parents and adult children?

Question

My mom told me that I was not the kind of child she wanted me to be or to have. I am 36 years old and she suddenly said that to me who's been trying my whole life to please the parents and never blame them for not being the parents that I dreamed of. I am very depressed and shocked by her comments. Heartbroken actually. I always encourage her to live a life she likes and don't worry about us.

What should I do now? never contact her again and let anger eat me forever or what?

Answer 1

Although my mother didn't exactly say that to me, it is scary how similar this is. I am 33 and the youngest of six. I have spent my whole life pleasing my mother because that is what a child supposed to do. They do the job as parent and as children we accept that they make mistakes and are not perfect. I feel like my mother takes for granted that I will always be the obediant child and it is ok for her to consume her life with worrying about the kids that screw up over and over. They are professionals at running to Mom when life is just the slightest bit uncomfortable. When I have problems, they think that I can handle it, I always have. I tried to cut ties with mom but that is not possible. I find myself mad at her and then I feel guiltly for feeling that way. You mom didnt mean her statement in such a way and we as children are defensive because we search for approval all the time. My heart is broken too and at 33 I planned on being the one to make sure that my mother could grow old and enjoy herself because she raised us and it is time to rest. She whould rather live in turmoil over the problems of my siblings and ignore me to the point that I just distance myself because I dont wont to feel hurt. Make sure that you understood the moment and talk to your mom. Anger is the worst emotion to have. I wish mine whoud go away. Your in my thoughts and I hope you can make some sort of peace with your mom. That way you did everything that you needed to do. You dont want to damage the rest of your life with regrets. Not telling her how you feel is not completing the subject. Let her know how you feel. Best wishes to you and may you have brighter days ahead.

Answer 2

First and foremost although she is your mother u can not please her you can only please yourself. YOu also have to forgive her. Most parents don't think their child was the kind they wanted. They want their child to b a doctor the child wants to be a rap star. they want their child to be perfect and the child becomes rebellious. Parents paint an image of their child wishing their child would accomplish more in their lifetimes than their parents did. Which is why some parents go overboard by fulfilling their dreams through their children. Life is not predictable I say you forgive your mother and don't worry about making sure she is happy you should make sure you are happy other wise you will spend so much time trying to please her you will in return be miserable. I wish you the best and remember everyone is entitled to their opinions you can either let them cause you to fail or succeed

Answer 3

You can't please them, so don't.

You do what you do - be a good employee, good parent, good friend, whatever. Do this because it is right to do. You will never please your mother, so don't try. But, she is due respect and honor as a parent.

My wife has that sort of mother. She was told all her life that she would essentially amount to nothing. She was not allowed to excel or accell in anything and the stuff she did well at (school/grades, etc.) was "expected". She plays piano and never went to a recital as a kid. The list can go on, actually.

Now, my wife does not hold any anger toward her mother. She recognizes that her grandparents probably were amiss in their parenting skills. We live 300 miles away from her folks, and that has helped ease any tension or potential tension.

Overall, my wife recognizes that she will likely never please her mother and now she is OK with that. She has approval of many others who love her (me, being number one in her fan club).

Answer 4

Your mother is obviously very unhappy in how her life turned out. It doesn't have anything to do with you. It sounds like she is projecting her frustration on you. Perhaps she had expectations of you being able to live the life she couldn't, and instead you are living your own life.
I know that it must hurt horribly to have your own mother say such things to you.
I am fortunate in that my parents have always supported me in what ever I tried to do, no matter how many times I failed.
You should live your life the way YOU want to and stop trying to please her, since it seems you never will. Be polite to her when you have to see her, and please try not to let what she said get to you. I know easier said then down.
Be who you are, go out and be with your friends. Live your life as best as you can.

Answer 5

I don't know why parents say things like that. I remember my mother telling me that every time I did something wrong I broke one of her heart strings. I was quite young when she told me this. It bothered me for years. What I don't understand is if it bothered me so much why didn't I quit the things that bothered her?

Don't stop contacting her. Maybe you could find the proper moment to talk to her about it.

How is your mother? I know my mother got older her personality changed, and she would say terrible things to her grandchildren. WE finally found she was in the early stages of dementia. I really felt sorry for my sons. They couldn't figure out what was going on with her. She hadn't been like that before.

Answer 6

No ones goes on a college course to become a parent everyone makes mistakes and she made one saying that to you,not nice but dont get eaten away by it let her know how you are feeling maybe in a letter perhaps, just take your time away from her let her think what she has said. keep your chin up

Answer 7

Why did she say that? There must have been some reason.What have you done with your life up til now? If she is just evil, then accept it and just be polite when you have to have dealings with her.Tell her how you feel though about what she said.Also tell her she isnt exactly mother of the year by any means either.

Answer 8

She is sick, sick, sick, how can you be angry at a sick person?

Stop trying to please them, and please yourself, and your family if you are married.

Just go about your business as usual.Of couse it hurts, but do not let it eat you up. She has problems, and most probably never wanted children in the first place. Don't let her problems, become yours.

Keep a civil relationship with her. Respect her where respect is due. But otherwise just let her call the shots, such as getting together etc..

Answer 9

what a cruel thing for a parent to say, my heart goes out to you, i dont think you should put up with any degradation, family or not, this is abuse, you dont deserve it - from anyone. i would voice my opinion & steer clear of her!

Answer 10

i, too, would like to know WHY did she say that?
NOONE is perfect, whether it be parent or child