should i let my son meet her?

Question

My ex left me and our son for the 2nd time just after new year for a girl he works with,i`ve met her once when we were still together and instantly disliked her.Anyway my ex has started taking our son overnight.When he left i vowed my son will never be in her company and when he was dropping him off yesterday my ex asked if this was still the case as he and her are moving in together soon,i felt ill but pretended i was ok,i just hate the thought of my son being in the company of the girl his dad left us for.My son has learning difficulties and wouldnt be able to let me know if she is ok with him.I dont know what to do as i want him to know his dad but cant bear the thought of them playing happy families with our child,please help as i`m going insane thinking about it?

should i also ask to meet her to find out what sort of person she is?

Answer 1

You are protecting your own emotional needs here, not your childs. If you have just cause to suspect that she is going to be a danger to your child, then that's another story. But there was nothing wrong with your ex's judgement when he chose YOU as a partner, so truthfully speaking there should be nothing wrong with his judgement now either.

Your ex obviously wants to be a part of your son's life. Doesn't your son deserve a chance at that?
I strongly believe that you are letting your own emotional wants, & needs get in the way of new oppourtunities for your son, so I hope you will think about that.

Remember, you are your sons mother. This other woman can't steal away your son from you, & if he grows to love her, it won't mean that he loves you any less.
Please don't bring any more of your emotional poison into your son's relationship with his dad. Your issues are with your ex. Not her, or your son. ;-)

Answer 2

To be honest it sounds like you are you using your son, because you don't like your ex's new girlfriend. It will be unavoidable for your son to meet your ex's new girlfriends, just as much as it is unavoidable for your son to meet your new boyfriends. The 2 of you have a son now, and thats the only thing you have in common. You do not give your son that much credit. Your just afraid he won't tell you whats going on in his fathers life. Sounds like your not completely over him yet. And your using your son in any way to find out. You might not be thinking that at all, but I can tell you that, thats what your doing subconciously. I wouldn't worry much about that. Even though the 2 of you are apart, he will know who is actual parents are. Kids are smarter than you think. And no matter what you try to do to satisfy your feelings and curiosity. Bad or good, it will come back to you via your son. Let him make his own decisions when it comes to that issue.
Sorry to speak so harshly. But please try to take a step back. look at the situation. And try to work out a compromise with your ex.

Answer 3

Maybe introduce them gradually perhaps on hour a week to begin with, you could ask them to do it in the presence of someone you trust a mutual friend for example. If this women is going to be a long term fixture in your exes life it would be advisable for your son to meet her. If you feel things aren't right then stop the contact. Take things slowly and try to arrange a middle ground! Don't do it because you feel like you have to, only if it feels right. If your not comfortable with it now try waiting a few months even just to make sure there serious.

Answer 4

I am divorced with children and felt the same way. YOU are and will ALWAYS be his mom. That will never be a question to him. You just keep loving him the way you do. I hope your ex would not let her treat him with anything but kindness. Discuss this with him or maybe you can talk with her about your concerns.(Also, a counselor can help) There will always be others in your sons life but nothing compares to a moms love. Nothing. Also, the sooner you let go of the bitterness and anger of your situation the happier everyone will be. Life is too short.

Answer 5

I am 100% behind you and feel the anguish you are going through,my son has learning difficulties and like you we have to be there for them as they can easily be led the wrong way,they have no understanding of what we have and would not socialise like we do.You have to put your son first in all this,explain to your ex how you feel and perhaps invite them both round for you in your heart will know what to do next,Your son needs to be with his dad and i can tell from you that your son is the most important thing in your life,but just remember you gave birth to him you have looked out for him and you have helped him with his special needs i think that speaks volumes and no one can take that away from you i know how you feel about your son because i do about my son but your heart will guide you ,i am going through a very bad time at the moment with my son but i am following what my heart tells me because only i know,i wish you all the best and good luck.

Answer 6

As hard as this is for you and your son, it is very important that you and your ex keep in touch about your son, even if is so much as a sniffle. As much as you may not like too, you may have to talk to the tramp as well, express you concerns to her. After all it is YOUR child not hers. Without physical altercation tell her. If you need to write both of them a letter about how you feel and where you stand on everyday issues then do so. Bottom line stay on touch with all 3 as much as possible. Best of luck, sorry to hear of your unfortunate news.

Answer 7

Dont punish your son because of the way you feel. He should be a part of his dads life and the new woman... Unless of course she isnt a positive person for him to be around. In the long run, its the best thing to do for everybody. You'll feel better about it after you see there is nothing to worry about..
You can still hate her though, not saying you shouldnt... :)

Answer 8

My mom moved ny brother sister and I out of state after my dad and her were divorced.My mom doesnt like my stepmom to this day.Us kids kept in contact with our father and after a few years I went out for a visit.After spending time with her I learned my stepmom is a great woman.I love her as much as my own mom.I call her every year on mothers day her birthday and most other holidays.It took my brother and sister longer to come around but now they feel like I do.My mom accepts that we are close to her.My dad and stepmom celebrated 25 years last August.
I guess what I am saying here is let your son make his own decision.If your husband does marry this one your son will miss out on having his father in his life because you dont like his girlfriend.

Answer 9

he left you he'll leave or be left by her soon, that's just how it is and remember it.

I wouldn't if I could help it but if there is a court order then there isn't much that you could do about it other than tell your son the be careful and not to be alone with her since you don't know her.

Also you can talk to her which might be wrose for her than you and that may keep her away from him or afraid to do the wrong thing in speech or any other way.

Answer 10

I would say yes as much as its going to hurt you. As your ex is taking him overnight anyway, your son is bound to meet your ex's girl sooner or later. there is no real way of avoiding it, even if your son has learning difficulties if you ask him if he likes the new girl, you should be able to tell by his response or lack there of if he does.