and assumed fom the outset that the parents of the bully were, as seems to be the accepted norm now-a-days, attending to their own recreational pleasures with little or no effort as regards the supervision of their spawn.

My only concern would be that, at 2.5 your daughter, regardless of how articulate she is, may be a little young to totally grasp the concept of 'in retaliation only', but I am presuming that you have been most specific about being physical only if she can't do anything else more 'p.c'.

Ignore the answerer who thinks you shouldn't be shouting at her kid regardless(as I'm sure you have done,lol).

Most responsible, NORMAL parents would be embarassed that you had had to step in on their behalf and be mortified that their child had been behaving in that manner in the first place (I know I would).

The ONLY exception to that would be foul, abusive language or physically harming my children-and then regardless of whether I'm going to ground them for a century later-you'd better hope your body armour and helmet are close to hand.

Something tells me that that was far from the case here though, in fact by the sounds of it you handled it splendidly.

KEEP UP THE GOOD PARENTING!

Answer 5

I agree with 100%. i told my 2.5 year old the same thing. She was getting bit alot at school so her father and I told her that someone bites her to smack them one good time. She did and the kid quit bitting her. I explained the "right" time to defend herself. I also told her to first tell them to quit or leave her alone and if they won't then hit them. I didn't want my daughter to be a target or grow up being afraid or telling all the time. I believe that she has got to know from an early age how to defend herslef ecspecially in the world today.

I do not agree that you should have removed your child from the party she didn't do anything, but I would have been pissed had you been yelling at my child. I guess I feel that if there is a problem and I am around let me handle my own child, but on the other hand I keep a very close eye on my daughter and would not have let it got to the point where someone else was having to get on to my child.

YOU DID THE RIGHT THING!!!!!

Answer 6

I don't believe parents always know what to say, because kids eventually become adults, and they have to learn to think for themselves. I hate that everyone has an opinion on how other people should raise their children, or live their life. It's your choice but you should not feel bad and think you have said the wrong thing.

Personally, I think kids should be taught the truth. You can easily confuse a child by telling them to hit certain people, they might start to think it's okay to hit everyone. Kids are very smart, and even though I don't have any of my own, I can remember what it was like trying to figure life out at that age. It's less easy as an adult.

Answer 7

Bad mom? NO! But i don't think that teaching her to hit back is completely right. I think that it would be better to teach her to find the nearest adult (if you're at a birthday party this is good) and let that adult know what is going on. I commend you on hollering at that other child! Most parents would have just taken their kid and walked away. It's very obvious that her parents aren't watching her or even caring what she does at home...my 4 year old hits, when provoked and he gets in trouble for doing so. It isn't right in any situation for a child to hit, they are too young to make the proper judgment call as to when is the "right" time to hit back in self defense. I think that you are right in trying to teach her to stand up for herself and not let bullies hit and pick on her. Did you let the other girls parents know that their daughter is was bullying? I would have marched right over to them (peeing in the garden or not lol) and gave them a piece of my mind. If you are at a childs party and youre off in the garden and not keeping even a half an eye on your kid, then you need to keep your big brat bully of a snot kid home and not with the little ones. She definitely needs some sort of parental guidance and she's not getting it at home. Or maybe that is what she sees at home...mommy getting bullied by daddy or vice versa. Children have a tendency to replicate what they see at home. I would certainly make sure my little one wasn't allowed near the older one. And if you find your dd in that situation again and the parents aren't around..you have EVERY RIGHT TO BARK AT THAT CHILD!!!!

Answer 8

Your not a bad mum, what you did is right, well my mum and dad always told me to stick up for myself when I was hit, just make sure your daughter knows she should never hit the person first, she could get into more trouble then the bully. Mum and dad always told me that if I was being picked on I should walk away and only hit if I was hit.
My mum and dad seemed to do a pretty good job with me by the way, I'm not a vandal or bully, so your advice was good :)

Answer 9

I had a similar situation with my boy. He is already 5 y.o. but he does not fight back. While my boy was at the playground, a 7 y.o. boy grabbed him by the neck . The 7 y.o. boy kept hitting my boy to end up throwing him on the ground and twisting his arm behind his back. Never did my boy try to fight back. So I told him that the next time someone hit him he had to fight back and defend himself. I told him that it was ok to hit in self defense. I thought I was right. Then, the next time I took my kid to the playground a girl younger than my boy pushed him so she could get down the slide first. My boy, remembering what I had told him, thought he had to defend himself and punched her back on the face, making her cry. I felt so embarrased! I realized how wrong I had been when instructing my kid to fight back. Kids not always seem to understand the difference between defending themselves or being the first one to fight. I think they not always have the judgement to tell when is ok to fight back. Until they are old enought to do that, is better to let them deal with bullies on their own, always trying to be near them while letting them play with other kids to prevent an incident like what happened with your daughter.

Answer 10

I think you were right in doing that. Some parents don't really know that their kids are bullies or some just don't care. You can only take so much, she does need to hit back if she feels like she needs to. She should know never to hit first but if she gets hit first then she has every right to hit back and hit back hard!