Am I doing the right thing? what do you all think? any words of comfort? :(?

Question

okay first off I dont want to sound like i am whining, but right now my life is crazy. i am indian and my parents are strict and im 19, well..i have a bf who i love with all my heart, but he lives in england and im secretly (my fam doesnt know) engaged to him. :) Well..we are in america and we have so many problems in the family...marital probs..we fight every single day about money...i have an elder brother who failed his classes in college, he just doesnt care..my mom depressed..my lil brother is only 7.and my dad is an workaholic..and I could easily runaway frm all this and be with my fiance in england..but no matter how much i want to leave, i want to stay and support my fam and not put them to shame..but i just want to be happy and be with my fiance in england *sigh*.but i decided i am going to college here and after college marry my fiance and then be happy. i just feel like i should sacrifice my happiness now for the sake of fam and wait..what should i do? i want to be happy :(

you guys are all so great :) yes..my fiance is willing to wait however long it take for me to finish my education and i dont have a doubt about him...he IS the one :) but yea..if I wait and do my education..i really wount be happy..i will have to live with my dysfunctional family and all that mess. I love my lil bro and mom soo much to leave this family. i just feel like i have a responsibilty and be a role model for my lil brother..he sees such a crazy family everyday :/

the other thing that makes this crazy is my fiance is english...and my dad is really old fashioned and wants me to get an arranged marriage...

Answer 1

It sounds to me like you were brainwashed into putting your family before your own life. . . and to be honest, that's typical of the Indian-American families I have met. :-(

I think, since you are capable of leaving, you should. There's no reason why you can't support them emotionally from afar, and send money eventually if you end up with more than they have. Follow your dreams!!

Answer 2

I am Indian also and I also know the things that come with being an Indian-American. I read some of the responses and they make some valid points but many do not take into account your cultural background. The best thing that you can do for yourself and your family is to finish your education. I mean you do you have a career that you want to follow?

Your older brother's problems are his own doing and there is nothing you can do about it except encourage him to strive for better. With your parents marriage, the financial strain has increased the problems more than anything else. Again you are limited as to what you can do to solve this for them. Your little brother needs an adult like person that he can turn to and between your mom and dad it doesn't seem like that's going to happen.

With the English BF the best thing to do is to wait until you have finished your education and have had a change to meet him face to face. At nineteen its easy to think you've found the man that you'll spend the rest of your life with, but most of the time that isn't the case (at this age I mean). You say that your dad is old fashioned but he doesn't even know that you are secretly engaged with an English lad. Even the most old fashioned people change their views when given the proper prodding. Bring the BF in to the pic after you've completed your education.

I suggest that you put your mind into accomplishing your educational goal so that it can support you not only financially but give you more time to evaluate what you want to do. Its easy to want to run away from it all but the problems don't disappear. Until you deal with problems, they will pop up everywhere you go. There is no one simple answer that anyone can give to solve your problems. You have to step back and look at the situations individually instead of as a whole.

I hope that things work out well for you!!!

Answer 3

Its to bad you have to do this alone. My parents are were very strict too! But theres one thing you said that made it easy for you. No matter what! Get that education. Then you can go away were and marry and still help the family, no matter were you go. I don't care how much the family needs you. You are not responsible in taking care of them, just do the things they want you to do. One is education, with no education, you can't even take care of yourself. And anyway your the child not the provider! If your parents were helpless or sick, ok. Everyone in the family has to help out. Please don't feel its your responsilbiliy to take care of your parents. Let them be the parents ok. As far as your fiance, tell him you have to get youreself together first, he will wait and respect your wishes if he loves you enough. Don't go anywere without a good education, and if things go wrong for you, you can buy a ticket back home (smile). You will never know, until your living or with someone. Long distance love is exciting, but face to face is entirely different. Your young and love hormones are hungrey, but things are great for one who waits. Be cool, keep in contact with your man, Plan wisely it can work, but use your head right now, not your heart. No matter what it falls on you to make the right move.....
You can't change your parents now, there set in there own ways, they want the best for you, in only what they know from there up bringing, so study them and plan well

Good Luck, Your going to be just fine, I am proud of you to respect your parents. There the only ones you got!

From: You will just fine! keep planning,its the only way!

Answer 4

Your family, ultimately, wants you to be happy, so there's no honor or dignity in needless suffering and misery. There's no shame in wanting to be happy and lead a fulfilling life.

At some point you'll need to be honest with your family. Tell them how deeply grateful you are for everything they have done for you, and how important they are to you (people repond better if you start out with a positive). Tell them you know everyone is going through a rough time right now, and you want to help them in any way you can. Then offer your good news - you've met someone you care for deeply and think would be a good suitor for you. Assure them that you want their blessing and approval before you make any permanent decision on the relationship (they don't have to know about the secret engagement, but you should mention that the offer has been made). Tell them you're happy to accept their advice, to wait a long time before marriage so you can finish your education, assist the family, etc, and give them a while to adjust to the idea.

Remember, ultimately, you can't save anyone but yourself - if your family is determined to be unhappy, all your efforts would be in vain and you'd only make yourself miserable too. So there's no point sacrificing yourself, if you can offer a positive solution.

Answer 5

I think you are doing the right thing. Sounds as though there are a lot of problems in your family, but the best thing to do is go to college and then marry your fiance. You are 19 and you don't want to worry about getting married right now. This way you will have something to help you. It would seem that if anyone in your family can straighten things out, it will be you. Good luck to you.

Answer 6

you are doing the right thing. I want you to be happy with your fiance. You deserve to be happy. Finishing your education here first is most important. I know you can't shame your family, it is your culture. You are not sacrificing your happiness, you can still be happy, you can still communicate with your fiance. Just become a little wiser and older and educate yourself before you move off to England to marry a man that you probably don't know as well as you think you do. 19 is still young. If he is willing to wait to honor your comittment to your family and education than he is the right one and will be there at the end of the line. I will keep you in my prayers and wish you luck.

Answer 7

I think the plan to go to college and think about marriage later is a good plan.

It's okay to want to be happy, and it's even okay to have the dream that you'd be happy if you ran away to England, but don't believe it too much. If that's real, it will wait till you have an education, if it isn't, it'll never survive the lifestyle you'll have to live without one.

Your culture honors education. Honor your culture by getting one. In the long run, you will be far happier that way, no matter what else happens.

Answer 8

Most Americans would think of themselves first and take off to find love. Congradulations for thinking of your family, and especially about not wanting to leave your little brother alone in your crazy household. I would recommend trying to reason with your father, but he's probably too old fashioned to listen to any thoughts besides what he thinks is right and best for the family honor.
If there was only some way to anounce your engagement in a way to mollify your father's sense of honor! I also wonder if your BF will wait for you to finish college. And if you do finish college, your dad will surely act as if you owe him, and your family to become financially successful and carry the economic burden for family and little bro's college education! Perhaps the best thing is to marry the BF and move him to America! Best of luck to you!

Answer 9

I'm Chinese-American myself, so I can sympathize with you on the family vs. self conflict. I don't want to tell you what to do--you should figure that out for yourself--but I'm suggesting a list of questions you could ask yourself. By the way, my little brother's 7 too. My dad's also a workaholic.

-What will happen to your family without you?
-What will happen to yourself if you stay?
-Will you be happy if you run away, or will these problems catch up to you?
-Will you go to college in England? If not, how will you support yourself?
-How much are the problems in your life affecting your health, and how much will they improve by going to England?
-Do you think you are mature enough to handle being without your family?

Remember not to forget yourself or your family when you're deciding. Good luck!

Answer 10

Well u r in a very stickie situation 1) U want to leave w/the man u love 2) u don't want to abandon ur family so u are in the middle I know its hard but here's the thing think about this: "Guys come and go but ur family will be w/u no matter what? You have to think about the consequences of each action, ie What would happen if I leave w/this man? Is he worth leaving my family? WHat would happen if I stick by my family? Will I find another guy? Good luck:)

Answer 11

Go to college. At college, go to the counseling department and find someone to talk to about all this. It's confidential and free at most colleges and your parents won't know. You're carrying a lot of burdens and responsibilities that you may really not have any control over.... and having a professional counselor available to you to discuss all these huge life issues with may be very helpful to you. It certainly can't hurt. Good luck!