I really, really hate small talk... what should I do?

Question

I work an an actress, and need to spend a lot of time on set waiting between takes. During these times, I like to occupy myself with readying, studying or drawing, but I don't like to chat. This is because chat on set is always the same questions, the same superficial interest in people around you that you don't know, don't want to and will never see again. They don't know you, they don't really care about what you have to say, and neither do you care about them: they just want to pass the time.

How can I keep to myself, and keep to my book, (avoiding the small-talk) without seeming rude?

Answer 1

hmmm i hate small talk, too. yech.

however, personally i have decided that i need to learn to be comfortable with it because it is a communication that most in our society choose. it is culturally relevant and therefore an important skill for success in our culture.

i also realize that engaging in offered small talk shows respect and interest in other people's lives and when we show respect to others, everyone gets along better.

'sides, you never know when you will end up networking with someone who will help you later on.

there are places you can go online to learn this skill... and there are always creative ways you as an actress can make it more fun...

but, if you really think it's a waste of time to learn to be comfy with small talk, you can just turn your face and body position away from the other person while you read/study. if they interrupt your study, you can politely let them know that you can't talk with them because you need to study. most people will respect that and leave you alone - if they don't, that is their problem and you can be free to ignore them if you've already been polite about it first.

i wouldn't draw, because that is fascinating to watch and will draw unwanted attention.

ps
pandora, option, mark h & simple man have good ideas, too.

one thing i just thought of is that you can compromise with time. at some point you can take a "small talk empathy break" for say, 2 or 5 minutes or so. you can let people know that "oh, i can take a small break right now." or, "i'll take a little break later and maybe then i can chat with ya *smile*". that way you are still having good boundaries/separateness and taking care of your own personal goals, but you are also extending yourself in a loving way to other human beings.

many of us tend to be "all or nothing" about things we like or don't like, and that actually is part of what polarizes us and the world and makes the world a difficult place to be & communicate. if you fight that urge and are willing to compromise on even this little thing, you can "be the difference" you want to make in this world. step-by-step, just a little at a time. perhaps by giving yourself a timed limit, it will make it more comfy for you (cuz you'll know ahead of time that it's not going to go on forever). and again, if people don't politely respond to your limits, that is their problem. but you have done your part to show them caring.

also, there are some immature or needy people who just need to know that you are willing to care and then they won't bug you any more. if you give them some time with a head's up "i've just got a minute to talk to you before i have to study, but how are you?" they won't take it personally when you stop giving them your attention and you will have shown care.

you say you don't like the superficial interest. well i say, be the one that isn't superficial! ask about them. don't talk about things that don't matter. ask them how they're doing in their career and actively listen like the writer suggested.

you can decide to care even when you don't have the feelings of caring. you can decide to be a giving, caring human being even when you don't feel like it. being caring even when you're tired or wanna be selfish... hey that's super classy. and rare in LA. you can be someone that makes the difference in the LA scene, that makes it less superficial. it's all up to you if you want to be a part of that change. just a few minutes here and there could make a big difference in someone else's life and your life, too.

also, as you may know from your acting (?), you will find that the first change is your thought life (it's ok to small talk a little while to be kind), then you act it out with healthy boundaries, and then the feelings will follow and you'll be more comfy and it will become a part of you if you want. classy.

Answer 2

I am exactly the same. I despise small talk and usually get absorbed in something that I enjoy.

To some it may appear rude at first, but most will quietly respect that about you because you're not investing your personal time and energy in what everyone knows is a superficial scene.

From my own experience, I've found is that people will listen to what I say and appreciate my opinions or ideas because when I do talk they know that it's out of genuine interest or concern.

You may feel like you're being rude sometimes, but in reality you're probably polite when someone does approach you, yet you maintain your own identity within a group and that's something people subconsciously recognize and respect.

The ability to sustain your own personal identity within a mixed group of self-involved, egotistical, attention seeking, and shallow people is something of an asset.

You don't need to change... just enjoy who you are and reap the benefits.

Answer 3

If you don't like the boring chat, instigate something more interesting. Talk about ideas, or theories, philosophy of life. Anything to keep it off of the same old stuff. You could engage a group conversation between several people and then excuse yourself. They'll continue, in heated debate, and you can go off and enjoy your book. If your book gets boring, you can get some entertainment watching the people you've engaged argue over some topic you've picked out for them.

Answer 4

You can't, but as you will never see these people again and don't care about them why should you worry if they think you are rude? If you want to read your book, read your book.

Though you could try pretending it's some acting thing and you need time alone to "get in the zone" or whatever. They might still think your rude but will probably only ***** about you behind your back which people love to do anyway so you'll be doing them a service.

Answer 5

Well, if it does not work to say, "Sorry, but I only have a few minutes. I'd rather read my book right now," then you may have to seem a little cold. Just look back at your book and ignore that they are still there, and if they talk to you again, say, "Please, not now."

But it might be worthwhile to find something you can do while at least pretending to listen to people talk, such as hand sewing. I love English paper piecing, which is a very portable type of quilt piecing. But needlepoint or embroidery would work the same way.

As I understand it, the movie business is not kind to people who are not at least a little bit sociable. If you can manage to be quietly dignified, and not be drawn into the gossip and negative aspects of small talk, it might be worth your while to try to seem friendly.

I do not mean to imply that you are not friendly. I don't much like small talk myself, but I find myself tolerating it, as little involved as possible, rather than seem hostile.

Answer 6

I find I have the same problem.... can you find a quiet place away from everyone or out of view of everyone but with in ear distance. turn you back or put your head in your book and don't reply just go aha so they know 'I am busy and what I have to do is more important then having this talk'... If you could leave the set you will be better off, but suppose you can't, bum... Hope you are getting paid by the hour, you sound kinda trapped without a life...lol.. what can I say sux to be you....good luck

Answer 7

If you want them to avoid you, you could put on headphones, or concentrate really hard on your book (my sister does this, you literally need to shake her to get her attention).

I understand what you mean. I dislike when people attempt small talk with me, it's vapid and meaningless. But what I, personally, do is begin to broach some really...I suppose one could say, advanced and semi-contraversial topic. However, I am sure that I seem rude when I speak my opinions on the state of society and humanity in modern times and their mental and moral degeneration guised as modernity and "liberality."

You could take one of their, "How are you?" questions and flip it around, turn it into something philosophic such as, "How am I? How are any of us? What determines how we feel and how we interpret it?" If you go too deep for some people, they'll avoid you simply because you confuse or unnerve them. In the cases of others, they might actually take the bait and talk about something a bit more intellectually stimulating than the weather.

Answer 8

My only experience with "theater people" was as part of a college drama group. They were a tight-knit, very fun-loving group of people. I think you are not really giving either yourself or them quite a chance.

I would like to see you be able to "draw people out" in a conversation, and I think it would help develop your acting skill. That does not mean that I am asking you to change who you are as a person, but rather that I am asking you to develop a new skill. The thing I am asking is that you develop some **EMPATHY**.

You can start just by saying, "Hey, Steve, How's it going today?" Then, you begin engaging in what the psychologists call "active listening." If he says, "Gee, you know, I didn't sleep well last night." Your reply will build on what he says in this manner, "You didn't sleep well last night. Wow, you must really be tired." The reply reflects on the facts, and shows some personal interest. is an intent to "listen for meaning", in which the listener checks with the speaker to see that a statement has been correctly heard and understood. The goal of active listening is to improve mutual understanding. , people often are not listening attentively to one another. They may be distracted, thinking about other things, or thinking about what they are going to say next, (the latter case is particularly true in conflict situations or disagreements). Active listening is a structured way of listening and responding. It focuses attention on the speaker. Suspending one’s own frame of reference and suspending judgment, are important in order to fully attend to the speaker.

It is important to observe the other person's behavior and body language. Having heard, the listener may then paraphrase the speaker’s words. It is important to note that the listener is not necessarily agreeing with the speaker—simply stating what was said. In emotionally charged communications, the listener may listen for feelings. Thus, rather than merely repeating what the speaker has said, the active listener might describe the underlying emotion (“you seem to feel angry” or “you seem to feel frustrated, is that because…?”).

Individuals in conflict often contradict one another. This has the effect of denying the validity of the other person’s position. This can make one defensive, and they may either lash out, or withdraw. On the other hand, if one finds that the other partly understands, an atmosphere of cooperation can be created. This increases the possibility of collaborating and resolving the conflict.

Active listening is used in a wide variety of situations, including interviews in employment, counseling and journalistic settings. In groups it may aid in reaching consensus. It may also be used in casual conversation to build understanding. The benefits of active listening include getting people to open up, avoiding misunderstandings, resolving conflict and building trust. I think you will see some benefits in becoming a member of the group, being seen as being more empathetic. Finally, it will help develop some skills you will need as an actress.

You can still have your reading, studying, or drawing to occupy yourself. The essential thing is to develop the art of talking and listening, as well as the empathy that follows.

Answer 9

Hi! I guess you just see that from one side of the problem. That's alright! No one blame you! If they do, that's just their opinion. you see, there are many thoughts in our head, and when we don't know how to choose, that will B our problem. And actually if we still cant solve it, then we should ask some one who might know. I know you know that. ^_^. That mean you are a half right and a half wrong! So you are like studying! Then you have a power to make a change. Why don't you solve their problems without make them become your problems. Your actress skill will be tested! And when you help them solve their problem, You'll become happy and more understand about this life. just open you heart and blend to it then you'll see how it works. I know you are a good guy! ^_^.

Answer 10

Try reading Larry King's book - How to Talk to Anyone, Anytime, Anywhere: The Secrets of Good Communication. You'll get your reading time in, and learn how to ease the small talk situation at the same time. You might also just learn to like it. (It is a good, fun book with lots of good anecdotes and it's a quick read!)