Am I wrong for telling my mother to stay away from my kids?

Question

Ok, here goes….

I have four children (2 biological (15 & 7)and 2 step (7 and 10) all boys). My mother singles out my biological 7 year old and babies him and actively shows favoritism toward him. She also comes to my house and when seeing the boys, will ask them to ask me if we can go to the movies or go out to eat. Or she will ask them to ask me if they can have a snack before dinner or lunch. I think that is putting them in the middle and have told her NOT to do it anymore. I told her that the grandparent has different rules and when the grandparent it the authority figure (when I nor wife are around) she can spoil them rotten(different rules when with grandparents) but when around me or my wife, we decide what happens with them.

She even actively scolds me in front of them for disciplining “her pick” if she doesn’t think he needed to be disciplined. Given the fact that this is my house and I (my new wife and I) have custody of all four boys, I think she is way out of line and have told her that this is my house and not to question me in front of them with I am doing that. She also tells her friends and some of my family that she is supporting me because she takes all of us out to eat and shopping a lot.

I don’t have a job near as good as hers and she knows I can’t afford to go out to eat or go shopping or to the movies all the time. I nor the children am not in NEED of food or anything else, she just buys things for us that “makes life easier” . Like she bought a riding lawn mower for me to use with the condition that I mow her yard too. The mower she later told me she wanted to gibe to my great uncle. I said, you bought it, you can do with it what you want. She said she would replace it for me. I spent 10 hours going from store to store looking for the best deal on models, features and prices. After that work was does and presented to her, she asked if I would rather have a Zero-Turn mower (about 3 times as expensive) I said sure, who wouldn’t. But it is so much more. She wanted to get the more expensive Zero-Turn for me so I said, OK. She put it in my name. She also had paid for me to have Dish network installed and paid for it for six months for me for my x-mas present one year.

I have told her before that I am not comfortable with her spending that much on me because I want to be independent ( I am now 40). She now has told her friends that she is tired of supporting me and wants me to stand on my own two feet. She has told them and my family that I am asking her to take us out for food and clothing and lawn equipment. I have told her in the past that when she is in my home or with me, I am the authority figure for my children (all four of them). I have also told her to stop actively showing favoritism to the one child. I know it is hard to love non biological children the same as biological, but I have asked her to not SHOW it. She still does. She still contents that she is supporting me. I have asked her not to spend any more money on me. She still calls and wants to go out to eat when she knows I don’t have the money to do it.

Now fast forward about a month. When I found out about what she is telling her friends and my/our family about me, I told her she is no longer welcome in my home and if she cannot quit showing favoritism, she is no longer allowed around the children. The last time we were together eating ice-cream, she snuck a bite of ice-cream to the “favorite”. My wife saw it and said “he does not need any more ice-cream”. As we all walked out of the store, she did it again and I gave her an evil look. My wife confronted her about it and now my mother is REALLY mad at my wife. Wife hates my mother. Now my mother is siding with my ex-wife trying to take my children away from me and give them to my ex since my ex said my mother can see the kids anytime she wants.

Am I wrong for how I feel about me being a parent? Am I wrong for what I did and said? I would love her to be in their lives and we (me and wife) have begged her to meet with us to work this out for the kids sake. She refuses. I refuse to let them be around someone who is blatently disrespectful for me as a person and me as a parent.

Also did not mention, I am in the middle (should be final in about 3 months) of adopting my two stepsons. The favoritism affects the 15 and the two stepsons in a negative way as they are always asking why she loves the "pick" more than them. The step sons maternal grandmother does not do the favoritism and they my origial two get along great with her. Now I am about to have 4 of mine legally and I don't want any favoritism shown as I nor my wife, her family or her ex's family shows any with the four kids.

Answer 1

I see nothing wrong in anything you have done. Your mother needs to respect you and your family. If she won't hear you out about how you feel or why you feel the way you do. Write her a letter explaining it.

Best of luck to you and your family. I know a controlling mother is a hard thing to deal with, I have one as well.

Answer 2

No, you have every right to raise your kids the way you see fit. Your mother obviously enjoys telling her friends about her worthless son who can't care for himself or his family without her help. She simply wants to control the show, the same way I'm sure she did when you were growing up. If she can't handle your rules then you don't need her around messing up your life. I'd tell her that you appreciate what she's given you, but you'd like to prove that you can handle things on your own. I'd lay down some rules for visits and if she breaks them, then you make her leave or if your out with her, then you and your family leave. And then no more visits for at least a month. I'd also cancel the Direct TV and offer to return the mower. Until you prove it to yourself you'll never be out from under her thumb. You may never prove you are a capable adult to your mother because she has too much invested in believing otherwise.

Answer 3

You need to stop accepting gifts from her,even if they are gifts.Avoid he as much as possible.When she calls tell her you have something to do already planed but thank you.That is very wrong of her.If you have full custody of your first children than there should be nothing to worry about the ex-wife regaining custody.If you think your ex-wife will take action to try and take the kids then you should seek legal help.Go to your local court house, they should have info on pro-bono lawyers and universities that teach law also have pro-bono students that have authority to run a case.Best thing to do is avoid that lady,she will learn on her own.The bad thing is by that age they don't change anymore.But if you know she's coming around,head out to the park or somewhere,take a walk with all the kids,go to the library.Or simply don't answer the door.

Answer 4

You are responsible for the well-being of your children. You have the right to request from anyone around your children to respect your rules. However, you make yourself vulnerable when you accept gifts from your mother.

Why is there a problem with your mother favoring your biological children? They are the ones closest to her. Your wife should understand this, she can't expect your mother to be close to them, and neither should you. However, your mother should not disrespect you in front of them. Be careful, because your mother will never stop being your mom, but your present wife can one day become your ex.

There seems to be more to this story, but your current wife should try harder at getting along with your mother, she has had no trouble saying no to the things she provided for you guys. Your mom may perceive her as neglecting your biological kids for hers.

You guys should all get family counseling. If your mom is willing to be a grandmother, your kids are losing out. They already lost their mom, now their grandma too?

Write to your mom, tell her you love her, but you all have to come to an agreement. I still don't see why your biological kids are not allowed to visit her unsupervised. I understand the others feel left out in her presence, but don't they have their own maternal and paternal grandma????

Good luck.

Answer 5

No! Your mother is mentally ill and you need to keep the kids away from her. You are a grown man and she is disrespecting you, your family and your home. Cut off contact for a year and see if she's changed her ways. If not, end the relationship. She is playing games with your head.

Answer 6

My mother does this.She will favor my niece over all grandchildren. If any one gets on to her she will scold that person that scolds her. The only attention her other grandkids get is negative attention. For example: My niece(7) can run through the house screaming. It's ok. But if my nephew(6) just walks fast. He is in trouble.

Answer 7

It is hard having a controlling mother who does not respect you. I have a mother and a grandmother like that. I was my grandmother's favorite grandchild. My grandmother would hide treats/gifts and put them under my pillow. She would slip me money and make special cakes and cookies for me. It felt great until I saw how miserable my siblings were being treated by her. I had a different father than my siblings. I will never forget my sisters sad faces. My grandmother was awful to them. I started to feel terrible. To my surprise when I was 12, I told my grandmother in front of my mother and siblings that it was not fair that she did not give my siblings the same treatment she gives me. My grandmother was insulted and hurt, but she stopped treating me special. From then on, I got treated like crap just like my siblings. My grandmother nor mother have not changed, but we siblings are very close. Your children will see through your mother and she will regret it.

Answer 8

It is hard to accept. I am separated from my wife now for 6 months, we have been to court for custody. I have custody of the kids. My mother is letting me stay in her rental home for very little rent. She also goes out and buys clothes, groceries, toys, books bedding, all sorts of things for my kids. i ask her not to but she does it anyways. I work and have a nice decent paying job,but she tells me to save my money.

Answer 9

I am in this situation and have been for years. You are wrong in keeping the kids from their grandmother. You need to sit down with your mother, one on one at first and tell her the kids notice the favoritism and it is not right. It causes hurt feelings. There is no way to keep her from spending money on you, the best you can do is tell her the one you want and make sure you stick to it. Do not allow her to upgrade to one more expensive. As for her taking you out to eat, offer to have her over for a home-made meal instead. If she feels the need to tell everyone she is supporting you, let her, you know better and that is all that matters. I have found with my mother-in-law it all stems from her needing to feel needed and trying to buy love. She is insecure and there has been no way that we have found to deal with it other than set some boudaries we can live with and have managed to 'trick' her into living with also. As for the way she favors the one child, make sure you let the kids know you are aware of it, do not agree with it, but for some reason grandma does it anyways. Talking to her may make it less noticeable but I am sure it will not completely disappear. Good luck, and learn to count to 10 or 100 really fast.

Answer 10

Man, I'm really sorry this is happening to you! It sounds to me like your mother is controlling and manipulative. My guess is that she enjoys having control over those around her, and also likes to get attention and sympathy by telling her friends lies about you and your wife. Also, what kind of mother would side with an ex-daughter-in-law over her own son, just because she's not getting her way? I hate to say this, but from the sound of things, she deserves to be excluded from your lives!