Why do the majority of the military spouses think they wear their husband's rank?

Question

Throughout my career in the military, I have ran into many spouses who feel this way. I have spouses who tried to give me orders and tell me that they know more about the military than I do, even though I happen to outrank their husbands. I have seen military spouses demand salutes from servicemembers, attempt to give orders to the other spouses and servicemembers. Last I checked, spouses don't warrant a rank or subjected to the UCMJ.

I say the majority because they greatly outnumber the ones that don't.

I am a military officer and also a military spouse. Nothing peeves me more than to have a military wife tell me that he/she knows more about the military than I do, even though he/she has never served. Hearing about the military from your active duty spouse and actually experiencing it for yourself are two different things. Some spouses don't understand that. And yes, I did have a spouse once who demanded that I salute her...I didn't.

Answer 1

That's funny, my sister and I were having this conversation the other day. We decided that these people define themselves by what their husbands do for a living. It's common for military wives because it's so much harder for them to have their own careers. It's kind of sad, and really annoying.

Answer 2

I've seen some military wives behave in that manner. It is unacceptible for any spouse--whatever her husband's rank--to give orders as though she were in command. (Or vice versa if the wife is the servicemember.)
Some people are just plain rude, and would treat others poorly whatever their spouse's position--it is not purely a military thing.
No, we don't wear the uniform, and we're not subject to the UCMJ, but military spouses are an integral part of the military support structure and are subjected to a great deal of stress and frustration--particularly during deployments and frequent PCSs.
So yes, there are some bad apples out there... There ALWAYS are bad apples, no matter where you go. But I find it hard to believe the majority of military wives you've met have treated you so poorly.

Answer 3

Actually, being a MA, I have run into this also. Yes it's usually officer wives that do this. The thing about the cars, because of D.O.D. decals the guard is supposed to salut the approaching car if an officer decal is noticed. This is a courtesy, With the DOD decal system, the base locator sticker is Red for enlisted, Blue for officer, Green for civilian employee, white for contractor. So the salute rendered to the car showing respect for the possibility that an officer not in uniform might be in the car. But yes, I have worked in the pass and decal office, and there are wives that think because their husband is an officer they are afforded the same courtesies as officers. I had an officer call me and attempt to chew me out over the phone because I wouldn't give base decals to his wife. I merely let him talk to my superior, when the my superior got off the phone, I told him the facts of the matter, and he just said, too tough.

Answer 4

A lot of military spouses don't wear the (military members)spouses rank. It is usually those spouses whose military member has gained status as a commander or senior enlisted member. Those spouses believe that now they have the right/duty/position to demand what is due them. The military members have forgotten that they are responsible for the family. If the military wanted you to have a husband/wife, they would have issued you one used to be an old saying.

I agree with the poster, some spouses have demanded salutes, but to that I say, when you go through the school, get the training, do some field work and gain MY respect...then MAYBE...MAYBE you might be worthy of a salute.

Answer 5

As a military brat growing up, I used to see the "Well gosh, I think I'll put my husband's rank on MY shoulders today!" all the time. Officer wives always tried to boss my mother around because my dad was a lower rank than their husband. Heck-as a military spouse now-I see it more than ever.

My experience as well as my mother's, has always, ALWAYS happened with the wives of officers. The spouces who demand salutes from service memebers...have gone too far. I think those who do this believe that since their husband or wife is higher ranking compared to the others surrounding them at times, they deserve the same respect as he/she does. With them it's pretty much: "You do this or I can and will report you!".

I'm sorry - but spouses are all the same. With gender and racial differences aside, the only rank we hold is either Mr. or Mrs.

We have no entitlement to our sponsor's military rank.

Answer 6

This is a holdover from the old days when the US Army was a small organization.
This tends to happen among officers wives because they seem to think it is important.
If you were to go to a function that the officers wives had they would be seated by the order of their husbands rank.
I don't know that this still serves any purpose but they used to take care of each other ant the wives of the enlisted men when the troops were deployed.
The only source I have for this information was an aunt that dealt with this back in the 1950's.

Answer 7

Wow that sounds so stupid.Really what are they thinking.Dam Im going to have to look for to this.Thats sucks.Im probably going to be looked down on because my husband just joined so he is a pretty low rank.Well I promise to all the military and spouses out there that I will never do that when and if my husband makes it to a very high rank.I think its stupid.Those ignorant women have not been in your shoes.If they have they probably would'nt be acting like that.I being a new Army wife expect Respect from everyone I meet but not salutes or anything like that just courtesy.

Answer 8

You should have rendered the appropriate greeting...a one finger salute. I could only imagine how she ran back to her husband to complain, and to see the look of embarrasmaent on his face. Dependents do not rate a salute because of their husband's military status...however...the strange thing is that technically, when they drive through post, the little blue sticker does rate a salute from enlisted military members, and I want to emphasize the "blue sticker" not the dependent. Then again unless they are entering the gate, that's the only time they may expect see a salute from the enlisted gate guard. Nobody else walks around paying attention to people's stickers. It sounds to me that you would be doing her a service by educating her of what her place is, and what the salute represents, and how it is "earned" not given.

Answer 9

I completely agree with you. Cant say it is a majority, but the one that do this make enough of a bad name to give all a bad name.
Seen many egregious examples in my career. Such as the commander wife that insisted that a female captain in the squadron do more to support the "Officers Wives Club".
Her response was point blank, "I'm not an Officers wife, I'm an Officer".
Best example was a SNCOs wife that tried to tell a SSgts wife that she should associate with the other wives, not the SNCOs wives. Not realizing that she was a GS-13 Civil Servant and outranked everyone in the squadron including the commander.

Answer 10

Spouses are expected to "conform" to the rank of the husband,That means they have to act the part , take the lead if need be. There is also the unwritten rule that they deserve the respect of the officer, not the rank. Most line officers wives,housewives, act and treat others with tact and consideration. There are always some with noses in the air or who think their poop don't smell.

Answer 11

I agree with you except for one thing. I wouldn't say the majority. I would say some.


***EDIT: Thelightedtorch, you may find this interesting. Up until around 1980, ALL military wives were saluted at Camp Lejeune's gates. It didn't matter whether the sticker was red or blue. I don't know why it got started or if they did it anywhere other than Lejeune. The practice stopped because they were also saluting enlisted WM's not in uniform thinking they were wives.