adoption..please help?

Question

i need advice from someone who has given there baby up for adoption....how do you feel after?

i only ask this becuase my husband treats me like total crap and i cant take care of a baby on my own and im really considering adoption i just dont know how id live with myself......do you ever heal from such a loss

Answer 1

Well I never gave a baby up, but I am adopted. It was hard for me growing up bc it was a closed adoption. I found my parents when I turned 18 and now have a relationship w/ them. I would recomend if you do decide to give the baby up, do an open adoption. I felt unwanted and I never knew anything, what heritage I was ect. Pleasssee dont do a closed one!

Answer 2

Take a deep breath and step back. Right now you are upset and in an emotionally vulnerable state. You need to ask yourself some questions. What were your reasons for getting pregnant? Was it an accident or was it planned? If it was planned, do those reasons still exist without your husband? How did your husband treat you before you got pregnant? Was it bad and you were hoping that a baby would change things? Sweetheart, I would seriously advise you to examine your life before you got pregnant and determine irrespective of the pregancy whether you should be in this relationship. Then, focus on what to do regarding the baby. There are shelters out there that help pregnant women get free if this is an abusive situation. Also, you need to remember that the baby has two parents. Will your husband agree to an adoption? Without his consent, things could be considerably more difficult. That is why I would advise at a minimum talking to an adoption attorney and a pregnancy counselor. You don't have to commit to anything, just find out what your options are from those who really know. Best of luck.

Answer 3

My mother gave my only sibling up for adoption before I was born. She was reunited 38 yrs later just 1 yr before she died. She always said that it was the biggest mistake she every made. She thought about him every day.
First I would say that no matter how hopeless your situation seems right now you should weigh all your options! I don't know where your from but there are sooo many agencies out there to help. Don't think of how shitty your life would be with your husband whether you keep the baby or not...think of how much love you and your baby will share without him! I think it's a no brainer to leave your husband and keep the baby! You're the only one with a choice here. Live with someone who treats you like crap or live with someone that will love you forever. You may have had a hard life growing up. Remember the times that you didn't think it would ever get better but it did? This is one of those times that you need to make a choice for you and it will get better.

Answer 4

You do feel a loss, and it is painful. My daughter will be 18 soon, and I still miss her. I did an open adoption. In that sense you get to choose who will be the parents, you find out their background how they live their life, and in a lot of cases you can still be a part of your child's life. I knew that there was no way that I could of supported a child on my own, and a comforting thought to me over the years is that I gave a daughter to someone who wasn't able to have one of her own. I also gave my child a loving family. Those definitely out way the feeling of loss. God bless you with whichever decision you make, and as a side note dump the loser husband if he treats you like crap just think of how he will treat your child.

Answer 5

I am a mother of 4 boys all were given up for adoption except the last who is with me now. I have to say it was different each time. It all depends on the kind of adoption and what you can handle. One of mine was a closed adoption and I hated it and to this day wish I knew about open adoptions. That son I will never know anything about and wish it could be different. The others were open and it was the most amazing thing ever. I chose the parents and the level of openess. I got to know them and love them and see just how wonderful a life they would give my sons. It helped so much to know what they would be able to give them when I knew I could not.

Feelings wise...It was hard. The hardest thing I have ever ever had to do in my life. I wont set here and lie to you about that. But, it was the most amazing and loving thing I could have ever done for my children. And getting to see how happy my boys were and how happy it made the adoptive parents helped get through some of the tough times. It does get easier as time goes by. And getting to see pictures and updates truly does help.

The other option abortion just was not right for me. Not when I knew how many families wanted children. And for me at that time raising a child was just not something I could do. I couldnt care for myself let along a child. Its tough but its the right choice for so many people. Please if you want to talk feel free to e-mail me and we can talk more.

Answer 6

depends on your definition of heal. I gave up my oldest, he just turned 9. I knew i couldnt give him what he needed. I had to love him more than myself. that hurts. A day doent go by when i dont think of him and the decision i made. The knowledge that he is happy and healthy is a comfort though but the pain is still there. I would suggest if u do to go thru counseling before during and after. I wish u luck and happiness and help in making the best decision for both u and the baby.

Answer 7

I am an adoptive parent. My husband & I have 2 teen bio boys and adopted our daughter from China 2 yrs ago. We love our daughter as if she were born into our family. Adoption is a wonderful journey of family building, and becoming more common than 20-30 years ago. I think of how awful it must've been for the mother to leave her baby at the gate of the orphanage. Just like in the movie, "Meet the Robinsons." There has to be some pain & heartache involved in such a situation. I can't imagine it not being so.

My husband was also adopted, closed adoption, & has still never met his biological family. Saying this, I must tell you that he has expressed to me that he has never felt the need to search them out. His adoption records are sealed. His adoptive parents (he's only child) were so wonderful, though not perfect, that he feels nothing other than that they are his parents. Only his dad is living, barely so as he struggles with a terminal illness, and his mother passed away when he was younger (his adopted parents are much older). He said perhaps when his dad passes he may consider looking for his biological family--though still insists he doesn't feel the need.

I will express to you, not to be cruel honestly, that everyone in our adoption travel group chose China in part because it is the ultimate closed adoption. No one will ever some seeking our daughter to ask for her back, there is no confusing meetings of the birth parent, or intertwined relationships of having 2 mothers, and although there is the post placement reports that go back to the orphanage there are generally no extras photos sent of subsequent years.

However, there are soooo many couple who would love to have a child, and will choose an open adoption. The open adoption can range from something as small as receiving a yearly photo & update, to actual visits with the birth mother. (see link) It depends on the contractual agreement made between birth mother and adoptive parents.

Being raised by a single mother of 4 children, it was not optimal. My mother was strong, worked all the time, did her best to raise us kids, however, I greatly envied those who had a 2 parent family. My bio dad was in the same town but never visited us, or was involved in our lives. I never understood what it was like to be "daddy's little girl," very sad. My eldest teen has several friends with divorced or single parents & they constantly tell him how lucky he is to have both parents still together. They even tell ME how difficult it is for them. This doesn't mean that it's a horrid way to grow up, just that there is a better way.

Lastly, please listen to Mardi Caldwell's radio program (you can listen to archives on the computer if you like as well). She is a big advocate of adoption & more specifically open adoption. She also has a website called Lifetime Adoptions (see link) for those considering adoption in any form.

I hope this helps and the best of wishes on your decision.

Answer 8

Hello,

I believe that you can heal and move on if you really feel, in your heart, that adoption is the best choice for your baby. However, I would strongly recommend that you get some counseling from someone with experience in adoption. When I adopted my son, I went with the birth mom to her counseling session, but I waited in the car. She told me when she came out that the best advice she received was to put the rest of the world on mute, so she can ignore all of their opinions, then decide what is the best option for the baby. If you know that you made the right decision it will be easier to move on.

Open adoption is amazing. I know other families who have chosen this option and are all like one big extended family.

I would be more then willing to talk to you about my adoption, it was done privately with a woman I met on the internet. I can tell you about our feelings, the feelings she spoke of, how I told my son he is adopted, and info on the process.

I wish you nothing but the very, very best for both you and your baby. If you would like to ask me any questions my email address is [e-mail]

Answer 9

I have worked with 100's of birthmothers over the last 20 years who have placed their children for adoption.

I think how they have dealt with it in the long run depends on who they are as a person -- and why they placed, and what the circumstances were, their emotional state and health, the suport they had, etc.

Those who have not done particularly well? Women who had a more difficult time separating their own needs from those of their child. Those who were very young/immature. Those who felt pressured by a boyfriend or parents. And those who were involved in a highly risky life style and then got cleaned up and straightened out and wanted to try and rewind their lives.

Those who did well? Those birthmothers who were more mature (not 16!), or had previous children. Those who were able to keep the child's best interest separate from their own emotional needs. Those who had a pretty strong sense of who they were to begin with, and did not look to a baby for identity. Those who were in a dangerous or risky lifestlye and realized that a child could not have waited for them to get straightened out.

Most birthmothers I know were extremely thankful for adoption, but also saddened by it. I always worried more about those who did not appear to be affected by adoption, did not feel sad. It is healthy and appropriate to feel sad with loss. And while adoption is surely a loss for a birthmother, it can also be a huge source of pride -- knowing that you provided everything you wanted for your child, everything your child needed (two stable parents, love, security, etc.) - through the day to day care of the parents you chose.

It is something you must reach way down deep to know -- my belief is that MOST mothers do know, if they are completely honest with themselves, what is truly best for their child. Then, all they need to do is find the courage to do that -- whether it is parenting or adoption! Good luck to you! If you want to email me privately, you can.

Answer 10

Please weigh all your options before you give up your child. I know in our town they have a workforce training program for displaced homemakers. If you are worried about providing for your child then please see if they have any resources out there for you first. If your husband is a dirty rat now he is going to continue to be with or without the baby. You can start a new life on your own with your baby. It is just really hard and takes a lot of determination but you can do it. Start planning an exit strategy with your baby first by making some phone calls. Do you have any family members who will help you? Please just try to get a game plan going.